Disclaimer: I did not watch the debate. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, since I believe, much like my many friends on the right that it isn’t necessary to watch and listen to the words a candidate speaks to know they are godawful, and a disaster for America if elected because – Democrat!!!! Substitute Republican!!!! for the D Team and we’re all good to go. So without further ado …

Trump won the debate and it wasn’t even close. How do I know? Because he always wins the debate. Trump always says he won, too. Who can argue with such unstoppable arrogance? Not those who vote in polls (warning link NSFW, or any sane person).

Carly Fiorina won the debate for who should be Vice President. Why? She’s a woman, and she’s not Hillary Clinton, and besides she saved Hewlett Packard! She said so, so it must be true.

Chris Christie lost. He’s from New Jersey and he once thanked Obama. Besides, did I say he’s from New Jersey.

Jeb Bush didn’t lose the debate. He didn’t win, but he didn’t lose, because he’s a Bush and there’s a ton of money backing him and he’s just like the Energizer Bunny (because of the money). He said so! Yeah, some people say he was making a joke, but I don’t buy that for a second. Though, I bet he bought that line from one of his speechwriters.

Ben Carson lost the debate by trying to shake Trump’s hand when Trump wanted to high five him, which shows he’s really a racist at heart who hates white people and wants to show them up. Of course, Ben Carson is black so he would have lost the debate anyway, but this sealed the deal. Forget about the polls, he’s going down in flames, trust me.

Everyone else was a no show. Seriously, it didn’t matter if they were physically there, or if like Rick Perry, they weren’t present, in Perry’s case because he dropped out of the race. Which, by the way was the smartest thing Rick Perry has done in his entire life.

The best part of the debate? Ronald Reagan’s Air Force One posing as a backdrop for the candidates! I mean it stole the show. Planes are so cool, especially planes once flown by the greatest president to ever invade Grenada. No one denies this!

Hey, you wanted substance? This was a Republican debate for Crissakes. There was no substance, just a lot of canards, prevarications, half-truths and outright lies. Oh, and ad hominem attacks on Obama and Hillary, as well as once in a great while a few thrown Bernie Sanders’ way. You didn’t have to watch the debate to know how it would play out. If you were smart, you didn’t.