Narrator: …. Once Upon a time there was a little boy whose parents and friends always called him “Silly”. Silly always lived under the shadow of his father, Papa Wanker, a very conservative politician who always preferred to do things from behind the scenes. But Little Silly Wanker always wanted sweet, decisive victories… despite the objections of his father, he became a world renouned war profiteer and opened a Victory Factory… and one day he came to realize that he would have to mount a surge to keep the Victory Factory in business… So he hatched a scheme to release five Golden Tickets to decide who would inherit the factory… this is the story…
Songs from
Silly Wanker and the Victory Factor
Opening Sock Puppets:
Silly Wanker, Silly Wanker…
The grazing War Profiteer.
Silly Wanker, Silly Wanker…
Everybody give him fear!
Immodest, schemer, not so smart,
He rarely can restrain it.
With so much ingenuosity,
There is no way to contain it…
To contain it…to contain…to contain…to contain.
Silly Wanker, Silly Wanker…
He’s the one that you’re about to meet.
Silly Wanker, Silly Wanker…
He’s a moron who can’t admit defeat.
The mortician of the Victory biz…
The worst lame duck who ever lived.
Silly Wanker here he is!
Gooper Troopers:
Disgustus Veep! Disgustus Veep!
The shotgun wielding Freeper Creep!
Disgustus Veep!
So big and vile
The sneering, foul mouthed crocodile.
‘Come on!’ he cried, “Let’s stop this plight,
Of insurgents looting oil pipe! “
But don’t, dear children, don’t be charmed;
Disgustus Veep can’t be alarmed,
Disgustus Veep won’t be disarmed.
This Iraqi course, he’ll stay won’t quit
He won’t be altered nary a bit.
Oily deals go round and round,
This hog will bring more boots to ground;
Tinfoil for us and many more,
Until we’re absolutely pure
Then out it comes! By God embraced!
No Tragedy, no saving face!
A Victory has taken place!
This greedy brute, espousing fear,
Is loathed by people everywhere!
Could crimes of hate now beat the judge
Against this oily bit of sludge?
Gooper Troopers:
Listen close, listen hard, to the sale of Hillary Olderguard.
The centrist girl she sees no wrong…
Pooh-poohing, pooh-poohing, pooh-poohing, pooh-poohing, pooh-poohing, pooh-poohing all day long.
Pooh-poohing, pooh-poohing all day long.
Pooh-poohing, pooh-poohing all day long.
Pooh-poohing, pooh-poohing all day long.
She goes on pooh-poohing till at last, her pooh-poohing rhetoric knows no fast.
And on the face her giant sins, just begets more violence…
For years and years she pooh-poohs away, her views get wronger every day.
And with one tremendous last pooh-pooh… she smites her own career in two.
And that is why they try so hard, to save Miss Hillary Olderguard.
Gooper Troopers:
Veruca Rice, she’s hardly cute,
State Secretary not astute
And she will bleat as she defends
A rather frightening set of trends
A rather frightening set of trends
A rather frightening set of trends
A new head, from intelligence, cut
This morning kicks her in the butt.
She’s cloistered with her cloistered views,
Mistakes she’s made will hit the news,
Many things that she will never tell,
Contribute to Iraqis’ Hell.
Iraqis’ Hell
These are Rice’s new found sins
That we will greet as she descends,
These are Rice’s new found sins
Just who embroiled her?
Who’s she heed?
She panders to their every needs.
Who turned her on to loving rats?
Who are the culprits? Who did that?
The guilty ones who made this flub?
Dear Old Fox and Loving Dub!
Gooper Troopers:
With his primary overturned,
The most important thing Joe Indee’s learned,
As far as voters are concerned,
Is NEVER, NEVER let
Them near the Goddamned internet
You better shill, you just stonewall
The idiots around the mall.
Aaah Aaah
Never Never Let Them
Aaah Aaah
Never near the internets
AaaAaah AaaAaah
Ooooooo Oooo
Never Never Let Them
Never near the internets
It makes no sense this “surge” of dread!
It keeps war machinations fed!
He blogs and sputters in a bind!
To make sure that he stays aligned!
So dumb! resigned to dumb! Entwined!
He ever stronger stays the plan
A scary trail! Contrary plan!
Contrary plan! Contrary plan!
His brain now hums with this disease!
He’s linking powers just to please!
He’s like the sword of Damocles!
Of Damocles
Of Damocles
Regarding little Joe Indee,
They cannot much respect that he
Respect that he
Will simply have to wait and see
He’ll wait and see
They cannot much respect that he
Will simply have to wait and see
No, they can’t let him from their sight.
‘Cause if they do,
He’ll serve the right.
Memorable Quotes from
Silly Wanker and the Victory Factory
Narrator: This is a story of an ordinary little senator named Johnny Ducat. He was not smarter, or stronger, or more popular than other senators. His campaign was just rich and powerful and well-connected; in fact, everyone else barely had enough to eat. Johnny Ducat was the luckiest senator in the entire world. He just didn’t know it yet.
…
Joe Indee: Who wants a kiss?
Silly Wanker: Well, Freepers for one, country music singers and nascar drivers. Y’know. All those hip, jazzy, super cool, neat, keen, and groovy cats. It’s in the fridge, Jefferson! Are you hip to the bribe? Can you use what I’m payin’ out? I knew that you could. Slide me some dead presidents, soul brother!
…
Shopkeeper: You found Wanker’s last golden “get out of jail free” card!
…
Silly Wanker: And in that moment I realized; “I must mount a… surge/Serge”.
…
Silly Wanker: [Getting his shoes shined by Johnny, with an upside down paper in his face] Pity about that war profiteer- Dub… um… Dubulya…
Johnny Ducat: Silly Wanker.
Silly Wanker: Yeah, him. Says here that his stories aren’t selling. But I guess he’s just a rotten egg that deserves it.
Johnny Ducat: Yep.
Silly Wanker: Oh, ever kissed him?
Johnny Ducat: I did once. He seemed great at first, but then he didn’t turn out so nice. And he has funny ears…
Silly Wanker: [Throws paper down] I do not!
Johnny Ducat: Why are you here?
Silly Wanker: My polls don’t look so hot. What makes you seem better when your polls are bad?
Johnny Ducat: Family values.
[Wanker groans]
Johnny Ducat: What have you got against family values?
Silly Wanker: It not just family values, it’s the whole idea of o…o…oversight… You know, they’re always telling you what to do, what not to do. It’s not conducive to an executive atmosphere.
Johnny Ducat: Most of the time they’re just trying to protect their own….
[Wanker looks away]
Johnny Ducat: If you don’t believe me, you should ask.
Silly Wanker: Ask who, my father? Yeah, F— you.
[pause]
Silly Wanker: At least not alone…
Johnny Ducat: Would you like me to go with you?
Silly Wanker: No! What a stupid idea! I’m not going! I’m just going to get a “bipartisan study group” together and sort of drown him out…
[stands up]
Silly Wanker: And I’ve brought transporta-
[crashes into Great Glass Elevator] … I really need to throw more rocks…
…
Hillary Olderguard: Are they real people?
Silly Wanker: Of course they’re real people. They’re Gooper Troopers.
Mr. Rice: Gooper Troopers?
Silly Wanker: Domestic. Straight from Red State Land.
Mr. Indee: There’s no such place.
Silly Wanker: What?
Mr. Indee: Mr Wanker, I teach high school civics, and I’m here to tell you…
Silly Wanker: Well, then, you’ll know all about it and oh what a wonderful country it is.
…
Silly Wanker: You’re all quite smart, aren’t you?
Hillary Olderguard: Well yeah, we’re senators.
Silly Wanker: Well that’s no big deal. I was never as smart as you
Joey Indee: You were once.
Silly Wanker: Was not. Know why? Because I distinctly remember eating paint chips off the top of my head. Look at your short little ears. You could never impeach.
…
Hillary Olderguard: [after stretching an argument into a logical pretzel shape] Look honey, I’m much more flexible now.
Mr. Olderguard: [disapprovingly] Yes, but you’re turning red.
…
Silly Wanker: I sure hope the lot of them get left behind.
Mr. Indee: What do you mean?
Silly Wanker: Well, sometimes only half of the little souls find their way through to heaven after the rapture… If you had to choose which half for your son, which one would it be?
Mr. Indee: What kind of a question is that?
Silly Wanker: No need to snap, just a question…. But you might want to hurry it up… just sayin’…
…
Mr. Rice: Are you using the Halliburton 4000 to do your rebuilding?
Silly Wanker: Yep.
[laughs]
Silly Wanker: I’m really wired.
…
Joey Indee: You really don’t understand anything about politics do you? First off, There’s no difference between dems and repubs! DUH! Second, the amount of force it would take to convert mass hysteria into energy would be on the scale of one good 9/11.
…
Joey Indee: Why is everything here completely pointless?
Johnny Ducat: Silly Wanker doesn’t have to have a point. That’s why he runs a Victory Factory.
…
Silly Wanker: See children? Everything in this room is eatable. Even I’m eatable! But that my dear children is called communion, and that is frowned upon in most religions before I’m dead…
…
Silly Wanker: This is the sock puppet hospital and propaganda center. It’s relatively well paid for.
…
Mrs. Veep: Where does that pipe go?
Silly Wanker: That pipe happens to go to the room where I make up the most delicious kind of smarmy sugar-coated domestic agendas.
Mrs. Veep: Then he will be used in a smarmy sugar-coated domestic agenda? He’ll be selling himself all over America?
Silly Wanker: No, I wouldn’t allow it. It would be in terrible taste. Can you imagine Disgustus-endorsed sugar-coated Social Security or Health Care? Ew. No one would believe it.
…
Silly Wanker: Grumbler!
…
Grandpa Rummy: Mr. Wanker, I don’t know if you remember me, but I used to work here in the factory.
Silly Wankaer: Were you one of those invaluable spies who everyday tried to leak my hard work and sell it to those parasitic cut and pasting main stream media cads?
Grandpa Rummy: Yes, sir.
Silly Wanker: Then wonderful, welcome back.
…
Silly Wanker: The waterboard is most important, it mixes the Victory with oil. It churns it up and makes it light and frothy and crude. By the way, no other factory in the world mixes its Victories by waterboard my dear senators, and you can take that to the world bank…
…
Silly Wanker: Try some of my special grass, please have a joint, please do, it’s undetectable and so darn good smelling.
…
Silly Wanker: Don’t touch that Wingnut’s nuts! It’ll make him crazy!
…
Silly Wanker: [coming upon a tiny door] An important room, this. It is a Victory Factory, after all.
Joey Indee: Then, why’s the door so small?
Silly Wanker: That’s to keep all the great big Truthiness inside.
…
Disgustus Veep: [offering the Oil can he had been sipping from to Johnny] Would you like some light sweet crude?
Johnny Ducat: Sure!
Disgustus Veep: [yanking the Oil can away] Then you should have bought some Halliburton.
…
Silly Wanker: Once again, you really shouldn’t grumble, ’cause it’s really starting to creep me out!
…
Narrator: In the end, Johnny Ducat inherited the Victory Factory. But Silly Wanker had something even better… a pardon. Then he moved with his new found family/oversight to Paraguay and opened up another Victory Factory. And one thing was absolutely certain – lite sweet crude had never been more expensive….