Here’s something straight out of Porky’s:

A British woman lost her appeal Tuesday against a ban on her noisy sex sessions, after a court heard how her marathon romps that kept neighbours awake sounded like someone being murdered.

Caroline and Steve Cartwright’s “howling” lovemaking sounded “unnatural”, “hysterical” and “like they are both in considerable pain”, Newcastle Crown Court in northeast England heard.

A 10-minute recording of their sex sessions was played out in court, which also heard how she tried covering her face with a pillow to muffle her cries of passion.

Neighbours at their home in Washington, south of Newcastle, complained about the noise — as did passers-by and the postman.

The couple were banned from “shouting, screaming or vocalisation at such a level as to be a statutory nuisance”, but Caroline Cartwright, 48, appealed under human rights laws against her conviction for breaching the ban.

However, a judge on Tuesday upheld the original conviction and ordered that the banning order should stay.

Caroline Cartwright said she was unable to stop the din.
“I tried to control it. I even tried to use a pillow (over her own face) to try and lessen the noise,” she said.

The judge, Recorder Jeremy Freedman, rejected her claim.

The friggin’ postman complained? That is some serious noise. Imagine having people play the sounds of your lovemaking in court. That must have been quite a scene. But it at least it only lasted ten minutes. Thank god for small favors, I guess. I had some experience with loud dorm-mates in college, but nothing that could compare with this.