SATIRE
There have been a lot of diaries here in which Kossacks have written aggrieved personal testimonials of the horrible ways in which the possibility of gay marriage has seriously threatened their loving, spiritual relationship with their god-fearing heterosexual spouses.
That’s fine for all the people that are already married and have entered into that long-lasting, unbreakable eternal agreement to only engage in vaginal intercourse in missionary position with no frills, extras, bells and whistles.
That’s just fine for all of these blessed couples campaigning to save the morality of our country. But what about a guy like me who hasn’t yet found a woman who will transfer ownership of her uterus to me through a divine everlasting covenant?
Nobody’s talking about how gay marriage is ruining MY life. And it’s about time I spoke up for people like me.
You see, back in the good old days, it was good enough for a man to do what men do. Go to work during the day. Run the BBQ. Drink beer. Watch football on Sundays. And Saturdays for college. And Friday for High school. And Mondays for Monday Night Football. Sometimes they put college games on Thursday too. Spank the kids with moral authority if they got out of line. Be a strong father. Go out and play poker with the guys, all of whom shared the same values, the same lifestyle, and the same skin color.
And it was good enough for women to do what women were supposed to do. Make sure dinner was ready for the man of the house when he got home. Take care of the kids, cooking, cleaning, groceries, laundry, and anything else that men shouldn’t be bothered with. And make sure to spread her legs–but only in missionary position, of course, as often as the man desired, and perhaps even more often with the advent of Viagra, Cialis, Levitra, and any other similar drug they love to tell us during football games to make sure we ask our doctors about.
And life was good. But then THEY came along. THE QUEERS. And they’ve ruined things for those of us who want to be god-fearing uterus proprietors.
Yeah, them. They invade our daily lives. You can’t help but see them on TV. You read stereotypes on them in the media. They all look fit. Well-groomed. Just plain happy, in every sense of the word.
You see them going shopping. Caring about style. Interior decorating, god forbid. Friendly. Passionate. Emotional. Romantic, horror of horrors.
It’s not just that gays want to kidnap our children and raise them to be godless disease-ridden sodomites, though that’s bad enough. THE WORSE PROBLEM IS WHAT THEY’VE DONE TO OUR UTER–I MEAN, WOMEN.
And I’m not talking about lesbianism. That’s meant only for late night on HBO. No, what I mean is that they’ve let our women believe something they have no business believing. Because of those flaming homos, we men are now in an unfortunate position. Our potential future subservient uterus shelters now have the gall–the pique–nay, dare I say, the presumption–to expect that we men have the capability, much less the desire, to pander to their weak, feminine expectations.
Time was, it was good enough to just take a pair of nail clippers and scrape the grime from underneath our fingernails. We never really cared about our toes too much, though. If they stunk, we’d wash ’em. But THE GAYS have changed all that. Now we have to watch Ben Affleck–oh yeah, they call him Metrosexual, whatever in the name of the lord that means, because you either like football or you don’t–to get his nailed manicured like a girl. I mean, hell–you’d never let your daughter wear as much makeup as you see Ben Affleck wear, would you? But no, that’s not good enough any more. Now the evil liberal media is forcing us to tell us we should be paying more attention to personal hygiene. And pansy European companies are even trying to convince us to shave our privates. What’s next, I ask you?
And that’s not all. Let’s take this “queer eye for the straight guy” nonsense. A plain old couch and a TV isn’t good enough any more for these queers. No. They have to send a bunch of handsome, well-dressed fags to completely redo the house and turn it into some sort of queer-happy alien landing pad. And then, they go through the guy’s closet. Apparently, jeans and a t-shirt aren’t good enough for these queers. They have to turn men into their gay definition of good-looking.
And you know what? Women lap it right up. The gay agenda has convinced our women that the type of men they really want is the type of man the gays say they should want. That should scare you, because it scares me. It tells me that the gay agenda and its allies in the media are perfectly capable of over-riding a woman’s natural inclination to have her uterus owned by regular old Joe-six-pack, and turning her into some sort of animal that will only accept some sort of man-gay hybrid–Bush should outlaw those next–under the influence of those Eurotrashy dead queers (the only good queer is a dead queer, mind you) like Versace. And you wanna know what’s worse? All these “men’s magazines” like GQ? They all follow suit. Talking about the latest imports. They’re trying to turn us all into queers.
And, of course, the last thing I’ll say about this is that they tell us we’re supposed to be “emotionally in touch” with women. That we’re supposed to try to “understand” them. Since when? The bible says explicitly that women are subservient. THE LORD SAID THAT IT’S THEIR JOB TO UNDERSTAND US!!! But no, not ever since the god-hating queers showed up on the scene. They’ll tell us that we need to understand them. Have you ever seen a more disgusting perversion of the moral order?
So the basic upshot is this: It’s not just that gays will wreck our already existing marriages. It’s worse: nobody will get married at all because of these queers, and it has nothing to do with the sanctity of marriage. It has entirely to do with the fact that women won’t want to marry a real man any more. They’ll all want to marry queers because the queers have convinced women that that’s the type of “man” they should be interested in.
And that’s what’ll ruin marriage in this country. So I’ll tell you what Bush needs to do. We need to get the FMA constitutional amendment passed so people stop thinking that being queer is acceptable.
But that’s not all. We need to force legislative action that makes any mention of queers illegal. No queers on TV (and that includes you, Ben Affleck–and probably your “business partner” Matt Damon). No shows or books about queers. Because we need women to stop idolizing and lionizing them so they can get out of their delusional fantasies and re-start doing what God intended for them and their uteruses. Or uteri. Or whatever.
