Sex education has been an issue for me recently and it bears directly on the issue of the right wing’s war against women. I’d like to ask the opinion of the smart women and men here.
There’s an excellent diary by nyceve at the top of the rec list at the orange place right now, about the must-read lead article in the New York Times Magazine by Russell Shorto this morning. It took my breath away to read about the expanding, and increasingly successful focus of the anti-woman lobby from anti-abortion to anti-contraceptives. Well we knew it was coming and I confess I should have realized before now that they have made so much headway. It’s pretty damn depressing.
And parenthetically I find it amusing, in a sad way, that the diary’s hundreds of comments appear to be exclusively from pro-choice women. The voices of the (mostly) men who think women’s control over their own bodies should be somehow curtailed, are strangely silent, at least at this writing.
I am an abortion absolutist. I think any restriction on safe and legal abortion (or, of course, on access to birth control) is an assault on fundamental civil rights of approximately half the population.
But I want to bring up a piece of the argument that’s more problematic, from my point of view.
Shorto writes:
All parents struggle with how to shield their children from the excesses of popular culture, and not surprisingly, surveys show that most want teenagers to delay first intercourse. But by wide margins they also say kids should be taught about contraceptives. A poll released in 2004 by National Public Radio, the Kaiser Family Foundation and Harvard’s Kennedy School of Government found, for example, that 95 percent of parents think that schools should encourage teenagers to wait until they are older to have sex, and also that 94 percent think that kids should learn about birth control in school.
I am solidly in the camp of all these parents. And that has been troubling me these days. I have a problem with the way school kids are taught about birth control and disease prevention but not about the possibility of resisting pressure to have sex if they don’t want to have sex. Oh my god, am I channeling Nancy Reagan?
My daughter attends a very progressive, community-oriented K-8 school that teaches sex ed every year beginning in the very young grades. At this point the eighth graders are very well informed about anatomy, biology, STDs and birth control. But in their zeal to treat boys and girls equally, or in spite of it, the teachers haven’t talked to the class about the ways sexism plays out in gender relations with kids this age. The teachers reason that the kids have gotten the anti-sexism message and the rest is gravy. They’re blind to the pressures the girls are already feeling from their classmates and of course from the dominant culture to engage in sex acts in order to fit in and be cool. As my daughter put it to me, they’ve all learned to put a condom on a banana with their eyes closed but they haven’t learned how to recognize and deal with the pressure of having sex before they’re ready. They don’t have a clue about love and lust and dealing with urges and how to feel good about saying yes and how to be heard to say no. How to recognize and respect what they want for themselves. And that’s what I wish they would talk about more, before these kids go off to high school. (Yes I’ve raised this with the teachers, who agreed with me somewhat but I doubt they’ll go back to their “sex ed” unit when they have so much else to squeeze in during the race to the end of the school year.)
I’m having a hard time expressing what I think about this as usual. I hope I’m not coming off as an anti-sex prude. I’ve talked with my daughter about all this, and try to keep talking although she sure doesn’t want to listen at this point in her independent life. I’m pretty sure that she will have sex in high school — and that she will not tell me about it — and that’s OK with me. I just don’t want it to be because she thinks she has to. Like all parents I don’t want to see her hurt! I learned the hard way that confusing sex with love can turn out to be harmful on many levels. Is this something kids have to learn entirely on their own? Shouldn’t sex education for teens deal with emotional and gender issues, not just fucking, pregnancy prevention, and disease? I think we should somehow do more to emphasize both, in the schools and in the public discourse. It could help combat the anti-woman agenda.
The black-and-white approach to sex education feeds into the abstinence-only crowd’s propaganda. Their “intellectual force” says in the NYTimes article:
abstinence programs can’t properly be combined with other elements in a comprehensive sex education program because the message is lost when a teacher says: “One option you might want to consider is abstaining. Now let’s talk about diaphragms.”
Surely this isn’t true?
I’m the mother of four, ages 16 to 24, so I’ve been right in the middle of this for the past 14 years or so.
I equate it with driver’s ed, where they teach kids how to drive safely to avoid an accident, but also to wear seat belts, don’t drink and drive, etc. By telling them to wear seat belts you’re not giving them permission to drive dangerously – you’re saying that if they should get into a wreck they’ll be a little safer for having worn protection.
I tend to think that if kids get the mechanics correctly from school that’s certainly a good start, but that hopefully the talks about pressure, respect, responsibility, etc., are part of ungoing communication with parents.
I’m also pretty certain that if kids are taught to resist pressure in everyday things like needing to dress in designer clothes, or have expensive things just because everyone else seems to have them, those are the same kind of kids that are more likely to resist peer pressure to engage in early sex. Everybody is NOT doing it, and you don’t have to do it. And furthermore, if everyone IS doing it, wouldn’t you like to buck the trend and think for yourself?
My kids are not followers – they have their own unique sense of style and it seldom fits in with what’s popular. I love that about them and somehow it makes me feel more comfortable about them resisting the pressures of sexual activity before they’re ready.
Thanks, SN. You make a good point and my daughter has been raised the same way. What about the kids who don’t get that ongoing conversation at home — isn’t that why they teach sex education in schools? Resisting peer pressure ties in with media literacy too. In my view that’s the kind of thing that ideally would be talked about in school also.
Very interesting diary.
I was raised in an environment where even passionate kissing was considered a mortal sin. Yes, if that kiss was too long or too lusty, I was told I would face the hell fires of damnation for all eternity.
I was never taught about emotional readiness or contraception. Despite all the fear mongering and the adamancy that one must remain celibate until married, many kids still had sex. (Hard to believe, I know.)
Our society is at odds with biology on this one. When life expectancy was 35 years, having sex and babies at a young age was absolutely necessary. Our hormones begin raging at adolescence and have not adapted to the fact that teens are now expected to put off marriage and child bearing for years and years.
Kids need to know about all the issues you raise – maturity, responsibility, commitment. They also need to know about contraception. We can preach abstinence forever, but some kids are going to be sexually active at an early age and are going to have to deal with a range of consequences. But to deny them contraception (or vaccines for HPV) on the grounds that abstinence is better, would be cruel and pointless.
Sex ed has to focus on self-esteem and empowerment, respect and responsibility — and contraception.
Cruel and pointless, you said it, Kahli.
I never had any meaningful instruction about these issues either, only filmstrips on menstruation. The message was that good girls didn’t even think about sex. ha!
Kahli, you said it better than I could have in my way too many words way:
A large part of this responsibility belongs to the parents, IMO. Start early and often. Not that I disagree at all it MUST be taught in shcools as well, but parents need to start on this long before it gets to the classes any schools may be offering.
Great topic Lil!
Hugs
Shirl
If this is a subject of ongoing interest, over at Talk to Action, Moiv, who works for an abortion provider in Texas, is featured on the front page. Every week she writes about the many interrelated aspects of these issues. Here is a link to her latest.
Yes there are so many aspects to this. Thank you for pointing me to Moiv.
I didn’t know where Moiv had gone. She is amazing.
I have a problem with the way school kids are taught about birth control and disease prevention but not about the possibility of resisting pressure to have sex if they don’t want to have sex.
Good topic for a diary and I wish you luck in coaxing people into discussing this issue. I’ve seen other people try but by the time every commenter gets through affirming their belief that sex education MUST include teaching the use of contraceptives, the rest of the discussion is lost. I take that point as a given so I’ll skip it.
IMO there is nothing contradictory in teaching the use of contraception and teaching girls how to deal with the social pressures to have sex. The key part of your statement isn’t, as some people would have it, resisting the pressure to have sex even though you want to have sex. It’s not teaching young girls that there is something wrong with sex. I think most of us would agree with that.
The issue is how to teach girls how to resist the pressure to have sex if they don’t want to have sex. And really, that’s just a subset of teaching girls (and boys) how to resist the pressure of doing ANYTHING they don’t want to do. While at the same time being open to life’s experiences.
Maybe this topic doesn’t belong in the sex ed class but in some other class? I don’t have kids in school so I don’t know where else they’d put it. But it seems like a larger issue than just “abstinence”. In fact it really doesn’t have anything to do with abstinence. It’s about teaching every girl that her body and her mind is HERS. She may choose to share her body or her thoughts with someone else but she shouldn’t be forced or manipulated into doing it. That doesn’t just apply to sex, but to all of life. Choosing what to wear in the morning. Choosing what type of classes to take. Choosing whether, and where, to go to college. Choosing a job. Choosing your friends. Choosing your lovers. It’s true across the board.
Good luck. I hope people with daughters DO engage in this discussion.
Thanks, maryb. I agree it isn’t really about abstinence. In fact I was trying to make the point that focussing on contraception only, plays into the hands of the abstinence-only crowd but I think I buried it too far down in my little story. I knew people here would have comments that help to focus my thoughts!
I did see you make that point.
But I always prefer playing offense to playing defense. Maybe it is true that by focusing only on contraception we are playing into the hands of the abstinence only crowd. And I guess we could have that discussion. But IMO we are then (yet again) allowing the conservative right to set the tone for the discussion. We are responding to them instead of defining where we stand.
I prefer to think about the underlying issue and see where I, as a liberal and a woman, come down on the issue. I believe that we need to educate women on the use of contraception and make it easily available. I also think that as a society we should create educated, caring, empowered women who will make choices in their lives that are good for both themselves, their families and society as a whole.
I think the first goal has been partially achieved, but the progress is in danger. I think we have yet to achieve the second and we need to focus on it.
I think we agree. I see what you mean about defining the issue. My premise is that sex education belongs in school as well as at home. It is absolutely crucial for young people to learn about contraception and prevention of STDs. Also critical for girls and boys, and badly neglected, is teaching them to think for themselves, to resist peer pressure, to decipher media messages, to recognize bullying and sexism and to learn to stand up for ones own beliefs. When we focus only on the first set of goals and not the second, and fail to connect these interrelated aspects of life as sexual beings, we are not only failing our children. We are facilitating a simplistic worldview that falsely pits feminists against people who want to “protect” kids.
yes, I agree with everything you just said.
So how do we get liberal women, when talking among themselves only, to talk about the non-contraception portion of this issue so that we can come up with ideas for teaching them to think for themselves, to resist peer pressure, to decipher media messages, to recognize bullying and sexism and to learn to stand up for ones own beliefs.
I admit that I’m at a disadvantage in the conversation because I don’t have kids. But I think it’s one of the most important topics we could focus on.
You may feel at a disadvantage but your voice here has helped me already. And now you’ve asked the question that underlies the reason I wrote this diary: our discourse about well-rounded, feminist, humanist education is incomplete.
What a pleasure to follow this thread !
“I hope I’m not coming off as an anti-sex prude.”
I have encountered this SO often that I’m hesitant to discuss the issue anymore.
Men on the right say that women are to blame for evil sex because we are weak vessels and vile temptresses; we should be controlled. They base their view of us on the Bible and various partriachal traditions that assume women are property.
Men on the left say women would be as enthusiastic about anonymous, casual sex as men are if we weren’t neurotic and hung up; we should put out and move on. They base their view of us on pornography and various patriarchal traditions that assume women are disposable.
Both are the imposition of male sexuality onto women.
Both are forms of controlling women’s sexuality by defining it.
Women should be confined so that men can dole out our bodies as they see fit, or women should be universally available to all men.
That battle, as framed, is not about women’s freedom and autonomy, but about who should manage us as a comodity, and how.
Those of us who respect sexuality for it’s deep profundity and life altering affects are not prudes or sluts. For us, sex is neither a filthy sin nor a meaningless game. Sexual mutuality is the deepest expression of imtimacy, trust and pleasure. It is a sacred link from the past to the future, and embraces the lifeforce everywhere. Sexual coersion is fear, pain and humiliation that wounds souls and destroys lives. If we teach our children anything, it must be that the only reason to make love is because we passionately want to, that a “willing” partner is not enough, and that only mutual desire is real sexuality. Anything less is a counterfeit and a cheat.
You’ve gotten some great comments in this diary. But nobody seems to have any specific ideas for how this can be taught in schools.
Second Nature said:
Kamakhya said:
and
Shirlstars said:
I agree with ALL of these statements. In a perfect world a child would have open communication with parents who were well adjusted enough to teach them these necessary things.
But I found these comments interesting in the sense that it’s the mirror image, in a way, of how conservatives feel about the teaching of the mechanics of sex in sex-ed – that it really should be taught at home by parents. Unlike conservatives, however, I believe that none of these commenters would object to these topics being broached in school too (I’m sure they’ll tell me if they disagree). But I think it’s an interesting parallel.
My memories of it are kind of fuzzy, but I think the sex ed classes we had up here in Canada in the early/mid-90s covered this pretty well. The emphasis seemed to be on waiting if you weren’t ready, and being safe if you were.
that girls should wait to have sex till they’re older, sooner or later they’re going to have to think about contraception — even if they wait till they’re married, there might be reasons why they want to hold off on having kids. Most gynecologists would rather have their patients come in with at least a general knowledge of the methods involved, because then it makes their jobs a little easier.
We had sex education back in the day (mid to late 1970s), but there was one girl who swore that if you wore your bra when having sex, you couldn’t get pregnant…after she dropped out, her nickname was “Mommy”.
Of course, right now the emphasis is on contraception information for girls…what are the (mostly male) moralists going to do when the male birth control pill hits the market?
A birth control pill for men may become a commercial reality within the next few years.
And now, experts that the [treatment] will not only be effective but reversible.
Researchers from UCLA and the University of Sydney analyzed sperm data from male hormonal birth control studies conducted over the last two decades.
They found that most men’s sperm counts returned to normal within about 5 months of stopping treatment.
They’ll probably skip taking it, claim they were seduced, and blame the “slut” if she gets pregnant.
their women can do what my mom did when I had to take pills — hide them in their mashed potatoes… 🙂
Right on Library Lil for bringing up the big questions for those of us with kids today. Abstinence only education has been a failure. The unwanted pregnancy rates are increasing among the poor (though decreasing among the rich) and kids are lying about being chaste (big surprise).
I was merely 15 when I lost my virginity. I actually set about losing it with someone I would never see again. I didn’t want the pain of giving myself to my first love and then breaking up. I thought I was being very logical about it. It was a pretty dismal way to get into loving.
I was given info about birth control and in fact my father bought me my pills and mailed them to me while I was in high school (boarding). As a result I have only had one pregnancy which resulted in my beautiful daughter.
But, and this is a big but, I always wished someone would have talked to me about the emotional side of having sex. What it meant to sleep with someone and how it would effect me as an emotional human. If someone would have talked to me earlier, while I probably wouldn’t have waited for Mr. Right, I might not have submitted to Mr. Wrong just to get rid of the stigma of virginity, and instead went for Mr. OK. :>)
I’m not sure the schools can do this. I think it is more of a parent issue. It is way hard for parents to acknowledge that their baby is close to or already involved in sexual activity. But it is inevitable. A parent who has a decent honest relationship with their kid(s), can help with guidance and enlightenment. A school teacher may or may not be able to fill the roll of confident. They have a very different authority role.
I’ve always told my daughter that if she cannot talk to me, that she can talk to X, Y, and Z and that they would respect her privacy and not tell me what was said; X, Y, and Z being family friends. Because of my permissive upbringing and my own issues, I’ve always made it clear to her that she can tell me anything, and I do my best to accept her feelings and treat them with respect.
The other day, my daughter confided in me that she thought she might be bi. I let her know that such feelings are natural and ok. What followed was a lovely discussion about feelings and urges and desires. In the end, I let her know that no matter where she finds her needs to be, that I would always support her and be there to listen to her. I’m not sure I want a school to address this issue in these repressive Christian times. If my daughter is gay or bi, I don’t want her being told it is wrong, not that any school in our area would say such, but many outside of the Bay Area would.
The role I see for schools is to lay out the basic reproductive and STD issues and teach kids how to avoid pregnancy and STDs. The emotional growth needs to come from the community and the loved ones. We will not be able to reach them all, but I make it a point to tell my daughter’s friends that if they need some advice, they can come to me, without fear of reprisals.
Hugs to you and your daughter. She is a lovely young woman and I think you are doing just fine!
Thanks for your thoughts Kama. I have to work today but will think more about this tonight. Hugs back at ya.
Kids NEED to hear about the emotional side of having relatinships and sex. Not a preachy way — this abstinence only crap doesn’t actually ADDRESS the REAL ISSUE — how to handle the pressure from peers to do what “everyone is doing” and how to treat each other with respect.
I remember reading the comments from some of the guys in the rape and sexual abuse discussions here — the tremendous pressure on teen-aged boys to “score” — and I know girls are under pressures too, to prove themselves desirable and cool by having a boyfriend, by dressing like the cool girls, by being popular.
Kids don’t know how to deal with those pressures. And no one is teaching them — so too many of them learn the hard way. They really need BOTH kinds of instructions — the hard biological facts about sex and contraception, AND they need to hear about the emotional power of sex and romantic relationships (it really doesn’t matter what gender the two teens are — many of the feelings and confusions are the same in any case). They need to talk about what it means to respect themselves and each other, and what they really WANT out of a relationship, and how peer pressure affects their actions in that regard.
Kids KNOW they have questions and insecurities, they know they’re often just ‘going along’ to be accepted and part of the group, but they don’t know how to deal with those conflicts–and it’s so much easier to let themselves be swept up and go along. They may or may not have anyone they can talk to about them other than their peers, who are usually as ill-informed as they are. Tell a kid to abstain from sex and give them only the hokey reasons offered in too many abstinance-only classes, they figure you’re an idiot and ignore you. Tell them the truth about the biology and explain how sex can make a difficult emotional relationship even MORE difficult… they very well might stop to think about it with regards to their own situation, and take that seriously.
But we (here in MD) had a hell of a time even getting a sex-ed class that told kids that homosexuality was normal and natural for certain people… I have no idea what the cirriculum will become now.