Our esteemed Vice President (and draft dodger extraordinaire) gave a speech yesterday to the Veterans of Foreign Wars convention in Reno.
I’d like to take a look at what total bs silver pearls of wisdom issued forth from his lips whilst speaking to these honored veterans. In the fashion of the classic philosophers such as Plato and Leo Strauss, I’ve placed his remarks into the literary form of an imaginary dialogue with myself as interrogator, and Vice President Cheney as the Wise Old Sage. First I’ll present my imagined question, then Mr. Cheney’s memorized talking points reportedly brilliant remarks and finally my interpretation, or rather explication, of his sophisticated and elevated discourse so that you and all the rest of the people he thinks of as peons can better understand what he was really telling us.
First Question: What does he think about the Federal District Court decision out of Detroit holding that the NSA’s warrantless surveillance program was illegal and unconstitutional?
…Cheney said the intelligence-gathering program run by the National Security Agency is one of the most important tools the country has to stop terrorism aimed at domestic U.S. targets.
The program was implemented by President Bush after the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks in a manner that was “fully consistent under the Constitution and consistent with the legal authority of the president and the civil liberties of the American people,” Cheney said.
“It’s hard to think of any category of information that would be more important to the safety and security of the United States,” Cheney said. “The recent ruling by a federal judge ordering an end to this program is just dead wrong. We are confident it will be reversed on appeal.”
Interpretation: The American people have whatever civil liberties I say they have, and the President has whatever power I think he needs, so of course the NSA spy program was perfectly legal. Anyone who thinks any differently, deserves a nice long stay at a certain beach front resort we maintain in Guantanamo, Cuba, if you get my drift.
As for that stupid darkie bitch judge’s “ruling” being reversed, we already have the IRS combing the tax records of every appellate court justice who might possibly hear the case. Rest assured, we’ll find a way to fix their opinions around the policy.
(cont.)
Next topic: What is the true nature of the terrorist threat we face today in the post-9/11 era?
Cheney said terrorists wanted to arm themselves with chemical, biological and even nuclear weapons, “to destroy Israel, to intimidate all Western countries and to cause mass death in the United States.”
He suggested critics were naive and did not understand the magnitude of the threats.
“Some might look at these ambitions and wave them off as extreme and mad,” he said. “Well, these ambitions are extreme and they are mad. They are also real and we must not wave them off, we must take them seriously.”
Interpretation: Be afraid. Be very afraid! Oh, and electing Democrats will get you and every person you love or care about killed by crazed Islamofascists that are the deadliest threat to our existence ever. So, vote for good Republicans (and/or Joe Lieberman if you live in Connecticut) and sleep better at night knowing we’ve got your back (and your cell phone records, emails, internet service provider logs, credit card receipts, and bank account information).
Next topic: There have been a lot of questions raised lately regarding our intervention in Iraq. Many Democrats and others have criticized your Administration for not having any plan after the invasion phase of the Iraq operation was completed. They point to the ever widening violence among Sunnis and Shi’ites as evidence of a civil war which our troops are unable to do anything to stop. In light of these concerns, what do you see as our options in Iraq today?
“We have only two options on Iraq — victory or defeat — and this nation will not pursue a policy of retreat,” Cheney said.
Interpretation: What are you, some commie pinko American hating Islamofascist sympathizer who wants to destroy all that is right and sacred about our great country? You don’t get to decide what our options are, you liberal scum, so shut the fuck up!
Next topic: But many Democrats contend that we should be planning to withdraw our troops from Iraq before even more of them are killed, wounded or physically and emotionally psychologically scarred for life from exposure to depleted uranium and PTSD, respectively. And many of your own generals have stated that these extended deployments of both regular and reserve units is stretching our military to the breaking point? What is your response to such criticisms ?
“A precipitous withdrawal from Iraq would be a victory for the terrorists, an invitation to further violence against free nations and a ruinous blow to the future security of the United States,” [Cheney said] said.
Interpretation: Look, my little weasely leftist friend, American soldiers are good for only two things: (1) as cannon fodder and (2) as backdrops for speeches and photo ops by President Bush, Secretary Rumsfeld and yours truly (and Condi if I’m feeling particularly generous).
So don’t go all bleeding heart liberal on me about the poor troops. They are defending the America I know and love, one where a conniving, draft dodging asshole like myself can earn millions in stock options off the spilling of their blood and their guts in desert sand. Frankly, I think that’s something that’s worth having them fight for over there, rather than flip burgers over here. Anyone who thinks differently is either a defeatist traitor, or someone who doesn’t own shares in Halliburton and the other reputable corporations that have contributed money to the Republican party and been rewarded with government contracts for their generosity. Or, most likely, both.
Next topic: Don’t you think invading Iraq has made us less secure by providing terrorists a training ground and by aiding the recruitment efforts of terrorist organizations associated with Al Qaeda throughout the Islamic world?
“I know some have suggested that by liberating Iraq from Saddam Hussein we simply stirred up a hornet’s nest,” Cheney said. “They overlook a fundamental fact. We were not in Iraq on Sept. 11, 2001, and the terrorists hit us anyway.”
Interpretation: You see, on 9/11 I was in an undisclosed bunker shaking in my Gucci loafers and Bush was reading a children’s book about a goat to a bunch of dumbass poor black kids. Now look where we are. I thank Osama bin Laden every day, both for what he did for me personally, and for my many friends in the oil and defense industries, in general. It’s because of 9/11 that we were able to invade Iraq without anyone (other than those French bastards) raising any real objections until it was too late. We’ve created a new reality in the Middle East, a new reality at home, and a new reality in my personal fortune. God willing we’ll get to attack Iran and maybe even shoot off the stray bunker busting nuke (or two, or three) in the bargain. Hornet’s nest hell! We need to kick more hornets’ nests in my opinion. And if I have any say in it, we will.
Next topic: But don’t you think international terrorism is on the rise thanks to the Bush administration’s unilateral use of military force against Iraq rather than hunting down the Al Qaeda terrorists who attacked us on 9/11?
Attacks have happened around the world, from London to Bombay, Cheney said.
“Nobody can guarantee that we won’t be struck again,” he said.
But “sound policy decisions” by the president and good work by the military and others charged with protecting the country from attacks has been a big part of why the country has remained safe, Cheney said.
Interpretation: Listen. You and I both know that international terrorist attacks are on the rise. I know our good friends in Spain, Britain and Italy have suffered electoral setbacks when terrorist attacked their countries and killed a few unimportant people.
I also know a negligible amount of our troops have been killed in Iraq, and a few of their families aren’t happy about that. Probably some of them (like that fruitcake Cindy Sheehan) blame us for it. But they don’t see the larger picture. And except for that little anthrax incident which no one in the media ever reports about anymore (with good reason) we haven’t been hit again.
And if we should get hit again, why Karl Rove will find a way to spin it to our advantage. And that’s all that matters.
My Final Statement: Thank you Mr Cheney for an enlightening and illuminating discussion.
Go Fuck Yourself!
Interpretation: Go Fuck Yourself!
