Well, this letter by Kim Gandy, President of NOW, was like a kick in the gut. Yes, I know that NOW is an advocacy group for women, and yes I know that my personal history leaves me with a definite point of view, but this is seriously wrong.
Apparently, several decades ago, child psychiatrist, Richard Gardner thought up a theory called Parental Alienation Syndrome. This “syndrome” has not been accepted by the American Psychological Association, the American Psychiatric Association, or the American Medical Association, but it is increasingly being accepted – and now taught – by Family Courts throughout the country.
Let’s start with the basics: who is Richard A. Gardner and what is Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS)?
The late Dr. Gardner (he committed suicide in 2003) was an unpaid volunteer at Columbia University’s College of Physicians and Surgeons. He was a prolific author and lecturer who espoused some rather regressive ideas.
Regarding rape victims, Gardner said that they “gain pleasure from being beaten, bound, and otherwise made to suffer” as “the price they are willing to pay for gaining the gratification of receiving the sperm.” Victims of child abuse? “May very well have enjoyed the experience.” And Incest? Not harmful, according to Gardner, only “thinking makes it so”? Gardner also asserted that adult-child sex is normal AND beneficial for both parties as well as for the survival of the human race.
If you haven’t run screaming from the room we’ll move on to PAS.
PAS posits that if a parent (usually the woman) or the children allege abuse against the other parent (usually the man) during a custody hearing, it is evidence that the protective parent is “brainwashing” the children. If the child is angry, or frightened, or refuses to go with the accused abuser, it is even further proof that they have been brainwashed.
It would be unreasonable to deny that this type of behavior has ever been used in custody hearings. The problem is that courts are now suspect of all allegations of abuse and usually don’t fully investigate the charges. Moreover, according to a recent Newsweek article, 54 percent of custody cases involving documented spousal abuse were decided in favor of the alleged batterers. Parental alienation was used as an argument in nearly every case.
The Family Courts often lack the time or the expertise to handle abuse complaints competently. Judges are often more sympathetic to abusers because they appear more reasonable, often willing to share custody, while the protective parent is adamant that children not be further endangered by contact with the abuser. Women are also caught in a double bind by societal expectations. If they are emotional in court, they are labeled as hysterical. If they are stoic, they are branded as cold-hearted.
Appallingly, not only do abusers often gain custody of the children, but by painting the protective parent as destructive and manipulative, the court often orders that all contact with the “brainwashing” parent stop. No letters. No phone calls. No visits.
A group of survivors of abuse by both their parent and the courts has founded an organization called Courageous Kids Network. Their statement is heartbreaking, especially regarding younger siblings who are still trapped in the hell they were consigned to by the court.
Although there is growing outrage over the effects of PAS on kids, several states have decided to actively promote the theory. Per the NOW newsletter:
And believe it or not, it seems that nine state governors have jumped on Gardner’s pro-pedophilia bandwagon. In Florida, Indiana, Connecticut, Kentucky, Nebraska, Iowa, Maine, and Nevada, there is now reportedly a whole day officially dedicated to raising “awareness” about Gardner’s theory called Parental Alienation Syndrome, in which the very reports of abuse by a child against a father are themselves evidence that the child is being brainwashed by the mother (and if the child is angry at the father, or doesn’t want to visit, that’s even more evidence) and the only “cure” for this syndrome is to force the child to live with the abuser and deny ANY contact with the protective mother, who has no history of abuse.
If you live in any of these states, please take action. Contact the governors whose states are sponsoring proclaimed “Parental Alienation Awareness” days. Ask them to stop this travesty. Contact the media and ask them to investigate.
No matter how acrimonious things may get between parents, we must all act to protect the children.
For a lengthy, and award-winning, article on this subject, I recommend Custodians of Abuse by Kristen Lombardi.
that is just bizarre. How did the guy get to be influential?
How did he get to be so influential? Clearly he was prolific in his writings and he must have been great at self-promotion.
Attorneys with the Father’s Rights Movement, glommed onto his ideas and used them quite successfully. (And yes, I think that responsible fathers are just as entitled to custody of their kids – joint or sole depending on the circumstances — as responsible mothers are.) Courts are too busy. Often abuse was never reported to the police, so there is no paper trail. Several articles I read also noted that judges seem to find the idea of a vengeful mother easier to accept than the idea of a father abusing his own kids.
When I was faced with issue, Gardner’s theory was just starting to surface. Fortunately I did not have to contend with it. Things were bad enough as it was. At one point Child Protective Services threatened to throw me in jail if I let my daughter have contact with her father while at the same time the GAL was threatening to throw me in jail if I denied visitation.
After a psychiatric evaluation provided video of my ex-husband (who knew he was being taped) engaging in sexually inappropriate behavior with my daughter, the GAL did not want to take action. She explained that he just didn’t know any better and after she told him it was wrong she was sure it would stop. It was a nightmare few years. Fortunately, for me and my daughter, he got remarried and had stepkids, so he just gave up his attempts to see our daughter. I shudder to think about what his next wife and kids had to contend with.
I’d be thrilled to have a case where two parents both wanted custody of the kids. In each of my cases no one wants them and we have to try to find the least bad option for them.
That it is really sad. How devastating for the kids in the short run and long term.
I was hoping someone here had more professional insight on the issue.
Have you ever run across this PAS in your work or been trained on it through the courts?
I don’t deal with regular old divorce and custody cases – my kids have all been abused or neglected and taken away from their homes and we’re usually left sorting through a lot of police and old court files, drug reports, lies, excuses…
Alot of my admittedly short training (I volunteer)was spent on signs and short and long term implications of sexual abuse, but there was some mention of false accusations to try to sway a case either way. I just haven’t encountered any yet. A lot of what a GAL does is investigating independent of the lawyers, doctors and police…but part of it is intuition and trusting your gut. Of paramount importance is what the child says and wants, tempered, of course, by if what he wants is in his best interest. Often in my cases they just want to go back home and can’t because it’s dangerous.
I’ve heard of ‘parental alienation’ without the ‘syndrome’ attached in divorce cases where one parent tries to alienate the child from the other parent…think Alec Baldwin. I do think that’s very common, sadly.
What an amazing way to spend your volunteer time! Good for you. Really. Thank you.
There seems to be a serious disconnect in people’s minds (especially in the minds of white men who tend to be the majority of judges…) that cannot accept that a man who appears in court, neatly dressed, well-spoken, has a good job, status in the community, and may be a faithful church-goer, and of course, claims that he truly loves his kids… can be an abuser. There seems to be this mental image that an abuser, especially a sexual abuser, as this unshaven, unemployed, uneducated, utterly unrespectable guy with no other facets to his personality. How can someone so much like THEM be guilty of such a horrible, unthinkable act?
It’s so much easier and more personally comfortable for them to believe he is exactly what he says he is… and that his ex-wife is being spiteful and trying to smear him, etc. (and of course, no one ever takes kids’ feelings seriously….).
And some of this mental disconnect is in the abuser’s mind too — because they don’t tend to see themselves as doing anything wrong, either, so of course, they tend to project the injured air of the falsely-accused.
Short of somehow getting more thorough investigations done by social workers and psychologists working for the family courts (for which the funding doesn’t exist)… I wish I knew an answer. There needs to be some kind of unbiased, neutral investigation by trained, reputable individuals, otherwise you end up with a he-said, she-said conflicting testimony… without any real way of telling how much is truth and how much is self-delusional projection.
It shows how effed up our priorities are that the agencies charged with protecting child welfare do not have the resources to do the job. It shows how effed our values are when uncomfortable assumptions are left unchallenged.
And how many of “THEM” are abusers themselves? Esp. if you go with the 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men statistics are victims of childhood sexual abuse.
Good point.
I hadn’t heard of PAS – so thanks for this information Kahli. But I spent years doing family therapy and this sentence certainly rings true to me:
Judges are often more sympathetic to abusers because they appear more reasonable, often willing to share custody, while the protective parent is adamant that children not be further endangered by contact with the abuser.
I remember in the last few years of practice I began noticing that in many family situations (whether there was abuse or not) a cycle got going where the wife experienced her husband as emotionally distant and responded by becoming more emotinal. The more emotional the wife became, the more distant the husband would become and vice versa. Then, when they came into therapy, the wife would be seen as “hystical” and the husband would be seen as “reasonable.” Whether conscious or not – the therapist would join with the husband in trying to find a way to get this “hysterical” woman to be more reasonable.
After seeing this type of response in therapy, I can certainly see how it would play out in a court room!!
Thanks for the input, NL. So many of our dysfunctions seem to be circular in nature.
Here in a certain New York state county a little north of New York City where I work in Family Court, the judges are very liberal about providing orders of protection based soley on the testimony of the abused spouse. Usually included are the subject children. This post actually surprises me. Here, judges would uniformly prefer to err on the side of caution.
With respect to investigation of PAS-type allegations, it would be the role of DSS (if involved) or the Law Guardian, the lawyer representing the interests of the children. Family court can also direct professional evaluation of the parties and/or subject children. Family court would never actually embark on its own investigation, nor would it be expected to. Other agencies perform that function.
Thanks. I’m glad you and Second Nature can add your professional experiences to this discussion. I’m also glad to hear that New York State is protecting the kids.
I understand your point that Family Courts can’t/don’t do the investigations, but are they in a position to require them?
If it is brought to the attention of the Family court (in a petition of some kind), appropriate action would have to be taken. Either that, or a judge would have to render a decision setting forth reasons for taking no action. Of course, such a decision could be the subject of appeal.
Thank you that’s good to know. Your work must be very challenging, fullfilling and, perhaps at times, heartbreaking.
I’m glad to know that BTers whom I respect a lot are working in the field of helping/healing families. I guess it should come as no surprise.
Thanks. Just to put a little more light on this, NYS has a “hotline” for abuses, a central registry that operates 24/7. Reporting individuals call an 800 number and the allegations are sent immediately to the DSS in the relevant county to begin an investigation. If the allegations are “founded”, services would attempt to be provided to the family. Refusal and/or effective cooperation with these services often results in a Family court proceeding, based upon the failure to address the original allegations. I have prosecuted such cases.
I have a lot of fantasies about what I would do if I won a shit load of money (1 mil plus) and one favorite is opening a commune of sorts where parents and their children could completely “disappear” from abusive relationships. Not just a safe house, but a safe sanctuary. Sometimes, the court cannot believe real abuse and sometimes, a parent will have to run. I would help a a parent who had to run rather than put the child in a dangerous situation.
I’m going to cross my fingers that you come into a lot of money!