It’s now 2019 and President Jeb Bush, finishing up his second term, recently reiterated on national television that “we must stay the course in Iraq.”
Bush added “the Democrats under one-term President Hillary Clinton fiddled and diddled, triangulated and strangulated so much that the cause of foreign freedom was set back to such a degree that I will have to pass on this ‘test of will’ to our next Commander-In-Chief, pray it be a Republican.”
Vice President Lindsay Graham addressing the same issue this week during a talk before the troops at Fort Bragg, NC said “cutting and running is not and will never be acceptable.” The soldiers however, some of who are on their 11th and 12th rotations to Iraq, were surprisingly rather mute after Graham’s statement. Many looked dazed and confused.
Former President George Bush, the Honorary Commandant of the Veterans of Foreign Wars (awarded such because he is the president responsible for creating the largest number of foreign war vets since LBJ), was recently overheard commenting that those refusing to return to Iraq are “slackers, plain and simple.” He went on to say “I went to Iraq four or five times myself, why are they complaining?”
This was gathered over the weekend when reporters caught up with Bush while he was performing Grand Marshall duties at the Crawford Crawdad Festival and Parade. Bush is due to begin a national tour next month when his latest picture book “I Was President For Eight Years and All I Got Ta Show For It Is This Seven Pound Bass I Caught” is published.
Chris Matthews, in a role made first most famous by Ed McMahon, will travel with Bush on this tour, warming up the expected crowds. He’s to simply repeat the phrases “whata guy” and “everyone likes him except for the whack jobs.”
Ahmed Chalabi, presently gaining fame and, as usual, fortune for playing Neo The Con in the latest sequel of “The Matrix” in which his line “reality is not, in fact, real” draws boos and hisses from audiences but salutes from the 101st Fightin’ Keyboarders, is currently offering up his nephews, nicknamed Knuckleball and Screwball, as the only men who can keep Iraq together.
Chalabi recently headlined a chi-chi dinner at The New Project For The Next American Century. The non-profit, educational institution, still led by a doddering William Kristol, continues to call for an uber-muscular, testosterone-laden American foreign policy (drawn up in the safety and security of an elegant office in Washington D.C.) but emphasizes that Viagra, not flouride, should be unleashed into our nation’s water supply as a necessity for America to continue its dominant, masculine and swaggering role throughout the world. In a quite different take on the “Got Milk?” commercials from the late 1990s, Kristol has filmed a “Got wood?” advertisement to be aired on only on Fox News. Bill O’Reilly’s alternative offering “Got loofah?” was rejected.
On a positive note, former Secretary of State Condi Rice is recovering from a serious accident where she was injured when hit by numerous cars on the track at the Indianapolis Speedway. Her spokesperson quotes Condi as repeatedly saying “who would have thought it was dangerous and foolhardy to go for a simple stroll during the Indianapolis 500?”
Addendum: The exhumed corpse of former Vice President Richand Cheney was just quoted by Republican National Committee Chair emeritus Kenny Boy Mehlman as adamantly continuing to describe the insurgency in Iraq as in its last throes.
