No more whining from Americans by Phil "neutron" Gramm.

Everyone knows what a supporter of free enterprise I am.I like risks, especially if somebody else takes them.I believe that rewards come from taking risks.You take the risks and I will take the rewards.That is what I told my friend,Ken Lay, bless his heart.

When I asked my wife, that would be Wendy to you,to remove all impediments to trading energy as a commodity,little did I realize that Ken Lay would use that to make me a multimillionaire.Before I could thank him, he left his mortal soul to meet his kindred soul,Barbara Olsen, someplace in heaven or Aspen, Colorado.

Now my friend, John McCain, wants me to be his economic adviser.I told him, in confidence,of course, that we have a nation that encourages people to eat, live in homes and clothe themselves.They simply do not think of themselves as poor people.This is the only country where all the poor people are fat.If it was up to me ,I would force all fat and poor people to eat no more than 200 calories per day.That alone would save the nation billions.

As for the subprime mortgage crisis, I suggested to the UBS board of which I am Vice Chairman, thanks again to Ken Lay,that we impound all mcmansions,convert them into luxury condos and either rent or sell them to people in Abu Dhabi,Dubai,Qatar and other places.In place of retiring their mortgages, I would like to make the black people work for free for the Arab homeowners.How is that for a twist on slavery?And,if some of the blacks object, I would suggest to John that we send them over to the Middle East on long tours of duty.

As for the private numbered bank accounts in Lichtenstein, I categorically deny that the number 0221789 belongs to me.That is Wendy’s number.I don’t have access to it.

As for eliminating the deficits,both the budget andn trade deficits,I want to suggest that John eliminate publishing these numbers for the country as a whole.That is what a collectivist political system will do.Instead we should only talk about our private deficits and how best we can each correct that.If each one of us makes an effort to eliminate our personal deficits, there will be no federal or state deficit at all.I have done my part by getting myself a multimillion dollar deal at UBS,Wendy is doing her best to serve on many boards and we are both assisting Cindy in adding to the billions she will get when InBev buys out Anheuser Busch.I think a numbered bank account in Lichtenstein might be just what the doctor ordered for Cindy who knows a thing or two about potent drugs,know what I mean?

I simply can’t understand why there is so much whining when George Bush has given us so much opportunity to clean up in this economy.

What I like about this job is that even if I lose,I win.Can’t do better than that.