Bill Watterson’s work is fondly remembered for many things, but his latest burst of relevance seems to be in having completely anticipated the Romney for President campaign. In Romneyworld, every day is Opposite Day.
Today, at a campaign stop in South Carolina (and what’s he doing spending his scarce energy in a cash-poor, uncontested state?), Willard happened to mention in passing that he really does pay taxes like everyone else:
Mr. Romney said that he had examined the last 10 years of his tax returns.
“Every year, I’ve paid at least 13 percent,” he said, apparently referring to his effective federal income tax rate.
If you’re looking for more detail than that, forget it: you’re only The Help. However, if you were hoping for something to back up his assertion – proof, say – well, the Romneys do have a response for you:
Ann Romney said this week that releasing additional tax returns would simply provide “ammunition” for Democrats to attack her and her husband.
“The more we get attacked, the more we get questioned, the more we get pushed,” Mrs. Romney said. She added that she and her husband had been “very transparent to what’s legally required of us.”
“There’s going to be no more tax releases given,” Mrs. Romney said. She added: “Mitt is honest. His integrity is just golden.”
So there. Romney has paid “at least” 13 percent each of the last ten years, and he couldn’t possibly be lying – even though just about every single statement he and his campaign make contains at least one bald-faced lie – because “his integrity is just golden.”
See? Opposite Day!
Even taking Romney at his word, though, his statement today has quickly launched a new parlor game: figure out the way in which his carefully worded statement covers up whatever he’s been hiding in those ten years of tax returns. Thirteen percent of what? Is he actually counting all taxes (sales, property, etc.)? Did he only pay them retroactively, with penalties? How much did he avoid with foreign accounts and accounting shell games? Did he offload some of his income or liabilities onto Ann and/or his sons?
See, the thing about running an entire campaign on Opposite Day principles is that after a while people simply assume you’re lying whenever you say anything, and move immediately into trying to parse out which part is the lie.
But here’s the thing: Romney is saying this like he’s proud to pay 13 percent, because in his mind it shows that he’s fully discharging his obligations as a citizen. Me, I pay about 35 percent, and so do most of my friends. The Romneys brag about doing “what’s legally required of us,” and absolutely nothing more, when those legal requirements are already designed to require less of them than 99.9 percent of Americans.
The Romneys claim to be wetting their beds over the prospect that Democrats would use the Romneys’ financial records to criticize them. Thing is, the Romneys are making it so that their opponents don’t need to see the records at all. It’s certain that those records would show that, legally or not, the Romneys play by completely different rules than almost all of the people Willard would like to govern. But the Romneys are helpfully making that point already.
Unless, of course, you think that the next time the IRS wants to audit your returns, you can tell them, without producing any of your records, that you met your legal obligation. Your spouse can add that the IRS should believe you, because your integrity is golden. And the IRS agent, I predict, will nod enthusiastically, shake your hand because you’re a fine American, and go away.
See how Opposite Day works?