Donald Rumsfeld seen immediately after processing at the United Nation’s security offices
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Washington,DC (APE) – Close on the heels of the arrest of ex soldier Stephen D. Green last week in North Carolina, the Pentagon braced itself for the possibility of higher profile arrests. Late last night, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld was clandestinely rendered by covert United Nations security personnel. UN sources stated that plans are for his extradition at the request of the fledgling government of Iraq to an undisclosed location, where he will be charged and tried for the overall rape and murder of Iraq.
The Bush administration refused comment on the breaking story, except to express outrage over what they termed a “political abduction”.
Bush appears to choke on a nacho at a Washington National’s baseball game after receiving word of Donald Rumsfeld’s rendition.
The administration clearly appeared to have been blindsided by the arrest, as the president and a few key Cabinet members and advisers were attending a Washington Nationals baseball game last night. The group, comprised of the president, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, and White House adviser Josh Bolton were maintaining a low-key attendance, until they were apparently informed of Rumsfeld’s abduction. President Bush then appeared to choke on a nacho, but an alert secret serviceman quickly applied the Heimlich maneuver. The entire group left hurriedly moments later.
Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki was quoted as being very pleased that the United Nations had responded so quickly to his calls for an independent investigation. Earlier in the week, the fledgling government had reluctantly agreed to cooperate with US investigators, and plans were being made to exhume the remains of the 15 year-old girl that ex Pfc. Steven D. Green is accused of raping and murdering. Al-Maliki today stated that the new Iraqi government was pledging total cooperation with the United Nations investigation, and in defiance of Sharia Law, they were prepared to exhume the remains of over 250,000 Iraqis, if need be, to bolster the case against Rumsfeld.
In what might be termed a stunning combination blow to the administration, US Ambassador to the United Nations John Bolton was rushed to the hospital late last night from the floor of the United Nations. Witnesses stated that he had just begun an angry diatribe against the United Nations over the abduction of Rumsfeld when he suddenly became silent and collapsed. Many speculated that he appeared to have ruptured an aneurysm in mid-rant. The White House is refusing comment this morning on the condition of Bolton, saying only that his level of stability remains unchanged.
Bush Tasks Congress with Increasing Science Education Funding to Further “Spread Love”
President Bush and Senator Frist with an Aurora Community College medical technician trainee and anonymous volunteer patient
Aurora, IL (Rotters) – President Bush, on Saturday, devoted part of a two-day trip to Illinois to a local community college to tout proposals for increasing the federal government’s expenditures on science education. Accompanied by Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, he visited an innovative program to retrain high school dropouts as medical technicians.
“Clearly the answer to America’s health-care problems,” stated the president, “is to cut costs wherever possible. Many of the more routine procedures in a doctor’s office don’t require a real understanding of the sciences behind them. It’s not rocket science. It’s more like factory or peace work. If it can be done cheaper, the hospitals and doctors offices will have more profits which will lead to better health care.”
Senator Frist, a physician from Tennessee, praised the president’s initiatives. “I always felt that the president was right on the mark when he described practicing medicine as “spreading love”. The program that they have developed here will enable anyone to be able to spread their own love, freeing the doctor for more important things, such as practicing preventative medicine against the evils of abortion, birth control, and the epidemic of premarital sex. In turn, we will all be blessed by a decrease in the rate of sexually transmitted diseases.”
The rigorous two week medical technician training program developed by the community college in Aurora offers high school dropouts intensive training in the mechanics of performing routine lab procedures such as gynecological exams. In addition, the trainees receive extensive instruction in the practice of abstinence as birth control.
The two-day visit to Illinois kicked off a concerted effort by the White House to surgically alter tragically failed policy initiatives and make them more presentable to the American public in the run-up to this fall’s crucial election.
Democratic Senator John Kerry berated the administration for what he called continued attempts at “selling snake oil” to the American voter. “This is legislative malpractice of the highest order,” stated Kerry, “it is nothing more than pseudoscientific “pap”, and a “smear” on the integrity of the federal government.”