The Unofficial Official Rules of Surgeball
The Unofficial Official Rules of Surgeball
1.1 Do not talk about Surgeball.
1.2 You do not talk about Surgeball, there is no debate.
1.3 If someone says “stop” they’re limp and liberal, Surgeball’s not over.
1.4 Only 12 factions to Surgeball at a time.
1.5 Surgeball will go on until the decider says it is over.
1.6 If this is your first Surgeball, and you have money or you’re a Republican, you don’t have to play.
1.7 All players must wear Surgeball armor and masks. No one questions the armor.
*IMPORTANT — the following rules are subject to be changed, amended, deleted, or ignored if the decider is involved.
2.1 The decider may declare a new rule at any point in Surgeball. The decider may do this audibly or clandestinely, depending upon what zone his opponents are in.
2.2 The decider may use the Surgeball in any way the decider sees fit, whether it be to incur injury upon other players, or to deny benefits for the players.
2.3 Any penalty legislation may be in the form of rendition, slander, or any degradation the decider wishes to execute upon the other player.
2.4 The Surgeball field should consist of tiny areas or zones which are governed by a set of rulers decided upon by the decider. Zones may appear, shrink, and disappear as often and whenever the decider decides. For example a green zone would enable the decider to subcontract any services. Or a pernicious car bomb place would require the decider to deny what the name implies. Or an opposite zone would enable the decider to declare reverse casualties and blame them on the others.
2.5 Swag shall be stolen by players whom the decider has also assigned the power and rules which shall govern that swag.
2.6 Spins are an integral part of Surgeball, and talking points must be broadcast spontaneously throughout the game when constantly denied screw ups occur.
2.7 Score, if kept, may be fudged or disregarded. In the event that score is kept, it shall have no bearing on Surgeball nor shall it have any legal consequences.
Any rule above that is carried out during the course of Surgeball may be recycled repeatedly, in the event that it causes the same result as the previous game. Surgeball must always be played out the same way.
Surgeball Equipment
3.1 Mask-All participants are required to mask their true objectives
3.2 Surgeball – A Surgeball may be made of yellowcake uranium, or oil fields, hardened military bases, or any other unreasonable goal.
3.3 Surgeball Field- The Surgeball field should be any small to moderate sized, poorly defended country, preferably with desert, rocks, sand, oil, and other natural resources.
3.4 Miscellaneous- Other optional equipment includes swag, benchmarks, helicopters, tanks, Humvees, mosques, phosphor, landmines, IED’s, and anything else the decider wishes to include.
Apologies to one of my favorite cartoonists, Bill Watterson.
