10/13/06 Bush Crucified in New Book, “Tempting Faith”
“Forgive me Lord, for I know not what I do” Bush stated
Washington, DC (APE) – “Just get me a F—ing Faith-Based thing. Got it?!?” said chief presidential adviser Karl Rove to Bush aide Don Willet in 2001, according to the new book, Tempting Faith, by David Kuo. The book is scheduled to be released in print on Monday, but quotations from advanced copies have the White House screaming about Democratic political machinations, three weeks before the elections.
Kuo, a fundamentalist conservative Republican who was a former insider with the administration’s largely unfunded Faith Based Initiatives, also claims that the Bush administration regularly referred to its evangelical supporters as “goofy” and “nuts”. He also offered evidence that rumors of the administration’s use of code words and phrases as well as visual symbolism, to placate its base during public appearances were in fact true.
The White House early this morning went on the offensive at a press conference with Press Secretary Tony Snow. Snow described charges set forth in the book as “bordering upon blasphemous”, and accused Kuo of being a “Judas of the highest order”.
“To accuse this president of such a cynical lack of faith ought to be a mortal sin,” stated Snow. “With the coming elections, only three weeks away, I can honestly say that this entire administration has been praying together almost daily.”
The White House angrily denied charges that it routinely manipulated images for religious symbolism
“I personally admire President Bush for his ability to turn the other cheek, during these times of adversity,” continued Snow. “He in fact had predicted that this turn of events would occur, with his ultimate betrayal. He wants to assure everyone, however, that despite the outcome of the election in November, his administration will rise again in the hearts and minds of true believers in America.”
Conservative religious activist James Dobson, who was cited in the book, was contacted for comment. A spokesperson for Mr. Dobson stated that the Reverend had made a decision to “wash his hands of the entire incident”.
10/13/06 Angry Bush Announces Sanctions against Brits over Threats to Withdraw Forces
Bush insisted that his finger was not “on the button”
Washington, DC (Rotters) – The morning after scathing criticisms from the British, in regards to the prison at Guantánamo Bay and threats to withdraw all troops from Iraq, an angry President Bush stated that there would be “severe repercussions” should the British follow through with their threats.
“It has always been the policy of this administration to resolve differences through diplomatic channels,” stated Bush in a hastily arranged morning press conference, “but all options will remain on the table. I don’t know about in Britain, but here, we can shoot deserters. The world needs to know that they have nuclear weapons and must not be allowed to terrorize those that they disagree with.” Bush was responding to a question from a reporter asking if nuclear strikes had been considered.
The British announcement of its desire to withdraw from Iraq comes on the heels of the U.S. Army’s latest plans for maintaining its current troop strength through 2010. An armed services spokesperson stated that while it had met recruitment goals for 2006 it would be hard pressed to make up for the loss of British boots on the ground.
In a report issued earlier this week, the Army boasted of meeting its recruitment goals despite the growing American distaste for the occupation of Iraq. It reluctantly admitted that it had done so by lowering established academic, mental health, and legal standards.
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld defended the change in standards for the all volunteer armed services. “The majority of the problems that we are still seeing in Iraq and Afghanistan are a result of zealous dead enders with a lot of time on their hands,” stated Rumsfeld. “We’ve succeeded in arming them and getting them into uniforms, but they just haven’t played by the rules. Sometimes the best policy is to lead by example. If we can succeed in recruiting dead enders here, then we can have them fight theirs over there… sort of like killing two birds with one IED, if you will.”
Britain’s top military commander, General Richard Dannatt, in an interview with the British newspaper the Daily Mail refused to say if the US Defense Department’s new policies had weighed into his insistence for the withdrawal of British troops. “We have got to stand together with our American allies. But I want to go on the record publicly as saying that we don’t need to be standing head and shoulders above them,” he said.
10/11/06 Bush Finishes Third behind Clinton and Hastert in Annual DC Husband Carrying Competition
Laura Bush finishing third in local DC event
Washington, DC (APE) – Thousands turned out for the annual “Husband Carrying Competition” on the Mall in Washington, DC this past weekend. The annual race, featuring national leaders from both parties is held for charity every year, and this year’s proceeds went towards a fund established to help defray the expenses of counseling and psychotherapy for congressional pages.
First place finishers Hillary and Bill Clinton
This year, Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton finished first with her husband, former President Bill Clinton, successfully navigating obstacles and enduring the weight of her spouse throughout the course in record time.
Rules for the competition are such that partners don’t need to be married. Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert made an appearance with Florida Representative Mark Foley, who had briefly left rehab to participate in the event. Spectators were stunned and horrified as Hastert early on collapsed, out of breath, under the weight of Foley. To the applause of those present, Foley quickly hefted Hastert, onto his back, reversing their roles in completing the course in a wild second-place finish.
First Lady Laura Bush, with husband President George Bush in tow finished a very close third. Many present felt that the First Lady had a real shot at winning the competition, but was hampered by the backseat driving of Mr. Bush, who was heard repeatedly yelling, “Stay the course! Stay the course! “
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10/11/06 Suspected Second North Korean Nuclear Test Not Linked to Quake
Kim Jong Il, branding US sanctions as a “Declaration of War”
Tokyo, Japan (Rotters) – Tokyo scientists early this morning stated that after a review of the data, a small earthquake in the north of Japan did not account for the tracing ascribed to a possible second North Korean nuclear blast. They now claim that the faint tremors were different from the small earth quake, and did, in actuality, originate from the same location that North Korea earlier on Monday claimed to have detonated a nuclear device.
The faint, largely undetected shock waves on Wednesday were several orders of magnitude below those detected on Monday following North Korea’s reputed nuclear test. Critics have debated the magnitude of the initial shockwaves on Monday, largely stating that they revealed a very small yield nuclear explosion at best, or more likely a failed experiment.
The North Korean government has remained close lipped in regards to details on either purported blast, but insists that it now has nuclear capabilities and has intimated that it could possibly launch a nuclear tipped missile.
An anonymous CIA source today stated that the agency now believes that the Monday test was indeed a “dud”. They stated that undercover sources within the North Korean government claimed that charismatic leader Kim Jong-Il was very visibly upset over the failure of the device on Monday, and on Wednesday went into a tantrum over the news of announced unilateral sanctions by the United States, and the failure of scientists to produce a second test in a timely manner. CIA sources speculated that this tantrum may have indeed been what was detected by supersensitive Japanese monitoring devices.
Late Tuesday, the United States announced unilateral sanctions against North Korea designed to punish its leadership rather than its downtrodden and impoverished population. Major US corporations have announced voluntary boycotts of marketing in North Korea at the request of the US government. Upjohn, the manufacturer of Rogaine will cease all sales and imports to the country, as will Jack Daniels Inc. Also, the international men’s hair restoration companies Hair Club for Men and Avacor-USA will cease all activities with the country.
A spokesman for North Korea speaking through a Beijing-based official stated “Sanctions are nonsense. But if the United States insists on following through with this, Kim Jong-Il will consider it a declaration of war.”
