Hard to believe, I know, but Straight Shooter McCain still hasn’t convinced some Republicans of his conservative bona fides, despite the fact that he has promised to stay the course in Iraq for 100 years if necessary, appoint only “strict constructionist” (i.e., wingnut) judges to the federal bench, keep the Bush tax cuts for the rich (and likely try to add more), and received the personal blessing of John Hagee, fundamentalist Rapture ready preacher supreme. For some reason a number of these nitpicking “Common Sense Conservatives” (as they call themselves) want more. Specifically they want him to publicly affirm these Conservative Truths before they will declare their willingness to support his candidacy:

We ask you to please encourage us to work FOR your election by letting your actions convince us we can trust you on the issues important to “Common Sense Conservatives.” To that end we have drafted the following Eight “Common Sense Conservative Assurances” – eight opportunities for you to demonstrate you hear and understand our concerns and are willing to govern more from a position of conservative principle than a particular personal ideology. If you are unwilling to demonstrate such assurance in the middle of an election to secure and consolidate your hard working base, we would be naive to believe you would somehow do so if elected President. Thus we stand on these issues and ask for your assurance on:

1. Life Assurance: Pledge to support and sign a Human Life Amendment that protects all human life.

2. Judicial Assurance: Pledge as President that you would re-nominate the conservative judges your actions sacrificed.

3. Taxes Assurance: Words are not enough, SIGN the No New Taxes pledge now.

4. Immigration Assurance: Pledge to close and secure the border and to enforce immigration law.

5. Free Speech Assurance: Support legislative changes to McCain-Feingold to protect citizens’ free speech, political associations, and activities.

6. Marriage Assurance: We ask for your pledge to support a Federal Marriage Amendment.

7. Security, Energy and Environment Assurance: Pledge first to open ANWAR to energy exploration and build more refineries in a way that shows proper respect for our environment, and then promise to veto any attempts by Congress to cap CO2 or bind us to international law.

8. Respect for Conservatives Assurance: Pledge to dignify the Reagan legacy by respecting ALL conservatives and should you become the Republican nominee publicly offer to make Governor Mike Huckabee your running mate.

Yeah, it’s Huckabee for Veep or else, Senator. And no more supporting the gay agenda, that global warming nonsense, or allowing those dirty Mexicans illegal aliens to pollute our precious bodily fluids with their presence on our sacred soil.

Don’t worry dear Common Sensers, I’m sure Straight Shooter will cave in to your demands and give you what you want. After all, it’s what he’s been doing for corporate lobbyists for years. What’s a little more pandering gonna hurt a man who has been a panderer for his entire political career? But be honest. You’d like him a lot better if he wasn’t so friendly with all those liberal media types that are trying to destroy our country from within, isn’t that right. I bet if he’d just take a swing at Timmy Russert on Meet the Press for asking one too many stupid questions, or slap Katy Couric upside the head one day during an interview for copping an attitude against Republicans, you’d be cheering your lungs out for him. Just admit it. You don’t hate McCain because he’s not conservative enough, you hate him because he gets good press from CNN and MsNBC.

You also hate him because he does stuff like repudiating the comments of a true “red meat” conservative talk show host who had the guts to utter Barack Obama’s “evil jihadist” middle name out loud, and because in Straight Shooter’s apology to the media he stated that he “respects” both Senators Clinton and Obama and considers them “honorable Americans.” That’s your real beef with Straight Shooter. You’re afraid he won’t be as nasty, divisive, bigoted and racist as you’ve come to expect from your Republican standard bearers.

Don’t worry though, I’m sure he’ll come around. Besides attacking the integrity and patriotism of Democrats is what campaign surrogates, vice presidential running mates and 527 groups are for. You have heard of plausible deniability, haven’t you?