WASHINGTON, DC — April 19, 2009 — Retired navy captain and Apollo XIV astronaut Edgar Mitchell today called for the U. S. government to disclose to its citizens and other Earthlings what he asserts are the realities of long-standing extraterrestrial visitations and interactions with our planet.
Like duh, my parents ate totally from outer space. But it’s like God don’t you think? Don’t you think if She existed She’d have show Her face by now? Merciful my ass. The world used to be full of gods and now what? Now demagogues are all we can muster.
And the same with aliens. What the hell are they waiting for? Is there really a secret agreement between our Reptilian Blue-blooded World Government and the local chapter of the Galactic Empire to keep the Galactic Empire secret while the Reptilian Blueblood World Government is merely a conspiracy theory? Or are they here to eat us.
Speaking this morning at “X-Conference 2009” in Gaithersburg, MD, a suburb of the nation’s capital, Mitchell told several hundred attendees and a phalanx of video cameras that, with our planet confronting population pressures and critical questions of environmental and energy sustainability, the need for disclosure about extraterrestrial involvement with Earth is critical.
Mitchell contends that the dispersal of knowledge about what he believes to be the end of Earth’s apparent quarantine from other civilizations, and advancement of planetary culture beyond its present fragmentation and incoherence, are desirable results of the widest public release of information about the extraterrestrial presence he believes is real.
The X-Conference is not a Trekkie convention, you know. Not to denigrate the trekkies or anything. They’re people too like Jehovah’s Witnesses but that doesn’t mean you trust them with stress tests if you know what I’m saying.
This is a man who had the Right Stuff. He went to the moon. He knows things. Dr. Mitchell says alien technology is required to heal the planet and the acceptance of the Galactic Empire is a pre-requisite for humanity to shed its small, narrow-minded provincialism in favor of assimilation to the greater galactic good.
At least that’s how I read it. Between the Aliens and Venezuelans I can’t keep up with the threat matrix. The Aliens might eat us and the Venezuelans might beat us in arm wrestling or some such.
Anyway, I’ve long been as advocate of disclosure. I’ve known since I was a kid about aliens. They abducted me and taught me things. I don’t know what. It’s sublimated. They never hurt me but they can’t take a joke and have no appreciation of irony. Or slapstick. Pratfalls? Might as well be at Buckingham Palace. Dr. Mitchell says our quarantine is about to be lifted. And, well, I guess like Cuba, pretty soon we’ll be a vacation destination on the Galactic Safari circuit. Or maybe it’s like agave. It’s takes years to bear fruit. Maybe they’re lifting the quarantine because we’ve grown big enough, like bass in a stocked lake, to eat.
It always comes back to the food chain doesn’t it? The top of one food chain is the bottom of another. Except for lions, tigers and people. But what if people taste better to aliens than lions and tigers? And there’s sure a lot more us than big cats.
That’s why I want to be cremated. That “worms crawl in” song really got to me. I got this thing about being eaten alive or dead. I don’t want someone to enjoy me like Haagen Dazs chocolate ice cream. I was somebody. People loved me and I loved them and I don’t want to be a lump digesting in some alien’s double-stomach.
So you see. I have issues with aliens. I’m not against them, per se, but an advanced civilization is hardly going to take our dishwashing and housekeeping jobs are they? If I was an alien traveling a few lights years through a wormhole I’m coming for a great job or a good steak.
Maybe they’re coming to help us build the new Jetsons cars. It’s possible. Dr. Mitchell didn’t talk about their agenda. We could use like the galactic version of the World Bank or something right now that’s for sure. A galactic loan. I wonder what the interest rates are in the Orion System.
And even if they’re vegetarian and eat our plants then how will we breathe? They’re here for something. Maybe they’re here for the dolphins. Or California girls. Hard to say. Tourism or Conquest. It’s a thin red line. Spreading culture or harvesting drones.
Anyway, I wish Dr. Mitchell and everyone in the disclosure movement well. I’m sure ‘the truth’ is right around the corner after the economy rebounds and the wars end and Bush and Cheney are sent to The Hague and about three days after the Mothership lands on the South Lawn of the White House.
Whatever. It’s okay by me. I can wait. Because the sooner we realize we’re not alone the sooner we’ll see ourselves for the primitive, clownish buffoons we are.
On the other hand, maybe we’re a delicacy like Kobe Beef.
