Poxuponye Dick standing outside of his secret undisclosed bunker

White Sulfur Springs, WV (APE) – February 2nd, it’s that time of year again… it’s Chicken Hawk Day! Every year the sleepy little resort called the Greenbrier is flooded with reporters to a secret undisclosed location. Amidst much celebration and ceremony, America’s official Chicken Hawk is awakened from his deep sleep and dragged from his secure bunker to see if he will be able to see his shadow.

Tradition maintains that if the Chicken Hawk is unable to see his shadow and react in fear, America will be treated to a rapid and early peace. If the Chicken Hawk instead, sees his shadow, America will face another year of warfare and bloodshed.
At approximately 4 a.m. Eastern Standard Time America’s official Chicken Hawk, Poxuponye Dick was awakened, dressed, and coaxed from the bowels of his bunker into the black of the predawn night. Many have felt in the last two years that officials have pushed back the hour for the ceremony repeatedly in an effort to put an end to the suffering of America. Reporters and photographers this year were forbidden from using spotlights or flashes.

At approximately 4:15 a.m., after allowing his eyes to adjust to the darkness, Poxuponye Dick sneered, and declared that he could make out his shadow on the ground in the light of the setting, nearly full moon, and shuffled back into his bunker without further comment.

All across Iraq and Afghanistan, a familiar and pervasive sense of déjà vu settled in as more civilians and American servicemen were killed needlessly in mindless acts of violence. America braced itself for yet another cold, hard year of insanity as the president, for the sixth time, increased the number of servicemen headed into harms way in the Middle East.

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