I’m still sicker than a dead dog, so in order not to be completely useless and a waste of valuable front page space, here’s my Wednesday news round-up of all the news that’s fit to . . . Sorry. Lost my train of thought. So, without further adieu:

Pirate News!

NAIROBI (Reuters) – Somali pirates seized a Danish-owned, U.S.-operated container ship on Wednesday with 21 American crew on board in the latest of a sharp rise in attacks off the Horn of Africa nation, a maritime group said.

Steven D’s take: Expect endless updates from cable news about everything they don’t know yet.

Japan doesn’t like the improvements it sees in North Korean missile technology.

TOKYO (Reuters) – North Korea’s “spectacular” rocket launch shows it has made progress in its missile capabilities, Japan said on Wednesday, as Tokyo urged a divided U.N. Security Council to deliver a strong rebuke to Pyongyang.

Steven D’s take: Expect the UN to do nothing.

AIG wants more bailout money. How is this news you ask? Because this time it’s an aircraft subsidiary holding the beggar’s hand out.

(Reuters) – American International Group Inc’s aircraft leasing unit is in talks over a $5 billion credit line from the New York Federal Reserve that could be used to facilitate its sale, the Financial Times reported on its website late on Tuesday.

Steven D’s take: I bet they get the money, don’t you?

Federal Reserve says the economy is bad grim (it’s news because they used the word “grim” I think).

TOKYO (Reuters) – The U.S. economy is grim, and the Federal Reserve is “duty bound to apply every tool” to clean up the financial system and clear a path for a return to sustainable growth, Richard Fisher, president of the Dallas Fed, said on Wednesday.

But he said monetary policy alone would not be enough to resuscitate the economy, adding fiscal stimulus was critical in providing a spark for U.S. growth.

Steven D’s take: Blah, blah, blah … I’m sorry, did you say something?

Life Insurance Companies can get bailouts too!

NEW YORK (Reuters) – The U.S. Treasury Department plans to extend the Troubled Asset Relief Program to certain life insurers, The Wall Street Journal reported on Tuesday, citing people familiar with the matter. […]

Several life insurers have applied, including Prudential Financial Inc, Hartford Financial Services Group Inc and Lincoln National Corp, the Journal reported.

Steven D’s take: FYI, here are the corporate ad slogans for each of these companies: Prudential: “Get a Piece of the Rock” and “Strength of Gibraltar.” Hartford: “Always Thinking Ahead.” Lincoln National: “Hello Future.” I like that last one the best.

GM does not get a bailout, so it prepares for that other B word.

NEW YORK/DETROIT (Reuters) – General Motors Corp is in “intense” and “earnest” preparations for a possible bankruptcy filing, a source familiar with the company’s plans told Reuters on Tuesday.

A plan to split the corporation into a “new” company made up of the most successful units, and an “old” one of its less-profitable units, is gaining momentum and is seen as the most sensible configuration, said another source familiar with the talks.

Steven D’s take: Seems to be the standard bankruptcy model these days: split the baby into the Good assets and the Bad assets. Does GM have any good assets?

Israeli settlers and Palestinians show each other the love, allegedly.

At least eight Palestinian have been injured in clashes near an Israeli settlement where a Palestinian killed a teenager with an axe last week.

Israel’s military said Palestinians began throwing stones as settlers marked a Jewish blessing on a hilltop.

Palestinians say the clashes broke out after armed Israeli settlers from Beit Ayin attacked homes in Beit Safa, a nearby Palestinian village.

Israeli forces say they fired live bullets at the legs of stone-throwers. […]

Doctors said one of the injured was hit in the neck with a live round.

The Israeli military said Palestinians had begun throwing stones at settlers from Bat Ayin in the southern West Bank, who had gone to a hilltop to say a special sun blessing prayer in an event which occurs once every 28 years.

Palestinian residents of Beit Safa said a group of settlers, some armed, had entered their village and begun throwing rocks at homes and damaging cars.

Steven D’s take: Who do you trust? Who do you trust?

Earthquakes are fun!

Italy’s prime minister, Silvio Berlusconi, is reported to have said the 17,000 people made homeless by Monday’s earthquake should think of themselves as being on a “camping weekend”.

Steven D’s take: Silvio Berlusconi and Barbara Bush are actually twins who were separated at birth.

Look Who’s Talking!

Tony Blair has questioned the Pope’s attitude towards homosexuality, arguing that religious leaders must start “rethinking” the issue.

Some older Catholics had “entrenched attitudes”, while most congregations were more “liberal-minded”, he added.

Steven D’s take: Dear Tony, I don’t think the LGBT community wants you to be their spokesperson. Seriously, just STFU.

What do you know? Another gun shooting in the US of A.

TEMECULA, Calif. (AP) — A gunman opened fire at a Korean Christian retreat Tuesday in Riverside County, killing one and wounding three others, authorities said.

The gunman was believed to be among the injured at the Kkottongnae Retreat Camp, and investigators were unsure what prompted the attack, sheriff’s spokesman Dennis Gutierrez said.

“We have some nuns that are very distraught,” Gutierrez said.

Steven D’s take: My Predicted Wingnut Response: If only those nuns had been allowed to carry concealed handguns under California law this terrible tragedy could have been avoided.

Senator John Cornyn speaks about the hypocrisy of Democrats in the Franken Coleman election.

“Events today do not address the main issue that remains unresolved: over 4,000 Minnesotans were disenfranchised by this three-judge panel. That’s why it’s so critical for this process to move forward before the Minnesota Supreme Court and why Senate Republicans fully support Senator Coleman’s efforts.

“The message from our side has remained consistent throughout this process: we want this election to resolve itself as quickly, but not at the expense of Minnesota’s laws or voters.

“In contrast, the criticisms from the Democrat side as recently as today have expressed the opposite viewpoint. It’s blatant hypocrisy that many of the same Democrats who so loudly complained about voter disenfranchisement during the 2000 Florida recount are now willing to compromise this fundamental principle of our democracy when it no longer fits their political agenda. Senate Democrats should stand down, set partisan politics aside, and respect Minnesota’s laws and voters.”

Steven D’s take: Where to begin. Republicans in Florida 2000 went to court to stop a state wide recount because they feared they would lose. Democrats in Minnesota 2008 simply allowed a mandatory recount to take place as required under Minnesota law. Republicans in Minnesota 2008 didn’t like the outcome of the recount, so they sued. And continually changed their legal positions on which votes should be counted. Democrats in Florida 2000 accepted the Supreme Court’s decision. Republicans, even after a bipartisan panel of Judges gave them every opportunity to prove their case and they utterly failed to do so, still intend to fight it out in the courts as long as possible (and probably in the Senate also) to prevent Al Franken from being seated as Minnesota’s Senator. Have you ever heard the expression “Go Cheney yourself!” Senator Cornyn?

Tell me again: Why are we helping out all these crooks on Wall Street?

Lewisburg is one of hundreds of small cities and counties across America reeling from their reliance in recent years on risky municipal bond derivatives that went bad. Municipalities that bought the derivatives were like homeowners with fixed-rate mortgages who refinanced by taking out lower-interest, variable-rate mortgages. But some local officials say they were not told, or did not understand, that interest rates could go much higher if economic conditions worsened — which, of course, they did. […]

In Washington, federal regulators are now considering ways to restrict the use of municipal bond derivatives. Regulators and some in the industry are challenging whether it is appropriate for large investment banks to engage small cities and counties in transactions that lower interest rates but carry higher risks.

“When these sophisticated things were created, most people didn’t think they’d ever be used by the smallest issuers, who had the least amount of resources and knowledge and experience to understand the risks,” said Thomas G. Doe, the chief executive of Municipal Market Advisors, a bond strategy company in Concord, Mass.

Steven D’s take: If you don’t want to risk raising your blood pressure to dangerously unsafe levels, do not — I repeat: DO NOT — read the entire article. That’s my public service announcement for the week.

The Pakistanis don’t trust US.

ISLAMABAD, Pakistan — Two senior American officials came under withering public criticism from Pakistan on Tuesday, with the Pakistani foreign minister saying that “trust” between the countries was in question, particularly over the issue of American missile attacks in Pakistan’s tribal areas.

With the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Adm. Mike Mullen, and the special envoy to the region, Richard C. Holbrooke, at his side, the minister, Shah Mehmood Qureshi, said: “We did talk about drones, and let me be very frank: there is a gap between us.”

He added, “The bottom line is the question of trust.”

Steven D’s take: Gosh. I can’t see why they’d get their panties all in a twist over this. We only kill bloodthirsty terrorists with our pinpoint accurate computer guided missiles. It’s not like we are killing innocent women and children . . . Oh. Never mind.

Who caused the health care crisis? Those damned non-smokers, that’s who!

WASHINGTON (AP) — Smoking takes years off your life and adds dollars to the cost of health care. Yet nonsmokers cost society money, too – by living longer.

It’s an element of the debate over tobacco that some economists and officials find distasteful. […]

Vanderbilt University economist Kip Viscusi studied the net costs of smoking-related spending and savings and found that for every pack of cigarettes smoked, the country reaps a net cost savings of 32 cents. […]

Viscusi worked as a litigation expert for the tobacco industry in lawsuits by states but said that his research, which has been published in peer-reviewed journals, has never been funded by industry.

Steven D’s take: Know what we should do? No more health care treatment for non-smokers after 65, that’s what. That’ll show ’em! Seriously. Do the cost benefit analysis and tell me I’m wrong.

Ps. Anyone surprised this was an AP story?

And on that absurd note, I have to call it a day boys and girls. When a major news service seriously reports on the benefits to our economy of smoking, it’s time to put an end to my news aggregating, no matter how much fun I’m having.

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