Oh David Brooks, you have relieved me, released me from lockstep, freed me from the John Gotti-like grip Kos had over me. Like Luca Brasi in “The Godfather,” I was at Kos’ beck and call. As a member of the Kos Republican Guard (that threw all intelligence officials off our tail!), we all waited with bated breath for our next assignments. For if not being in the orbit of Kos, we had nothing, we were nothing. All was a dark void. Kos gave our lives meaning–it was all hail to Kos. That is, until I digitially connected with Master Brooks, followed by a cell phone call from him and eventually I saw the true light. I was blind but now I can see. All it took was 17 words.
Here is the final conversation I had with The Supreme Almighty Leader Kos:
Upon entering His Holy Chamber, official invite only, I fell to my knees.
Kos: Do kiss this ring (proffering his left (of course) hand.
Cogitator: Why yes Blogfather. Thank you for such an honor. Your indulgence is inexhaustible.
Kos: As a made member of La Cosa Leftstra, you are of great value to me and my evil plan for domination throughout this country and beyond.
Cogitator: Your highness, anything I can do for you brings me great pleasure.
Kos: Ah, but it has come to my attention that you recently had, shall we say, a problem. A difference of opinion from mine–the official party line, the only line. One that you blogged and then actually shared with a journalist with The New York Times. Why did you do such? Why didn’t you come to me first?
Cogitator: Yes, (tears forming) regretfully this is true. (the Blogfather then slapped me across my face)
Kos: Act like a Kossack! You are disgusting. Is this how you turned out? Have you not violated our digital Kos omerta?
Cogitator: Please indulge me, it was a moment of weakness that won’t happen again.
Kos: Did you not prick your finger (not the other way around like the 101st Fighting Keyboarders) and smear your blood on a sacred likeness of me?
Cogitator: Yes, my allegiance is yours, forever and always Don Kos.
Kos: I’m going to make you an offer you can’t refuse…it is…stop your blogging!
Cogitator: (falling to my knees) Please, no, not that Ayatollah.
Kos: You have been guilty of the most extreme crime–telling people outside the family that you had a difference with me. Such cannot be tolerated. It is imperative that I be the only shining light.
Cogitator: Capo di tutti capi, please, anything but that. I was wrong. I thought David Brooks was somebody who mattered. I promise I will never make that mistake again.
Kos: Consigliere Jerome says you are done. I am in agreement. No more keyboarding for you!
I skulked from the chamber of Kos, my cell phone rang and it was David Brooks. He said these simple words, which made it all clear for me:
“Just when you think you’re out, Kos will drag you back in again. Just wait and see.”
So now I’m a Brooksian acolyte. Free from the grip of Kos. No longer bound by factuality, knowledge, scholarship and discernment. Free to ramble about anything I desire, emancipated from the gratuitous boundaries of accuracy and integrity. I’m unconstrained, all thanks to Master Brooks.
