Dear Fred,

Kudos on your recent ascension to President Bush’s Iraq War Guru (I’m told that after talking to you the president uttered gratefully “Wow, you mean we can still win this war?) and at the tender age of 36. How proud your Papa must be. Who knew when you and he wrote that book back in 2000 — What was its name? Oh yes, While America Sleeps: Self-Delusion, Military Weakness, and the Threat to Peace Today, which highlighted the necessity of vastly expanding US military spending to combat threats like Saddam Hussein’s weapons of mass destruction — that within a few short years you would stand at the pinnacle of America’s Foreign Policy Movers and Shakers, as the author of President Bush’s new military strategy to beat the terrorist Islamofascist Menace in Iraq.

I commend you sir. While you certainly don’t look like the warrior type as seen in this, no doubt poorly lit, photograph, it’s quite clear from the American Flag backdrop against which you posed that you are a true red, white and blue (but mostly red of course) Patriot, who would be willing to do whatever it takes to see that your Dear Leader succeeds in his glorious mission to “achieve victory in Iraq” (however that might be currently defined).

There’s only one problem that I see with your resume. Despite your rarified intellect and keen military mind, I don’t see that you have any military experience in your background. Let me put it to you bluntly sir: you have never served in the US military. Not as a General, Colonel, Major, Captain, Lieutenant, Sergeant, Corporal or Private. Not as an Airman, Pilot or Flight Commander. Not as a Seaman, Chief Petty Officer or Admiral.

Some may claim that this lack of direct military experience might, in some fashion, discredit you as a great military strategist. Not that I would ever suggest such a thing, but I hear that some people may, or indeed, already have. Some might even label you that lowest of military insults, that you are a mere “armchair general” which to make it clear to you is on the same level as calling you a coward, a dilettante and an ignoramus all in the same breath. Others, of even lesser moral standing, might call you a chickenhawk, a term that is fairly self explanatory to you I presume.

Well sir, I won’t stand for such criticism of you and your dedicated service to our nation’s drive to Imperial hegemony. I have a plan which will put all your naysayers in place. It’s simple really: you need to enlist. Today. In the Army. Or the Marines. Take your pick.

Look at all the free benefits you’ll receive (and I don’t just mean the wonderful medical care you’ll receive in the event your limbs are blown off or the weight loss program known as “boot camp”). You’ll get the best body armor American contractors can pawn off on the Federal Government. A chance to see exotic places in far away corners of the world, such as Baghdad, let’s say, or Tikrit, Fallujah or Ramadi. Maybe even Sadr City, where I’m sure your fame will precede you, and you will be hailed as a Liberator with flowers strewn in your path as you peacefully disarm the Shi’a militias there. A chance to fire a real, American issue automatic assault weapon at real live terrorists and maybe even kill a few. Such treasured experiences alone will stay with you for a lifetime.

Now I know the temptation for you will be to seek an appointment to a position far from any actual combat zones, where your superior intelligence can be properly employed in developing further strategies and tactics for others to carry out. But think of the public relations coup, not the mention the morale boost for our troops, if you enlist as a mere rifleman, and deploy to the front lines in Iraq, sharing the same fate as all the other combat soldiers whose tours in Iraq your plan has extended or accelerated. I bet the chance to serve with you, the main architect of this brilliant strategy to adapt to win in Iraq by keeping more of our troops over there for longer periods of time, will send them into paroxysms of joy. Why, I bet they can’t wait to meet you and shake your hand — or something. In any event, the camaraderie they would show you would be unprecedented in your life, I’m certain of it.

And wouldn’t it make your Papa proud if you were to win a medal of some kind, even posthumously? After all, what’s your life worth compared to the eternal honor and glory of dying for your country so terrorists don’t get control over our oil supplies?

I know I’m asking a lot of you, but we all have to make sacrifices in a time of war, one in which we face the greatest existential crisis to our nation’s survival that has been or ever will be. As a fervent supporter of President Bush and the War on Terror, I think it’s the least you can do. It’s not like I’m asking you to pay more taxes, after all.

Being the person you are, I know you’ll decide to do the right thing. Best of luck to you, and Godspeed, soldier. Our hearts are with you.

Sincerely,

Steven D.