It would be nice if I could treat the new species of Republican like a scientist would treat a newly discovered species. Rather than fighting some variation on the badger or the weasel or the tasmanian devil, I’d just like to study its curious and frenzied behaviors. Instead of claws, this creature wields a low-powered forcefield of stupidity and ignorance. To keep predators at bay, rather than arch its back or emit hissing sounds, it radiates hatred and lashes out with poorly-planned strikes. The randomness of its attacks confuses its adversaries, who are often attacked where they expect it least, in the areas of their greatest strength. This seeming lack of logic can sometimes stun and briefly bewilder anything it encounters. This creature’s strongest asset is its ability to put anything in its path immediately on the defensive. Faced with this beast that acts always with incredible aggression and transparent malice, while never acting in a rational manner, there is no choice but go into a defensive crouch and prepare for all potential lines of attack no matter how stupid or counterintuitive. This animal cannot be soothed or reasoned with. It will not accept food or other offers of peace and reconciliation. Its simple and constant call is the utter destruction of its enemies, and it considers everything its enemy.
Despite its unpredictable behaviors, predictability is actually its greatest weakness. It can be counted on to attack in all circumstances, to never retreat, and can therefore easily be lured into ambushes.
Yeah, it would be much cooler if these people weren’t actually attacking you and me and our country, and everything we value and cherish. They could be good entertainment.
