Just in time for the 2006 midterms, Diebold has boldly taken e-voting one step further with their new VERSION 8.0 of their electronic voting machines.
(NEW MACHINE REVEALED BELOW THE FOLD!!)
Diebolds VERSION 8.0
You may ask — “Where is the touch-screen?”
or — “How do I vote with this exciting new technology?”
Good questions!
Diebold has advanced voting technology into the future with this little baby. In fact, some may wonder if the blue-prints were given to Diebold by innovative space aliens.
You see, voting has never been easier — thanks to Diebold.
With Diebold’s patented “alpha-wave technology ®” — one merely has to think of who she wants to vote for and “voila!”, the vote is tabulated.
– no more embarrassing instances of voting for one candidate only to see that you voted for another candidate on the screen
– no more messy paper jams
– accessible to all
And counting the votes has never been easier!! Election workers need not be trained anymore (think of the money that will save!!).
1. Simply ask the question — for example, “Did Jebb Bush come up with the most votes with this machine?”
2. Flip the machine upside-down and “presto!” — the results are in, chief.
Thank God for American innovation!
Sec. of State Condaleeza Rice endorsing Version 8.0:
This prototype of Version 8.0 was found to be too small to be trusted by the Diebold design team (people seemed to have a tremendous urge to endorse candidates who had an affinity to snooker):
One of the software engineers getting into the fun:
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If you get the seriousness behind this satirical diary, please visit this Flash Slapdown presentation…
American democracy is at stake.
these machines are anti-hackable?
I was all ready to jump all over how there’s no such thing as a hackproof system. Good thing I read the diary first, huh?
Slightly off-topic, occasionally when I don’t know the answer to a question I’ll say “Reply hazy, ask again later.” It’s surprising how many people know exactly what I mean.
Having Diebold adopt Magic Eight Ball technology is appropriate, since it will tell the PermaGov what it wants to hear more often than not – the answers are non-random, and are biased towards the affirmative:
There are 20 possible answers that the Magic Eight Ball can give. Of these, nine are full positive, two are full negative, one is mostly positive, three are mostly negative, and five are abstentions:
Outlook Good
Outlook Not So Good
My Reply Is No
Don’t Count On It
You May Rely On It
Ask Again Later
Most Likely
Cannot Predict Now
Yes
Yes Definitely
Better Not Tell You Now
It Is Certain
Very Doubtful
It Is Decidedly So
Concentrate and Ask Again
Signs Point to Yes
My Sources Say No
Without a Doubt
Reply Hazy, Try Again
As I See It, Yes
(Amazing what you can learn on Google, isn’t it?)
For New York City use, the standard 8-ball is replaced with the special Arthur Gilroy Edition, where
“You May Rely On It”
is replaced with the more succinct
“Bet on it.”
What happens when it lands on the annoying corner?!
easy…
The Republican is the winner.