This is my 67th Fourth of July and this is a Eulogy.
I need to lay to final rest, once and for all, the last tattered shreds of my love for and blind faith in this land of mine.
To lose a long beloved one, is very hard. Even harder, is having to admit that that long beloved one never truly existed in the first place.
As if only yesterday, the memories of being literally filled to overflowing with a such deep and abiding love of America I could hardly contain it are still fresh for me.
Every soldier I saw on the street was a part of my very own child’s heart: I loved them all so much, I embarrassed my mother terribly by inviting every soldier I met home for dinner. I had to do “something” for them at age six..anything..to show them how much I loved them all.
I remember that I cried off and on all day on the 4th of July, as I watched the Parade, hearing the Parade Drums, seeing the crisp formations of soldiers pass by, simply overwhelmed with pride and yearning to be a part of them someday. I’d find a way, even if I was “just a girl”.
Memorial Day and the Fourth of July were the most important days in the year to me, much more special than Christmas. The whole world stopped back then, to honor these days of gratitude for those who sacrificed their lives for our beloved America, and to celebrate her with all we had, on Independence Day.
Some of those memories are permanently etched in my brain.
Memorial Day at Evergreen Cemetery, the whole town present, the crisply uniformed ranks, the solemn boom of the 21 gun salute, the planes flying over in missing man formation…and oh, all of the flags proudly flying against the verdant green, on the graves of all those who sacrificed their lives for us….
Then came the 4th of July. Independence Day. Time to truly celebrate the birth of this Great Nation: the Home of the Free and the Brave. I am feeling frustrated as I write, because I sense there are no words I could use, to bring anyone back there with me who has never once experienced this kind of Patriotism, the kind that seemed programmed into ones very DNA.
Another memory is also etched permanently and so vivid it can still bring tears. Standing at full attention, saluting, as the crisp, perfect formations of Soldiers marched by, my own heartbeat in total synch with the Parade Drums. Every cell of my six year old body yearning to be a part of this, filled with determination to BE a part of it, someday, even if I was “just a girl”.
So odd it seems, that memories like that not only refuse to die, but refuse to even fade, after all these long hard years of discovering that nearly all of it was a bald face lie.
This discovery took forever..and was, in a word, simply excruciating, every damned bit of it. It was like getting my heart torn out of my body, one small bloody bit at a time. (Except during Viet Nam, when half of it got butchered and buried along side my brother in a very short time)
And it has meant giving up the very foundations my life was built on. The love of a land where I “belonged” to something so vast, so grand, something that would always be there for me, take care of me, something so good, … to spend the rest of my life without that foundation at ALL. I am now a “person without a country” because the country I thought I belonged to simply never existed
“My Country ‘Tis of Thee..” I sang out so proudly, for so long, along with everyone else..”Sweet Land Of Liberty…of Thee I Sing!”
There is, I don’t think, any safer more wonderful feeling a human can ever have, than to feel THAT much belonging; THAT much love for ones country.
So when I run into older right wing patriotic types now, the ones who WILL NOT SEE…and WILL NOT CHANGE, yes, I understand them. To expect them to change, is to expect them to willing cut out their own hearts. Not all of us can do that and still survive, or are willing to even try. Then factor in the effects of right wing fundamentalist religion, ..and it’s easy to see why maintaining the status quo is their life’s work.
I don’t believe most of todays (ah hem) “leaders” who have systematically torn down even the illusion of what America was and is, are old “cellular level” Patriots like this.
I think most of THEM are greedy, power mad, souless, sociopathic BASTARDS who are smart enough to have learned how to exploit and harness up all us old patriots, and exploit the hell out of us for personal power and gain.
And until “WE” ALL DIE OFF…(everyone who was raised with that almost cellular level of patriotic programming, about the history of this country, and those so well programmed by war-like religious fundamentalism,) and are replaced by enough of you, who were born into lifetimes where you had a damned chance to form your own beliefs..not a hell of a lot is going to go in any direction other than the one we’re heading in right now, big picture. That’s just how it looks to me from here.
So now must say my final good by to that America I once believed was my very own Heart-Land. It was but an beautiful illusion, inserted into my soul.
I can no longer sing “My County, ‘Tis of thee, Sweet Land of Liberty, of Thee I Sing!”
But I can still sing, in a softer, sadder voice,
“My Country, Yet To Be…Sweet Land Of liberty…of Thee I Sing..”
And I am singing it, to all of you.
Take her. She’s yours now, such as she is.
Don’t hate us too much please.
Most of us did the best we could, with what we believed was true.
Remember that America, as she could be, and as I believe she is intended to be, is still in the womb gestating. She has not yet truly been “born” yet: the labor is long and it is hard, and it is going to take all of you to get this baby delivered.
It won’t be an easy birthing and I don’t think it can be done with old methods and systems long in place, either. Those belong to an era that is passing by. If every there was a time for innovation, for blazing new pathways… it’s now.
Me, well, I’m fine now. Us humans are remarkable in how much we can adapt to “whatever is”, given time enough to get past all the phases of shock, denial, depression, bargaining and finally, to acceptance and peace.
I trust you. I can make my exit knowing you will do your part in this birthing process.
(Not perfectly, however. You will bumble and stumble and get lost and try to kill each other off..just as we did!)
I still can hear the fetal heartbeat of this land yet to be born and I believe she is still viable.
And somehow, I just know I will get to see it, wherever the hell I end up..even if only as dust on the wind.. 🙂
Dear Scribe, I’m so glad I decided to take a look around the pond today.
It is wonderful to hear your voice again, though I don’t agree with you.
Nothing is dying yet – jingoism should be on the decline, but greed and tyranny will always be our battle.
I don’t think that being disappointed in a loved one signals a necessary end to that love. I know you’ll always be a fighter from now on, helping those youngsters create that country you believe in.
A wise man once said “Don’t let the bastards get you down.”
Hey Alice! Good to see you too. 🙂
The only thing that died is the Illusion, and it needed to, Alice. Illusions blind us, and I was blind for far too long. I can see better now, not only what America is not (and really never has been, yet), but the very real possibility that once the structures that are corrupted crumble and/or are demolished, those coming up next will be able to find some way to do it all differently. I can love knowing that and yes, I love doing whatever small thing I can, to strengthen those whose turn comes next!
You and me, Scribe. We have that same 67 year view of it. It has only been recently that the tears and misty eyes the Star Spangled Banner always brought have stopped.
I am sure the young’uns starting at our jumping off place will do a fabulous job of it. Reading the 1970 book Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee started me off on the deeply painful loss of love for my country. There has been plenty since then to move me along the way to great and bitter disappointment.
I feel really hopeful now and very pleased to hand off my participation in this country to the “kids” who will do amazing things and help to birth the dream.
Great diary as always
Hugs
Shirl
I am a decade younger but feel much the same as you and Shilstars do. Bush has just absolutely done me in. Does each generation go through this? Did the Watergate generation feel this way? Did the Kennedy assasination generation feel this way?
You two are much more hopeful than I am. I want to be, I am hoping Obama can be the start of a rebirth but am unwilling to pin all my hopes on him. Maybe, with the help of a new generation of Americans we will see a sea of change.
I don’t think I would ever pin my hopes on one person or one administration to solve our ills. My hope is in the generations of those that are “newer” to this than I am. You all are starting out at the place it took us a lifetime to evolve to. That in itself is very hopeful.
I am really excited about the young ones, the 12 to 20 something year olds. I see such clarity and insights in them that it makes me believe more than ever that anything can be accomplished. The ones I am around from time to time are deeply thoughtful, very mature in their understanding of things and determined to find a way to make things better here. Awesome! They aren’t going to listen a lot to us geezers or those of their parents generations, they have an understanding of things that don’t require or ask for our approval. . .thank the Goddess! They are thinkers and actors.
We have, at least my generation, made a big enough mess here as it is. We need to support them but not expect that they are going to be much interested in our “advice.” That’s a good thing. That means they will see and devise NEW ways to deal with things.
I was 23 when Kennedy was killed. It crushed my heart. It took a long time to recover. Not just John…then there was MLK, jr and Bobby. . .it kept me from politics for a long time. I lost my faith in my country and my fellow citizens. Crushing to think we were no better than a 3rd world banana republic who killed leaders we didn’t like.
I’ve turned my keys to the planet over to the youngsters. . .they could not possibly do a worse job than my generation has.
Thanks for your comments
Hugs
Shirl
I just spent several hours talking with my 26 year old grand daughter. It gave me hope. It always does.
“Bush has just absolutely done me in.”
You’re certainly not alone in this one: the last 8 years have done lots of people in. My only comfort lies in this: sometimes a structure gets built that cannot possibly last because it was not built of solid enough materials, or because it is far too top heavy, whatever. So we prop it up as long as possible, not being ready yet to admit it simply cannot be fixed, and will have to be torn down, or allowed to fall down, so we can start over and do it better. Then comes along so called leaders like Bushco who only know how to stomp and kick and throw fits and wage wars and they manage to kick whatever is left of the foundation all to hell in no time at all.
NOW there’s no more ways to go on ignoring the need to build brand new structures out of brand new materials.
Is Obama one of those who be able to keep his feet while things fall the rest of the way down, and then stick around to help clear away the rubble and draw up new plans? I don’t know. I hope he’s one of them, and if he is, I hope there’s plenty others like him ready to step up..
Well said and exactly how I see it.
Hopefully Obama will do all that can be done and the next one will do more and the next one even more.
Absolutely onward!
Hugs
Shirl
is definitely a fixer-upper right now. We need to tear down all those walls full of termites and dry rot and build over. And the foundation needs shoring up, too.
It’s gonna take a whole village, isn’t it?
Happy 67th Independence Day Scribe. I will raise a glass today in toast that you get to see the country you envision while you are still animated matter, rather than dust in the wind.