I hate this time of year. Five main reasons (leading up to nice little political rant):
- Since age 10, horrified by disconnect between mother’s forced Christmas cheerfulness and her alcoholic confusion (and violent rages).
- When I was 23, my younger brother killed himself two days before Christmas (today is the anniversary).
- My wife and I have been unable to have children, and several adoption efforts blew up horribly, and the dogs don’t understand the Christmas stuff. Every day is Christmas for them if they get a walk and some attention. Not having children is especially hard this time of year. (We’re making Christmas dinner for some kids, and helping out many more in lots of different ways, but it’s not quite the same.)
- This particular year has been very bad for my business.
- I’m horrified beyond belief by the disjunction between all the cheerful Christmas lights and the horrors of Iraq and torture and the other crimes of the Bush regime. I have a 45-minute drive home these days, through the most Republican part of Maryland, and this year I’ve noticed many Christmas light displays in ostentatious red, white and blue. A couple of places have American flag images made out of Christmas lights, right in the midst of Santas and angels and an occasional nativity scene. The conflation of cheap patriotism and materialistic religiosity drives me crazy. There is something truly blasphemous and obscene about putting an American flag, which is dripping with the blood of torture, next to a nativity scene, some kind of horrible total double idolatry. I feel quite socially isolated (and deranged) with such feelings. I keep fantasizing about stopping at this one place and telling the owner I think it’s a public disgrace that he’s put up a giant flag in lights next to a Santa Claus figure. It’s like Superman: Truth, Justice, and the American Way! He probably would not see my point.
And now I’m about to rush out to finally do a couple of hours of Christmas shopping that cannot be skipped. Oh cheerio.
This is not written or reasoned well. Just blowing off some angst.
Sometimes it’s good to get thoughts like that out and down on paper.
I remember thinking last year that I wasn’t feeling very christmassy due to thinking about troops and the people in Iraq while I could hear people walking by my apartment and laughing and I irrationally wanted to go out and shout at them to shut the fuck up.
I was hoping by this christmas that our troops would be home and the people in Iraq would be getting their lives back on track but unfortunately I’m having the same irrational urge this year.
And yeah the juxtaposition of holiday lights with the flag is kinda sick to my way of thinking also. Much prefer supersoling’s peace sign in red lights.
My wish for you and your wife is to have a peaceful holiday as possible Arminius. Maybe by next year we will be have something to feel more joyful about.
You are the rational one Chocolate Ink. Please don’t ever forget that :o)
Love and Peace
Thanks super, I certainly don’t feel to rational at times thinking about this administrations screwing up every single facet of the government. What depresses me even more is the fact that several people I know who you’d consider liberal or progressive have decided that they don’t want to discuss politics with me anymore cause I’m too depressing and they just want to ignore everything now and go on about their lives. I guess they think if they don’t hear any more bad news that somehow it’s all gone away and everything is back to ‘normal’ and the country is doing fine. This really is the ‘kill the messenger’ type of thinking that will end with the country being completely taken over by the criminals in office.
And on a more upbeat note super, I truly hope the holiday’s bring you and your family much joy this season and that the new year will be very kind to you and everyone you love.
I’ve been pleasantly surprised and heartened by a few recent exchanges with friends who I had assumed were barely paying attention to what’s going down here. Once the subject of Bush came up they went on an angry tear about the loss of freedoms, the similarities to fascism, how so many are suffering financially despite the economic spin coming out of Wall Street and DC, and on and on. Including talk of war crimes trials and the people being on the verge of rising against a runaway government. I breathed a sigh of relief really.
Chocolate, I wish and hope the same kindnesses for you, now and always. You are one of my very favorite people here :o)
There are so many great people here at the Frog Pond but some people just speak to my heart and mind more than others so I will return the feeling super.
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It’s right to rant and reflect, some call it meditation or prayer.
Christmas is not about commerce, copious meals or patriotism. On the contrary, it’s about people who are shut out by society or the innkeeper. The birth of a child in a manger, kept warm by livestock. May both of you be blessed in the coming year, with what’s needed in life to fulfill your personal goals.
"But I will not let myself be reduced to silence."Hi Oui, I will deflect your words back to you and to wish you the very best this season and in the coming year.
Arminius,
I remember your story of family suicide. It must be really difficult and haunting, especially now. And I understand your longing for children because I feel so fortunate to have mine. They are everything to me. There are kids out there who are hungry, abandoned, abused and unloved by their own parents. There’s no moral justice in the divide between people like you and your wife, and all those children who need your love.
You’re far from alone in your feelings of a societal disconnect. Tampopo and I felt something close to what you describe as we walked along the Mall in DC and pondered everyone going about their business as though everything were alright and thousands were’nt dying in this war and others. Or that they were losing their civil liberties to a mad government.
This is a verse from a favorite song…
“Sunshine come on back another day, I promise you I’ll be singing,
This old world, she’s gonna turn around,
brand new bells will be ringin'”
I wish you success in business, in surviving your family history, and one day soon, hopefully finding that child that needs you as much as you need them.
Love and Peace
That’s the best Christmas card I’ve gotten this year. Thanks very much!
(It’s even better than the one from my Dad, who expressed hope that next year I’ll finally lose my ‘Bush hatred,’ which is caused by the left wing media he believes.)
Manhugs to you. You’ve expressed many of the things that I would like to say. I’ve never found this time of year to be particularly happy.
My brother in law passed away about a week ago. The holidays suddenly became even less important. Right now I just hope that my sister makes it through into January.
My heartfelt wish for your sister is that she finds some comfort somewhere. I lost someone very dear to me last week also. I can’t help but think that it’s been a very bad year, with too many such losses. Here’s hoping that 2007 will be much kinder to all of us.
Peace
I’ll send some womenhugs your way boran and hope you and your family will make it through the season with as much peace as possible.
Arminius, Rereading your post and my comments, I’ve realized that my words fell a bit short of responding to yours. (I’m a bit more preoccupied than usual.) But the thing that really stands out is your difficulty having children. We were only able to have our son with the assistance of fertility treatments, and even then it took some time. He is a precious thing, I can’t imagine life without him. This is a poor way of stating that I can understand your feelings. But I don’t portray emotion particularly well in my writing. Let me say this much, if I could reach through the the screen to touch you, I would do so without hesitation.
Your words did not fall short. They were honest words. And my best thoughts go out to you, your sister, and the rest of your family. Merry Christmas boran2.
I’m just amazed that this dyspeptic little rant is recommended! It’s great to have a little group like this that can relate.
Merry Christmas to all of you.
This is what being a part of a community is all about. My best thoughts are with you and your wife. AND Merry Christmas.
Many years ago I decided that it was really impossible to be happy or up all the time and decided if I felt a blue streak coming on that instead of trying to talk myself out of it I would just go with it and think every lousy thought I could. Oddly this seemed to lessen the blues and even could make me laugh at times during it.
The only ‘rules’ I gave myself were that I was not allowed to wallow for more than a few days and not to take out my feelings on anyone else and not to feel guilty for not putting on a happy face for a few days.
And there is absolutely nothing worse than some clueless idiot telling you to smile and cheer up cause things can’t be that bad-that just might cause me to break that rule about not taking out my feelings on that person.
Can’t say I’ve had any of the same life experiences as you but at least we agree there’s not much merry going around this time of year 😉
Actually I’m a take it or leave it kind of person and I’m happy to be home alone this holiday so I can get some work done 🙂
I lived in the Beltway for years – don’t let those clowns get you down. Just remember the rest of the real world is never as insane as where you live 🙂
Pax
Arminius,
{{{{HUGS}}}} to you and your wife. I hope that the sun spreads many rays your way this holiday season – to help chase those blues away.
Peace
Much love and best wishes to all that are dealing with grief and special challenges right now.
To me the joy of Christmas comes from the symbolism of light or hope in the darkness. So if you are struggling with any kind of darkenes, I wish you light whether is be from a star in the east or a spark light you find in your own heart.
Has been for ages. When I was younger it meant being stuck in enclosed spaces with my step family, some of whom I liked, some of whom made me want to climb out the nearest window. So I never built those childhood memories of happy holidays. This year has the added stress of a close family member with a mental illness who has recently vanished. She’s had at least one encounter with the polices who could tell she was delusional but couldn’t do anything to help her because of the way health care doesn’t work in America. Repeated attempts to get her help have failed and there’s nothing I can do for her anymore, except hope she finds a place where she can feel safe enough to get help. So, hugs, the holidays can suck, but you’re not alone.
This Christmas means slowly watching my Mother waste away from leukemia. Suffice it to say that it isn’t a happy time for either my sweet hubby or me. Mom’s appetite is just about zero no matter what we take over to try to temp her and she’s starting to look like a walking skeleton. All I want to do is sleep or cry. We’ll do the Xmas Eve noshing and a big dinner on Xmas Day, but it’s all in hopes of getting a few more calories into her. May the rest of you have a far better holiday.. Blessings!
I hope that the New Year will bring you (and everyone else in the pond) all the good things that I believe you (all) deserve.
I value your presence here and the goodness of your contributions and the sentiments that provoke them. Thanks for sharing…
I am so sorry for all the loss, sadness and angst you are feeling. While I am as upset about the war as anyone else, I send good thoughts to the innocents who must suffer, do what I can to make a difference but try not to let the anger I feel darken the rest of the world for me or my loved ones. I have lost loved ones and try to remember the good times instead of dwelling on the loss itself.
This excerpt from the Serenity Prayer has always helped me and I hope it will help any who are feeling especially down this season.
..and I believe it is the most powerful force there is. We try to give it labels and forms, but it’s far too vast to fit into any of them. I also believe it can be transmitted from one to another by something as invisible as a thought. So in this comment, I send love along to all who are carrying pain or fears that weigh on your hearts, and ask that it provide you with whatever sustenance and comfort and courage that is needed to carry you through, and warm you along your way.
Dear (((Arminius)))
You are not alone, but much beloved here. Many of us have shared the same experiences as you, and will understand when you come around to vent.
Good or bad, holidays come and go, remember – this too shall pass.
Much love and peace to you and yours.
was killed so I can relate to having trauma around Christmas. I really can’t tell you when my family started celebrating Christmas with enthusiasm again, I guess we came to be present gradually and my own children sealed my fate that the Christmas spirit would return to me. There will always be a little pain there for me and if other pains arrive this time of year it can become challenging. We have created some of our own Christmas rituals and as for the patriotic tripe right now I look away, no sense dwelling right now on those who cannot comprehend. It is the season to nurture ourselves and our loved ones so that we in turn can nurture the greater world around us that we all live in. It is where miracles start from and our traumas and hardships are but reminders of how important and all powerful those miracles of human spirit, decency, and love are.
I have a renewed sense of hope for all of us and I want to share that feeling with you. There is a chance that things have turned for the better and, at least for me, that makes life so much easier to bear. For those who are in pain, my hope is that it passes quickly and that you will find some serenity in your lives.
For me, the most important things we can have are love and friendship. Those are here in this community in great abundance. Peace.