If you’re reading this blog, you’re probably not a Republican and you probably won’t be voting in the Republican primaries. You probably don’t think like a Republican. But, still, you know who you like to drink beer with, and we all know that this is how real Americans decide how to vote. So, in that spirit, I thought I’d assess my feelings on the matter. But, since I’m a Democrat, I’ll do it in reverse order. Among the remaining Republican presidential contenders, who would I least like to have a beer with?
1. Rick Santorum- I don’t think I could stand to be in the same room as Little Rickey, let alone belly up to the bar with him. Everything about him fills me with visceral loathing. Plus, there’s the whole frothy mix visual that I can’t escape. I was tempted to list Mitt Romney first because he doesn’t even drink beer, but if I’m being honest, I’d hate spending time with Santorum more than with Romney.
2. Newt Gingrich- First of all, I like the sound of my own voice. When I drink, I like to pontificate in a pompous and didactic manner. The last thing I need is some dick who thinks it’s his turn to talk. Plus, he’s aggressively wrong about everything, which is not something I can tolerate in person, even when I’m sober.
3. Michele Bachmann- Not only does Michele talk too much, but she makes no sense even when she hasn’t been drinking. I’ve spent a lot of time in bars humoring people who are basically insane and who never stop espousing juvenile conspiracy theories. If I want more of that, I can get it at almost any bar in the country.
4. Rick Perry- I don’t want to sound like a jock, but I don’t drink with male cheerleaders. I especially don’t drink with male cheerleaders who appear more likely to commit date rape than the jocks. I also don’t drink with big moronic Texans because it usually involves a fistfight with someone dumber than a bag of hammers.
5. Ron Paul- Maybe Ron Paul has the slightest hint of Willie Nelson in him. Having a beer with him might not be so bad until he started talking about monetary policy. Anyone who talks about monetary policy while you’re trying to drink should be shot.
6. Jon Huntsman- I’d gladly drink with Huntsman. Not only could I enjoy the experience of corrupting his morals, but he’s actually been to interesting places and done interesting things. I could pick his brain for hours.
7. Mitt Romney- Since he doesn’t drink and he’s fabulously rich, it would just be more free beer for me.
How about you? Who you least like to drink with?
