No amount of pumping iron or stretching out will ever help you weather a swift kick in the nuts, let alone repeated blows in rapid succession.

America’s supreme court is on a roll. After a week in which it scrapped women’s constitutional right to an abortion and gave an expansive interpretation of gun rights, it has issued yet another momentous ruling—one that will have far-reaching consequences for the government’s ability to curb the greenhouse-gas emissions that are heating the planet.

That’s why I can simultaneously be completely unsurprised by the Supreme Court’s string of catastrophic rulings and as mentally prepared for them as it’s possible to be, and still be doubled over in howling pain.

It’s hard to choose which blow hurt the most. A mass elementary school shooting followed by a major prohibition on regulating gun ownership? Watching the right reap their reward for hijacking a Supreme Court seat from President Obama and hypocritically rushing to replace Ruth Bade Ginsburg on the court by overturning Roe v. Wade? Or seeing them defang the federal government’s ability to address climate change?

It’s straight despair built on despair, made all the worse by the fact that nothing can really be done about any of it.

I see people lashing out, which is understandable, and blaming various Democrats for being ineffectual, but I have to confide in you that I’ve known all this was coming in roughly the terms that it has now arrived, and I’ve known it for a long time. And a lot of this is done to dumb chance.

A bad ballot design in Palm Beach County, Florida delivered the 2000 presidential election to George W. Bush. Antonin Scalia dying too late and Ginsburg dying too soon, delivered two more seats on the Court to the Republicans. An idiotic letter from James Comey perhaps led to two additional seats (in addition to the Ginsburg one) to the Republicans.

I’ve been torn apart knowing that today’s America was coming and that a lot of it wasn’t something that could be avoided.

Relatedly, my entire analysis of the 2020 primary between Biden and Sanders was based on the realization that the real president would be Joe Manchin, and I told you this until it got boring. That was the least fun analysis I’ve ever had to spoon out, precisely because it was based on a realistic nihilism.

The way odds work, we’re due for some good fortune for a change. I’m hoping we get some, because there ain’t a whole lot else that can give us a productive path forward. We lost a long time ago, and people didn’t understand it at the time. Now they’re all waking up, but it’s too late. In some ways, we never had a chance.

Part of me just wants to hang it up and pass the baton to someone with more optimism and will to continue, but I know I have some reserves somewhere, if I can just get a moment to gather myself and find them.