George Bush is complaining to an orderly: “Cheney just invaded my room. announced that he has taken over and destroyed my Legos replica of the White House.”
Cheney then passes by and when confronted, he shrugs and says, “It’s my doctrine of pre-emption. He was too dangerous to ignore, what with his prediliction for coming into my room and passing gas. I got fed up with those mushroom clouds of his and took action. Case closed.”
Bush replies, “C’mon Shotgunner, you’re like them Islamoterrorfacists I warned people about. You’ve become them. There is no doubt. I’m telling you, you should have left my Legos structure alone. I will respond.”
Cheney feigns fear: “Ohhhhhh, empty suit boy is threatening me, ohhhhhhhh,” prompting Bush to say “You, you…are an axis of evil, like that troll doll lookalike you and your nutters failed me on in North Korea.”
“Jeez Bushwhacker, I made you. Without me, you were just a cardboard cutout. C’mon, you’re in your last throes.
Donald Rumsfeld appears and starts throwing things around, saying with a broad grin, “Ahhhh, stuff happens…democracy is untidy, isn’t it?”
Staff move in and place him in a straightjacket. With a demonic look on his face, he shouts to Bush, “You know, there are knowns and unknowns…known unknowns and unknown knowns…unknown unknowns and known knowns…so watch out, I’ll be back to get you with the army I have, rather than the one I wished I had…”
Bush checks a box on a piece of paper, hands it to staff and says crisply: “Waterboard him until he starts making sense, no signing statement needed.”
Paul Wolfowitz rushes up, foaming at the mouth and says, “Hey, Curveball just told me there’s someone with a weapon of mass deception around here! Or was it Screwball and there were weapons of mass destruction there (pointing to another wing of the facility)? Well, whatever, when can we bomb somebody?”
Bush says, “yeah, and let’s do that song again, the one we used to gather ’round and sing, “If I had a bomb, I’d bomb in the morning, I’d bomb in the evening, all over this land…” He notices nobody has joined in and stops.
Then, Richard Perle and Bill Kristol make an appearance, holding hands and shouting, “There’s someone in the left wing of this building, a real bad guy, most untrustworthy, sorta swarthy, well, we gotta take him out and remake that wing. Gotta show the world that our testicles are not only intact but that they’re still most large and ready for action.”
Cheney chimes in with, “Yep, gotta act ballsy, carrying big wood. Why, I still chase Lynne around the room, even at my age. But then, I can’t remember what to do once I catch her.”
“Jeez, don’t give me that again” Bush shouts at Cheney. “First you give me no exit strategy for, for, for…what was that…oh yeah, my presidency, and now you can’t even work up an entry plan! You just keep up the big balls talkin’ when your pair are the size of peanuts. Hell, at least I was in the skies over Texas on the lookout for them high flyin’ Viet Cong during the Vietnam War when you and Lynne were going at it like a pair of rabbits tryin’ to produce a kid to keep your pasty white ass safe.”
Cheney replies, “Ah, go fuck yourself.'”
Eliot Abrams, fresh off burying more nuns murdered by his roving band of Iranian-supplied freedom fighters, flings open a supply room door, jumps into the hallway and states, “We recognize that military action in that wing, if necessary, will have adverse humanitarian consequences. We have been planning over the last several months, across all relevant agencies, to limit any such consequences and provide relief quickly.”
Cheney snarls at Bush, “Jeez, did you neuter him? He’s talking like a FEMAcrat instead of a true warrior. You got him reading Dr. Phil or something?”
Ken Mehlman suddenly appears, babbling incoherently, “You know Tim, it was Howard Dean who was responsible for the loss in Iraq, a tragedy we tried so hard to avoid but the spineless Democrats couldn’t muster up enough backbone to keep up the fight. Thet bailed just as the tide turned to our favor. They wanted to pick a daisy ring and hand it to Osama bin Laden, hoping he would go away. Can I say it Tim? Can I say it? If it’s Sunday, it must be Press The Meat.”
“Back to your closet, Kenny Boy,” Bush admonishes.
Wolfowitz buts in, “We are dealing with a wing that can really finance its own reconstruction and relatively soon. And those of you pussyfooters who think we need to send a half a million troops to win this thing, well, you’re wildly off the mark.”
Perle steps up to say, “And a year from now, I’ll be very surprised if there is not some grand square over in that wing that is named after President Bush. There is no doubt that, with the exception of a very small number of people close to a vicious regime, the people of that wing will have been liberated and they will understand that they’ve been liberated.”
Joe Lieberman wanders in and says “Is this it, I was told there was a party here?” Everyone greats him with a nod and a smirk. “Hey Joe baby,” Bush says, “how’s that tree fort outside we fixed up for you to live in working out?”
Lieberman, “I am honored that you would ask me, Mr. President. I will stay vigilant and on the lookout for any approaching Al-Queda members or liberal Democrats and warn you accordingly. The fort is a bit cold in the winter months and when it rains…but I know you chose me because you needed someone special for the job. Can I get a kiss?”
Bush responds, “Joe, not now, okay? Your cooperation is outstanding Joe. We couldn’t do it without you. Maybe someday, it will be safe enough for you to move in here with the rest of us. That is, if your fellow Democrats don’t get back into power and harm this country.”
“Fellow Democrats? Oh yes, rightly so, Mr. President, I’ve got your back,” Lieberman responds. Bush says under his breath, “And I have your ass.”
Tony Snow walks into the room, unsuccessfully looks for a podium and finally announces “The tar baby is incoming Mr. President.”
Soon, Condi Rice appears, recognizes all the familiar players and the first thing out of her mouth is, “Who would have thought…”
