Post-election edition, cross-posted in orange.

Dear Batshit Loopy Lame-duck Prez,

I understand it has been a tough twenty-four hours for you, sir.  What with staying up past your bed time watching the country rebuke your (absence of) leadership.  And then having to sacrificially offer up dear old Rummy.  I understand why you look like somebody kicked your dog.  But, since new speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has basically agreed not to impeach you for your lying us into war, you’re going to be with us as a lame duck for a couple of years.  Therefore, I took the liberty of jotting down some notes from the past day.  Things that I think might help you get by for the next couple of years.

First, nice job not smirking at today’s press conference.  It was almost as if someone knocked the smirk off your face.  Try and remember that feeling in the future.  Use it.  Kind of like method acting.  So the next time you are filled with smarmy hubris, and your mouth starts to take its natural smirk-like form, you can remember how it feels to get kicked collectively by a really angry electorate.  People will stop hating you eventually, if you can just keep the smirk under control.  Hell, Nixon got buried with relatively good cheer.  Hang in there.  It’s really this simple.  Normal chimp like smirk  + you remembering the country’s collective bad-will toward you personally = sad face without smirk.  This will help.  I promise.  You’re sure to get buried with a flag and everything someday.

Second, (and this one is really important) stop congratulating people who have completely fucked up in the most obvious ways.  You know, like when you said “great job Brownie,” after your FEMA secretary oversaw the total non-response to the greatest natural disaster this country has ever seen.  You did it again today.  And most people in this country don’t care about you as much as I do, so I’m fairly certain when I say this — you really pissed people off when you congratulated Rummy on doing a great job in Iraq.  You see, sir, you were firing him because Iraq is presently the greatest foriegn affairs disaster that any living voter can remember.  So it sounds pretty fucking dim-witted for you to roll-out the compliment on one hand, while you’re forcing Rummy off the stage with the other.  And while beyond doubt America knows you are a dim feeb, you shouldn’t remind them of it so blatantly.  It was nice to have a revolutionary election.  No sense encouraging anything Marie Antionette-ish, though.  So.  To make it easy.  Praising the incomeptent = engendering hostility = small increase in the chance of actual revolution = ugly things (picture modern Iraq, cast in D.C. terms).  So just fucking stop it.  Watch some “Apprentice” re-runs (oh, you’ve already seen every show?) and practice forming the words Donald Trump says at the end:  “You’re fired.”  Then shut-up, and these two years should go by much more smoothly.

Third, I’ve got an idea about how you might lighten your workload.  Make things just a bit easier.  Next time you are at the ranch, clearing brush, I think you should take this new Senator, John Tester, with you.  There’s a dude who looks like he could clear all your brush in about an hour.  And he only has seven fingers, I think.  Shoot sir, this would free up 30 or 40 hours a week, I bet.  You might be able to learn how to imitate a competent commander-and-chief with all that extra time.  Probably not.  But you could try.  Plus, you could probably take Tester hunting — a lot less likely to shoot you in the face than that guy with all the stents in his heart.

Fourth, a short vocabulary primer.  Some terms you may need to know now that the country has spoken.  Subpoena — an order by a court or Congress for you and your minions to appear and attempt to lie under oath to avoid responsibility for anything.  Oversight — this is that thing the Republican Congress never liked to do.  You know, like having a boss or supervisor so you aren’t running wild trying to destroy the world with impunity.  Finally.  Democracy — representing the interests of the electorate.  Just, work on these for now.

That’s all I’ve got for today, sir.  I’m a little tired.  I was up until three a.m. or so celebrating the re-birth of our Republic.  Best of luck.

Sincerely,

BostonJoe