Hello Everyone…
This is Dena, Diane’s friend from Baghdad, Iraq…
Diane has managed for so long to make me a very well-known person, on this website and elsewhere, that an extended introduction might not be necessary!
I have known Diane for so long and she is a person that has touched my life in the most beautiful ways with her sound advices, motherly love and adorable sense of humor. She has introduced to a galaxy of wonderful people that has made my very first experiences in the United States dearly memorable. She has often spoken to me about how the members of Booman Tribune are sympathetic to what I was experincing before and after arriving in the U.S. and I know that this probably an extremely belated thank you to each and every one of you, and that i should have been on this website a long time ago, but I am hoping that you consider all the difficulties I had to overcome to arrive, settle and adjust until the time for such leisurly undertaking as writing could come. Besides, I only use the word “leisurly” ironically because writing is never a leisurly, relaxed process for me. It is rather an emotionally and intellectually consuming endeavor to communicate thoughts, feelings and experiences, and my perfectionist tendencies in this respect always cause me to call off the task altogether! So once again I apologize for not being able to take the time and join your brilliant community and thank you for all your dear wishes and heartfelt prayers that has, as I see the evidence around me day in day out, made the challenges of settling and performing well valuable lessons to learn from life…
Settling and learning to adjust was not an easy task, to be sure. When you come to the United States you come loaded with hopes and aspirations. You become an incarnation of all of those who came long before you seeking long-lost dreams and a much-craved sense of security, happiness and peace of mind. But when you come here from a place which has ruthlessly and constantly ailed you, consuming your lustiest and most spirited youthful years and depriving you of even your most basic human needs, the bulk of your dreams and expectations becomes incomparable to that of any of those who traveled on the same plane that landed you off here! There is a sense of suspense, anticipation, unease – even helplessness and fear. You are determined to succeed, to become the smash hit in your field of study or expertise, to write the next great American novel, to become the next American legend (or Idol, depending on your interests!) – or simply to become your own hero and pat yourself on the back whispering “Good job! You did it!”
All of those around you, everywhere, can sense the excitement in the air – the passport check-in officer at the airport smiles constantly for you and there’s a “welcome aboard” statement written beautifully on his face, and the old couple sitting nearby are smiling dearly at you probably musing “How young and adorable! If only we are 26 again!”, your orientation leaders assure you that this the “honeymoon” period of your life, and you call home asserting boastfully that you are doing amazingly great and that they need not worry because you are a superman – or woman! All is clear and sunny and happy – until….
Until…you wake up one morning and it suddenly hit you that you simply not that mythical, super-powerful creature who will work miracles soon and make mom and dad the proudest parents on earth…the creature you only yesterday claimed yourself to be! You stare at the “to-do” list lounging lazily on your bedside table, gazing teasingly back at you and challenging defiantly “I dare you to take care of you, or get a thing written on me accomplished!” You relinquish the challenge and admit that the list subdued you. You fall back hard on your head, very hard. Everything turns all black or white. Initial numbness and then total paralysis.
What happened?! How has the Mighty fallen?!?
Change. That tricky transition that can either make you or break you. Becoming free, responsible and alone – and becoming all of these in a very short time. The rhythm of your life and your daily performance has been seriously disturbed. All familiarities desecrated. All known structure demolished. The surroundings, nay, our entire lives, have dramatically changed – and so must we.
I cannot remember the exact time when all has crumbled down around me. As far as I can remember, the disintegration was building up and accumulating a mass of tensions without me knowing about it. It all happened behind my back! There was not one perfect moment to explode. The forces of change chose rather to make themselves visible only occasionally until the moment of total collapse finally imposed itself. And when it occurred, it was so powerful that I opted ending my own life rather than letting it continue to rack me the way it did…The grief was too much to be contained and the pain was too much to quench…These were feelings where individual will has no say at all. Depression becomes a lifestyle without giving any promotion whatsoever. Tears do not give prior notice before drowning eyes and face. All that was rosy turns pitch-dark and all that was beautiful is now too hideous to look at. Utter ruin.
Such mystery was this transformation for me! I have known far more agonizing times throughout my life, but not even once had I contemplated taking my own life as the only possible, remaining choice – even though fits of depression were not entirely uncommon…Not a single suicidal thought could manage to find access into my life before. What has changed now?! Such a transformation was simply frightening! I have always been hopeful, cheerful, confident of good things in store yet to happen and come my way and with such powerful passion and such love of exploration and expanding and experiencing all the beauty and mystery and strangeness that life has to offer…That was me even though my life has never been particularly generous in bestowing enough reasons to help maintain such a positive attitude…What happened now?!
This chaos had to stop. IMMEDIATELY.
Our outlook on life does not change overnight, and the most crushing burden is our expectation that it should. Therefore, the key for me was to learn to not to be too harsh on myself and allow time to take its course. Thoese images of the Superman and the Unbeatable are all self-taught. We label ourselves according to what we rather like to be, and not who we really are. We are young and verdant and so vulnerable at times. It is ok. Admitting that it is where the challenge is! Stripping ourselves of preconceived notions about who we truly are, allowing ourselves to miss loved ones and feel nostalgic to all that’s familiar is indispensable if any healing is to be effected. This is not easy because the expectations are always too enormous, not only by others but also because of what we ourselves expect to accomplish having raised the bar extremely high giving no way to any compromise whatsoever. So besides your professors’ voices in your head reminding you that you are a graduate student with a completely new and highly demanding set of responsibilities, but it is also your own voice humming that scary, forceful tune “Be Super!” inside your head all the time…
Once I was able to make that initial move towards acknowledging my “human substance” I began to see it becomes easier to find further compromises to help adjust and feel better, enabling me to turn homesickness into an emotion whose main purpose is to promote your sense of belonging to the familiar people, places and experiences where I came from. Look back at them sympathetically, dearly and joyfully – like the old couple at the airport!
The sweeping changes that have stormed our modern world affect us more than we can ever imagine. These have sneaky, obnoxious ways of taking their toll on us, and it is only after a considerable damage has been done that we come to the realization that we need to reinvent ourselves to rise above the commonalities expected by a deeply established culture; a culture so threatening to our sense of confidence and self-worth. Our culture, as students, expect us to conform to a set of “cool” and “wow” stereotypes in every single detail of our lives: studying, friendships, and relationships. Those of us who choose to deviate from those time-honored stereotypes are very likely to have to face some tough challenges every now and then. But here’s what I know… I know that it is only after we succeed in overthrowing stereotypes and allowing ourselves to just be who we really are then we are likely to experience any peace of mind. If we, as young men and women, can succeed in reforming our own lives in a way that meets our own expectations and not that of the predominant culture, and preserve our sense of importance and self-worth and giving ourselves the right to celebrate being a man and being a woman, then it is very unlikely that our lives will continue to have the same bleak and dull aspect anymore.
We all have heard such maxims as “Expand your horizons” and “think outside the box” (Diane, thank you for introducing me to these two Americanisms!!!) I know that some of us are sick and tired of hearing them again, but they still work! How dare me be so confident!?? Experience. How much you are willing to experience with expanded horizons and dumped boxes will eventually determine the quality of your life. It works very much the same way a marriage works two or three years after the honeymoon; it is up to the couple to make it a living hell or a blissful paradise! What you get back will always depend on what you put in there in the first place…
I haven’t yet recovered completely…My thoughts go out to my mother sometimes in the strangest ways awakening me from the deepest and most reposeful sleeping hours…Love is in the details; the smell, the voice and the sound of laughter of someone who has dedicated their entire life to make you the person you are today – that’s what my mother did. And even though it could endanger her own life to make it known to the world that I have made it this far, she still opts to boast proudly my successes for her own self-gratification…
It is only when I contemplate this much love that I feel more confirmed in the belief that love is what all this life is all about…