In yet another example of the world going to hell in a hand basket, noted black holologist and childrens book author Stpehen Hawking said Tuesday that it is imperative for the human race to begin colonizing the Moon and Mars within the next 100 years, since he believes the earth is imminently threatened with extinction from either (or both) a man made or natural disaster of cataclysmic magnitude.
In an apparent seizure of donkeytalesque schizophrenia, Hawking made these startling comments at a news conference intended to publicize his new book “Understanding the Universe for Children”.
Hawking, wheel chair bound because of ALS, gathered a group of tykes closely around him and then promptly proceeded to scare holy shit out of them with some of the direst predictions ever made this side of the mildly left political blogosphere regarding the fate of our doomed planet.
“I am issuing a challenge to all three year olds,” Hawking said. “As your teenage siblings will tell you without you even asking, your parents have completely f*cked everything up….Legos are the essential building blocks of the universe. You better figure out a way to get your dads to stop cussing over that 78,000 piece Starship Enterprise he’s been diddling with the past couple years and urge him to find a way to make that sucker fly to the moon!Pronto!”
Hawking delighted in watching the kids laugh and slap high fives with each other as the incompetent earth killing dads smoldered silently in the background.
“While there isnt much to do on either Mars or the Moon, I believe we already have the ability not only to maintain human life there, but also to hardwire these planets for video game technology and the Cartoon Network. Bring along enough Coco Puffs to last a couple hundred years and life as we know it should be fairly sustainable.”
When one skeptical reporter asked Hawking to explain how humans, the very same people who have ruined earth, will be able to do any better for themselves elsewhere in the universe, Hawking brushed the question aside.
“I dont talk to journalists, except for that Ar**ndo guy from DailyKos. Is he really going to stop posting or what?”
When asked if he was a member of DKOS, Hawking shook his head “no”.
“As a rocket scientist, of course, I am interested only in the meta side of the blogosphere. All that third rate political analysis bores me half to death. We dont have time to argue! The planet is doomed and it really doesnt matter whether Warner, McCain,Feingold or Hillary win in 2008 (although I do believe that dope Frist stands no chance of getting the Reptublican nod). These kids need to get the hell off this planet NOW.”
Hawking admitted that he had heard President George W. Bush propose sending manned spacecraft to Mars, a policy brief which was issued by the President during the 2004 presidential race.
“I think Bush would do well for himself if HE could get away for awhile, say a couple of lightyears, then come back for a third chance. Right now it is clear to me that he is stuck in a double reverse negative time warp, which means that no matter what he tries to do it will turn out badly for the entire human race. This guy couldnt sell a space heater to an eskimo and at the rate he is going it wont matter because the eskimos will soon need air conditioners anyway!”
When asked about the Hawking press conference, Bush press flunky Tony Snow broke down in tears. “To see President Bushs vision of a colonized galaxy confirmed by one of the greatest scientific minds in history is just awesome! Needless to say, the president has pledged to continue furthering those policies which will lead to the complete destruction of the earth and thus speed up the time for his familys departure.” Snow told a gathering of reporters that First Lady Laura Bush had already purchased four first class tickets on the first flight “outta here.”
Snow refused to set a schedule for the worlds ultimate demise, other than to say he was fully confident in the presidents ability to “make something happen during the remaining two and one half years of his second term.”
“As you know this President likes to tackle the big subjects and here we have one of the biggest!”
When asked how colonization of outer space would play with the fundamentalist base, Snow grew angrily dismissive. “F*ck those pew jockeys. Don’t need them anymore. We cant run for reelection again anyway.”
