A very good friend of mine has a problem.
I was over at his house today where I was to meet his son.
We had a nice talk about gardening & lizards, out on the grounds around the house. There was no one else there.
The mom had told me she wasn`t around much, since she was caring for her ill brother. I`m very friendly with the mom & she`s a very very nice person. Their daughter comes over to my house & I can leave her there by herself.
I trust her to no end. She`s going off to college back east in the fall.
The older brother is in his second year at San Francisco U.
He also is a personal friend & always welcome at our house.
Now we come to the dad.
He`s a doctor & one of the nicest person anyone could ever meet.
So what`s the problem.
They live in fear of their lives.
The15 year old son whom I visited & had a good time with today, is terrorizing them.
I have had to do repairs at their house because of his violence, although there often was a reason/excuse for how the damage happened.
When I left their house to come back home, I saw the dad coming off the beach.
I blew the horn & waved. Then I thought I should turn around, so I went up the highway, made a U-turn & came back.
He got into my car & very glad I`d come back.
I told him I`d just come from his house.
I told him his son seemed to be doing much better.
He told me different.
In a breaking voice he told me about being threatened with death, & having a hard time dealing with his ICU patients at the hospital along with this familial weight over him.
I asked about the mom`s brother during our conversation, but he seemed puzzled.
He explained that she did not feel safe in the house alone with her son, while he, (the dad) was away at work.
He asked me to forgive his wife`s “white lie” & that she`d only told me that to hide her (shame?)
She wasn`t at the house, because she was terrified.
It`s been about four/five months since she`s been “taking care of her brother”
They are at their wit`s end & don`t know what to do.
They are thinking of having him picked up & brought to a juvenile camp or some kind of intervention style boot camp.
Does anyone have any experience with this sort of situation.
Any info will be extremely appreciated.
My friends are at the end of their power to continue living some semblance of a stable healthy life.
They are desperate.
Please help me help my friends.
Thank you.
Many of the “boot camps” are not properly staffed by trained medical personnel (or are understaffed). Most of them use non-professionals to keep the prices down and the profits us. The off-shore ones are even worse.
I’d have him look for a proper in-treatment facility. They’re not cheap, but they have to answer to much stronger levels of oversight and regulation. Plus, they’ll get family counseling and family therapy. Which will give the parents some insights into their son’s behavior and how their own actions are either triggering or enabling it. These kids don’t happen in a vacuum, and treating them as if they do doesn’t usually solve the problems. If the kid is a sociopath, and 2 percent of males are, then they really need proper professional intervention, and not just tying to give the kid an “attitude adjustment”.
A willingness to admit that there is a real problem far beyond their ability to deal with, is always the first step – and often an especially difficult one to take for educated professionals, who think they should be able to handle raising their kids without help.
Kere,
Thank you for the wonderful insight.
My fear mirrors your`s as far as the military/ religious boot camps go.
They understand that it`s a mental health problem & not just “attitude”. The kid has been to numerous doctors & on different meds for years, but it seems to be getting worse as he gets even stronger physically so the danger is on an escalating scale.
The “getting too big” is a problem for lots of parents. Autistic or developmentally disabled children can’t always continue to be managed at home once they tun into six-foot tall teenager. And with teens, sexual behaviors also get thrown into the mix, etc.
The kid clearly needs 24/7 treatment, and his family needs the space to regroup and re-establish relationships with him and each other outside of a climate of fear and anxiety.
If they have good health insurance it should cover some in-treatment care.
Thank you again Keres.
I told the dad I would be putting this out on the blogs I frequent, & that I would be sending him links to this essay.
Everything I can accumulate in the way of responses like yours, will definitely lead to a better insight, seen from outside.
Just jumping back n to say that, like others here, I’m not trying to diagnose the kid long-distance.
I should probably add that I actually volunteered, along with one of my dogs, for three hours a week over the course of three years at a residential treatment facility in NM. The kids there were mostly long-haul types – in and out of the foster care system. The structure, constant supervision, and consistency of the staff made a huge difference for these kids who had had none of the above previous to living in this facility. I couldn’t think more highly of the people who worked there.
I’ve also worked with teens in residential lock down. These kids were almost all sociopaths, and had all either killed an animal, seriously harmed a person, or sexually assaulted another minor. Master manipulators to a one, and easily excitable. Most would spend much of their lives in jail (or as corporate leaders). The facility was good, but it was a hard place for me to be since I tend to take people at face value and I’m not good at be suspicious of everyone all the time.
Anyway, just a bit about where my opinions are coming from.
The hormonal changes of being a teenager can exacerbate biochemical/mental health/emotional issues.
I think a residential treatment facility is probably a good idea, not a boot camp or religious camp. The residential treatment would give the rest of the family an opportunity to relax in their own home again, and prepare to rebuild a relationship with the young man.
I do think the whole family needs help working through this though.
.
I have no professional experience, just from personal experience and doing years of coaching youth in weekend sports competition. This behavior is similar to what I read recently about the Russian adopted boy who was send home to Moscow with a one-way plane ticket and $200.
In many comments here and over at EuroTrib I came across a special camp which treats these teens. This is the follow-up information:
The Ranch for Kids and
its websitesome information. (link to website seems to be difficult)Without knowing more about this case and insight about this child’s development, it will be difficult to gave any direct comment. Every child or teen needs daily coaching, whatever the circumstances and dangers involved. It is clear that professional help is needed. It’s very strange to have lost contact with child … and the ability to run your own house(hold). When the boy is with you, he behaves? Best of luck to you and your friends. This is typical a diary which needs some input from our readers and friends of old.
"But I will not let myself be reduced to silence."Oui,
Thank you very much.
First of all, yes, he`s very well behaved with me, & very polite & nice with Teri (my wife)
It`s like a split personality.
And yes “friends of old”
Thank you for the links which I think you know you`re famous for.
.
You have a nice blog of your own Knucklehead and beautiful photography.
I am looking forward to some wise advice and comment from Diane101, Olivia and shirlstars.
"But I will not let myself be reduced to silence."it could be borderline personality disorder. i’ve had experience with that in my family: the rages are unpredictable and frightening. i highly recommend the book Stop Walking On Eggshells. It gave me insight into what was going on, and allowed me the courage to cut that person out of my life.
.
don’t try psychiatric analysis on a person by telewire. Any professional will give you this warning. There are too many symptoms that seem similar but have a very different cause for such behavior. Only after a thorough psychiatric analysis and perhaps treatment with a specific medicine, can a doctor come to a conclusion. From nearby I have seen how a husband tried to make assumptions and second-guess a professional with terrible consequences for his partner and family. The man “knew” why his partner behaved this way. The only experience he had was a mental illness within his family, specifically his maternal grandmother. She was indeed diagnosed with borderline. In this case, his partner suffered from PPD and needed professional care. He had also “diagnosed” Asperger, autism and borderline.
“Borderline personality disorders are not formally diagnosed in patients younger than 18 years because of the ongoing developmental changes.”
"But I will not let myself be reduced to silence.".
Last sentence: “He had also” refers to the husband, not the doctor!
Oui,
I understand what you`re saying & know it`s not a reply to my comment but it most certainly applies across the board.
Thank you, again.
Brendan,
Thank you very much.
I shall check out that link you provided.
I`m glad you found the courage to take what often is a horrible step.
I believe also as do the youngster`s parents, that it is a mental health issue.
I also am sending this stream of comments to the dad.
I watched this a few months ago, it was interesting how it involved both the teen and the parents. Not sure if you can find it on the web somewhere, but thought I’d link to it anyway.
Keres,
Again Thank you.
That`s a new one on me, where the parents also attend a therapeutic locale.
Hmmn
That sort of reminds me of the parents weekend portion of the Outward Bound Intercept program, which I found very helpful when CBtE did that. I think it sounds like things are a step beyond what OB can help with, though.
Hi Knucklehead, Oui wrote me to check out this diary so I am here and I read your diary and the comments.
I wish I had some sage advice to give, sadly I don’t. We have family members who are going through a similar situation and it also involves a 15 year old boy, who is my grandson.
The whole family has been trying to help and we have the same thing here, he is pretty good with others outside his home , but at home not so good. Lots of broken and damaged things at their home as well.
Now there even appears to be illegal activities as he was arrested a couple days ago. He has now gone with his Dad, which I hope will help.
We have been trying to intervene with among other things having him work with family business a couple days a week, but that fell through when he started staying up all night and sleeping all day. He is currently on alternative education as he was kicked out of regular school and can’t even keep up a couple hours 1 day a week of attending this alternative school. We are still hoping for a good outcome somewhere. With this arrest he may be facing time at juvenile hall and that will put him in the system.
I guess the best thing I could suggest for your friends situation outside of professional treatment would be to remove him to a relative or friends house where he has a record of being well behaved, if that is possible. It seems that certain teens become toxic to their parents during these years and it certainly is difficult to deal with. Wish I had a better suggestion.
Best of luck to your friend and to you as well.
Hi Diane101,
Are you still down San Diego way?
Thank you for your input.
I was thinking of having him over here, but it`s just a few miles away & I really think he should be isolated from his present living arrangements by a greater distance.
Also, I`m not a mental health specialist so I may do more harm than good.
I`ve never addressed any of this with the young man, as he`s always a perfect gentleman around me & mine, nor do I want him to ever think that I`m betraying him to his parents.
In NY, parents can file a PINS (person in need of supervision) in family court. The judge receives information/evaluations about the child from courat appointed attorneys and therapists, depending upon the particular circumstances. California must have a similar proceeding. I would call the family court for information, and/or an attorney, if things are that bad. An extreme step to be sure. It may lead to DSS custody if needed.
I haven’t personally prosecuted such a proceeding but they are done regularly.
Thanks Boran2
I think extreme steps have to be taken in this circumstance at least.
There was even mention of having in-house body guards.
Unfortunately it seems family courts here in Ca. are so overwhelmed they can`t function properly.
What do they think the problem is? A psychology student told me (have no links) that a tendency to overmedicate kids for the past couple decades is producing adverse results (of various kinds – depression, bipolar behavior) in young people. sadly, this seems to be the case with the son of a relative of mine. Then he had a bad experience with one of those camps – a wilderness group bonding thing not a boot camp = though evidently it was professionally staffed (at least his parents thought it was reputable).Heartbreaking situation all around, I wish your friend the best.
Errol,
Only yesterday & out of the blue, the boy mentioned how he`d complained to his doctor about his feeling that the doses he was being told to take, made him feel drunk or sleepy.
He cut his intake to a third of what was prescribed.
Now, not being a doctor, I cannot make a judgement on the dosage of that particular medication, nor if it`s a good idea to have lowered the dose.
Thank you very much.
I’m a believer in animals as teachers and healers. I’ve been in a similar, but less desperate place, if I were in their shoes now, I would look into a residence like the Aspen Ranch in Utah. They might be able to recommend a similar facility closer to home.
There’s a lot of work with horses in therapy nowadays. Try this link to the Equine Facilitated Mental Health Association: http://www.narha.org/SecEFMHA/WhatIsEFMHA.asp or read Linda Kohanov’s The Tao of Equus.
Churchill was right: “There is something about the outside of a horse that is good for the inside of a man.” Personally I think it’s more about the generous soul than the ride.
If the boy knows how to act with you, it seems that he’s not a hopeless case. I hope your friends can find a way to heal their family without turning to the State. Your friendship as well as their success with the other children should help sustain their spirits through this difficult journey.
Wishing them all peace and love.
Alice,
Strangely enough, Teri (my wife) compiled a list of possible placement facilities & the Aspen Ranch (Equine Therapy) is one of them.
Now the boy is already very much into animals, having a nice collection of reptiles, snakes, lizards (including a very large Tegu) exotic frogs, plus a very nice rescued dog named Buddha.
He has a very healthy & loving respect for all animals.
It will be very encouraging to the parents that so many total strangers to them have come forward with their sympathy & advice or commentary to help them.
Thank you very much.
Being mindful not to psychoanalyze anyone via the internet, but it seems to me that kind of explosive anger and violence is not a discipline problem that a boot camp could deal with, but rather an emotional/mental problem. I’ve raised 3 teenage boys and while they had a tendency to blow up on occasion, it was never violent or threatening. Just the usual angsty teenage stuff due to hormones and a burgeoning desire for independence.
I’d hope that since the father is a doctor he’s gotten this boy some help. Of course the first priority is making sure the family is safe.
I see from the comments that he has been professionally evaluated. I second a residential treatment facility, but those religious or boot camp ones seem troublesome.
Second Nature,
I concur with your comment about emotional mental health problem.
They`ve basically exhausted the medical avenues accessible to them, which as a doctor himself, the father has plenty of.
“Of course the first priority is making sure the family is safe.”
Absolutely!
a dear friend is going through something similar with her 17 year old. She’s got lots of experience helping similar situations in her circle of loved ones and suspects that diet and sleep cycles are two of the first levers that can be “pushed” — kids who have issue and get into monster drinks, caffeine boosts, end up with totally crappy sleep cycles. Think “new parents” who get no sleep, only mix with nearly no experience being a responsible adult and the horrendous diet that teens can get from convenience stores.
Just a thought. I hope it works out for your friends.
Thank you Martini,
Actually sleep cycles have been in the picture, but these are very conscientious parents with very healthy eating habits.
When I was over there the other day, I was also returning a glass pie pan.
The dad had brought us a still warm, home baked apple pie, for us having taken care of their family dog while they had to be out of town.
.
(Examiner) – According to documents, when 7 year-old Gabriel Myers first entered the system, he had with him a prescription bottle of Adderall XR, a drug typically taken for ADHD. The DCF documents show Gabriel began seeing a psychiatrist soon after entering the foster care system.
The psychiatrist later prescribed Lexapro, a drug for depression and anxiety, and Vyvanse for the child’s ADHD. In March, doctors took Gabriel off Lexapro, and put him on Symbyax, also for depression and possible schizophrenia.
All three of the drugs have an FDA-mandated “black box” warning — a statement on the prescription’s box which describes its possible adverse reactions, including suicidal thoughts. Source: CBS News
“In 2003, the 7-year-old’s mother, Candace Myers, was arrested by Hallandale Beach police on charges of cocaine possession and driving under the influence. But it wasn’t until a similar arrest last June by the same police agency that a judge ordered the child be removed from his mother’s custody. He had been found in a car with his unconscious mother, surrounded by powdered cocaine and crack cocaine.”
The Gabriel Myers bill passed the Senate Judiciary committee on April 14th, 2010.
"But I will not let myself be reduced to silence."Thanks for posting this and for the links. A 7 yr old commits suicide? what have we come to! So sad.
Oui,
Thanks again for another facet.
The young man in this case has often brought up that he has nothing to live for.
He`s mentioned that if the cops are called he would, in essence, create a “suicide by cop” situation.
That suicide by the 7 year old in the link is so horribly sad.
An acquaintance of mine wound up placing her teen son in a group home after several physical assaults, but he seemed a bit more challenged mentally than the child you describe. I understand he is doing well in that environment and his mom now has a normal life again. A bad situation at best. I wish for your friend a good outcome.
Hi Indianadem,
Thanks for an uplifting & encouraging comment.
I will be forwarding the whole thread to the dad in a few minutes.