Conservatives are comically obsessed with manliness. They don’t even feel silly about using the word. But the best part of it is that they really feel that the only way to be truly manly is to be invulnerable to any kind of intimidation. And that means that there is only one really truly manly man. That would be the one man who can kick the asses of every other man on the planet. Fortunately, there’s a solution for the rest of us penufied people. We can carry guns around with us and we’ll never have to take off our pants for a large black man. In this way, we can be manly, too. There’s only one flaw with the incredible plan. Ironically, the author inadvertently divulges it while talking to a English shoe salesman:

I’ve had several recent conversations with Englishmen, who have led me to conclude that the English people will continue to hand over their liberty in the hopes that one day — despite all the lessons from history and human nature — their government will create the peaceful, socialist utopia they’ve long been promised.

For example, I recently broached this topic with an English salesman at my favorite shoe company, Johnston & Murphy. He commented that he’s frightened by America’s “gun culture” and added that Americans needs to drop “their Wild West attitude.” I listened patiently before pointing out that England currently looks a little more like the Wild West. He wasn’t swayed. I pointed out that gun rights are women’s rights, as they make the frailest woman the equal of the strongest male. He kept shaking his head.

If a gun can make a woman just as manly as me, then how can I maintain by superior manliness? I give up. The whole thing is hopeless.