Washington, DC (APE) – Oil executives, lobbyists, and campaigners are racing to provide cash and other essentials to hundreds of stranded Republicans in the new Democratic covered Capitol building.
The Maryland National Guard resumed dropping bales of cash from the air early Thursday morning, and began trucking in funding to Republicans in the growing number of back offices that have been cleared of Democrats.
Reports of a growing storm about to hit the nation’s capital have left lobbyists and special interest groups scrambling to provide for their herds. There is no estimate yet on how many careers may die in Washington. “We think there are probably 30,000 out there at risk, that we’re having to make sure that we feed.” Stated Republican Party Chairman Ken Mehlman, a longtime Washington rancher whose business will likely not survive the coming storm.
Republicans were already spread too thickly across the region, taking advantage of excessive funding and cash prior to a drought which seemed to set in around early November. With the growing storm predicted to begin sometime early today and lasting over 100 hours or more, some Washington forecasters are predicting an unprecedented disaster.
K-Streeters rode with pilots to spot Republicans in need. One cash drop left drifts as high as 10 feet yesterday and crews had to use a front-end loader to scoop out the cash that had proven too much for the stranded Republican.
“We can understand peoples frustrations that we may not have been able to reach their representatives yet,” Mehlman stated. “we are working diligently to reach as many Republicans as we can.”
Crews dropping cash bales from military helicopters and a C-130 cargo plane are mostly seeing focus groups of 5 or 10 rather than 30 or more, Mehlman said. “They have to be careful to drop the cash close enough to the representatives so that they don’t have to venture too far out into the light of day and also try not to scare them.”
One Texas-based multinational oil conglomerate stated that he had lost 300 head out of about 450 herd that he’d previously maintained. While continued tax cuts would help to maintain his company’s solvency, he feared insurance would not cover his losses which he estimated at over $450 billion.
US Representative John Boehner (R -OH) a beneficiary of the airdrop was working on legislation to be introduced in the midst of today’s anticipated storm, to have the entire capital declared as a disaster area and open for further relief funding.
