Why it’s Joe the Not a Plumber! Or as his parents know him, Mr. Clean Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher. Try to guess what pearls of wisdom he regurgitated on Wednesday at his very own teabagging.
“I’m here for one reason and one reason only: It’s I love America,” Wurzelbacher told the crowd. “Mainstream media wants to paint us as a bunch of extremists, right? We’re in search of liberty and our freedoms. What’s so extreme about that?”
“I’m just regurgitating,” Wurzelbacher said. “I believe in common sense.”
“Let me give you another extremist view, ‘In God We Trust,’” he said to wild applause. “Say that too loud in some parts of America and you will be shot. It’s terrible.”
Poor Mr. Not a Plumber. I imagine it must be hard to duck all those bullets when you’re such a big, easy target. I know how awful it must be to bite your tongue and not say what you really want to say out loud in public. Still, you’re a brave man. I don’t know many people who would stand up in front of thousands of people and recite the motto that’s imprinted on every single (mostly) copper penny the US Mint makes. But you did. And you regurgitated it very nicely, indeed. Thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster there weren’t any godless Islamofascists with AK-47’s or RPG launchers to take you out. But that’s why you’re a hero and have your very own action figure.*
Still, I’ll bet there’s a posse of lefty socialistical fascists gunning for you right now. Maybe, you should wear a wig and dress in drag just to be safe. If not for yourself, than do it for the kids who come to your speaking engagements. Then, even if some Commie Black Separatist Islamofascist Obamatrons discover your true identity, they’ll probably be laughing so hard they won’t be able to shoot straight, if they can shoot at all. Hey, if it worked for Rudy Giuliani . . .
* Yes, that really is a Joe the Not a Plumber action figure to your left, boys and girls. Feel free to go here and purchase one if you’re man enough. Ignore all those evil Barack and Michelle Obama World Eating Cyborg action figures when you visit the site. Just keep repeating “Jesus Rulz” to resist whatever temptation Satan might place in your head enticing you to give in to your inner Dark Side. It’s a little distracting, but before you know it your credit card will be charged $32.95** for the plastic likeness of that shiny headed bald guy who represents what’s best about America: the opportunity to become a media created celebrity no matter how stupid or ignorant or just plain dumb you might be.
** Don’t forget to pick up a Sarah Palin action figure while you’re at it. I especially like the School Girl Sarah model myself, but if Pseudo-Matrix Superhero Sarah is more your style, don’t let me change your mind. To each his own, eh?
Ps. Sarah’s $3 more per doll Real American collectible, but trust me, she’s worth it.
