I’m counting down towards a year as a member of this community. And it is a community, regardless of the limitations of this medium. Those of you who know me here….my friends, know that I’m fairly open with the details of my life, my feelings, my hopes for this country, and this world. You might also know that I’m a fighter, among many fighters gathered here. I’m an activist, a protester, a dissenter. I never feel the need to yield. In truth, yielding ground in any fight is an alien thought to me. Today an old friend revisited me and my family. This friend, as I call it, is called Mental illness. Something my family has been living with for twenty years now. I need to explain, to purge the sadness dwelling within me, as to the source of my decision to yield today.
Time has come for us to pause
And think of living as it was
Into the future we must cross, must cross
I’d like to go with you
And I’d like to go with you
You say I’m harder than a wall
A marble shaft about to fall
I love you dearer than them all, them all…..
There is one person in my life who I’ve rarely, if ever talked, and shared about here. That person is my wife. I wish I could tell you her name, because it’s a beautiful name, almost as beautiful as she is. But I would never do that without her permission. I met my wife twenty years ago on the 24th of this month. She sailed into my life like a whirlwind. So full of energy, enthusiasm, and love to give. In a matter of weeks I was perfectly, and irretrievably in love with her. She was unlike anyone I had ever known. I think back now and I wonder, why didn’t I see that what was so different about her was the one demon, lurking within her, that would lay challenge upon challenge, heartache upon heartache, and fear, despair, and weariness in my path. And yet, as each hurdle, each obstacle was placed before me, my determination to remain with her, beside her, never wavered. Never. Today that changed.
In order for me to convey the source of my wife’s illness I need to reveal details of her life. Her childhood to be exact. I don’t do this lightly. But it is essential in order to understand her as I do. My wife was molested by the man she thought was her Father, from the time she was 7 years old until he left when she was 10 years old. Later on, as a teenager, she found adoption papers in her Mother’s dresser drawer. The man she thought was her Father was her stepfather. Think about that for a moment…. As an innocent 7 year old girl, she was taught that molestation was the way her father showed her love. To find out later, on her own, that this man, and I say man only because he is male, this beast had not only stolen her childhood, and her future, he’d also stolen what tiny sense of security and love that she’d EVER HAD by not really being her real Father. I know that the logic here is twisted. But when a child is raped, repeatedly, there is no such thing as logic. No conventional way to approach an understanding of the wounded baby living there inside her. Personally, and forgive me my rage, but I would torture that craven animal for days, weeks, years, before I killed him with my bare hands.
Later in her teens, she did manage to locate her real Father. Though he was as real as that ghost of a Father that has lived inside of her all of these years. He’s another one who needs to meet my hands. How they are allowed, to live free of punishment is a question beyond my ability to answer. You see, her mother, if you want to call her that, didn’t believe her at first when she finally told her what was happening to her when she wasn’t around. Her Mother then BLAMED her. BLAMED a child for her own rape. Someone….please….explain to me what parent, Mother or Father could blame this atrocity on thier child. She was told not to walk around in those little white panties and tank top. Mother Fucker!!!! How many children have had to bear such a thing? How many children have died a long and unforgiving death because of such things? My wife died when she was 7 years old. She just found the courage, somehow to bring herself 32 years into the future….dead all the same. I’m beginning to think that it’s just a matter of time. That is something that no family should have to live with. Yet somehow we’ve come to this day, still breathing…….
….And as we walked into the day
Skies of blue had turned to grey
I might have not been clear to say, to say
I never looked away
I never looked away….
We have three children. A son, and two daughters. Twice in those twenty years I’ve had to be a single parent because of our old family friend. I used to blame my wife, but no more. I blame her abuser, her rapist. Now it seems my third chance has arrived. She is hospitalized again. I can’t remember now how many times my wife has been hospitalized. Those experiences, and those years have all melded now into one long jouney. One long, mind numbing fight for sanity and normalcy. Despair so deep that it’s a wonder any of us can function in the world at all. But for all these hardships, I, and my children have endured, they will never begin to compare to the loniliness and emptinees, the inner desert that my wife has been destined to wander across within her own soul.
I apologize to you if these words and thoughts that i’m laying out here seem broken and convoluted. There’s a good reason for that. Living with someone who is mentally ill, for long enough, tends to have the effect of making the whole family unwell, even ill. I struggle to convey all the fleeting glimpses of years. All the whirring thoughts racing in my head right now. I held tight to hope for so long. I joined in every effort that all those doctors made to retrieve her from hell. I traveled back and forth to hospitals, to groups, to halfway houses. I listened to counselors tell me she had this, had that. Needed this medication and that. Needed to be away from her kids in order to heal. Needed to be away from me in order to heal. I went along. I had no choice really. Go home….broken, lonely, tired, yet….unyielding. All the times she raged at me because…..I was still standing there. Still standing there. I hate you, don’t leave me. How much do you love me? Will you leave me? Go away from me. Please…don’t leave me. I never left her. How could I? I love her. I’ve been all she’s had. More a Father and protector than a husband. How can you leave a soul like hers…alone in the world? How can you leave when you know in your heart that the things she does to you, to your children, has a name, a reason, a perpetrator? How can you leave a victim? I don’t know. I really, really don’t. But leave i must. Because I look in the mirror now, closer than I’ve ever looked, and I see a man who hasn’t lived his life in 20 years.
And though I’m feeling you inside
My life is rolling with the tide
I’d like to see it be an open ride
Along with you
Going along with you
My wife has begged me over the last week, as she slowly slipped beyond my reach again, not to take her to the hospital. I tried…. to keep her out, against my better judgement. I tried to give her the time and support, all over again, to find something solid to grasp onto. She couldn’t do it. Though I know she tried hard. Her courage is….well, beyond anything I could ever express to you. Her fight for all of these years has been heroic. But in the end it was someone else, her boss, who made the call. The call I should have made.
The time we borrowed from ourselves
Can’t stay within a vaulted well
And living turns into a lender’s will
So let me come with you
And let me come with you
Tonight my kids are out with their friends. I’ve perfected the art of mirrors. That they are all out while their Mother sits in a hospital is very telling. This has become our life, their life. It’s no life at all. In no sense does it feel like a life would feel if I knew what a life felt like. Or remembered what a life felt like. And while she sits there, and I sit here…..I miss her. I want to get up and fight for her….but I can’t. Not this way….anymore. Because now I feel dead too. This is a lot to leave out there. But it’s the truth. I’ve never been afraid to leave the truth here.
And so….I remember the day she walked in my door….and I smile
And when we came out into view
And there I found myself with you
When breathing felt like something new, new
Along with you
Going along with you
I too was asked today if I wanted to go to the hospital. I’m severely depressed and the medication isn’t working. I’ve been in the same clothes for two weeks and I feel beaten down.
I also know how debilitating it is to be around depressed people.
I’m hanging in there and that’s all you can do too. But treat yourself with kindness
Thank you,
Do you want to go? Would it help? I woke up this morning at 3:30, and my first thoughts were, what will she feel when her eyes open up to her surroundings, in a hospital ward? I imagine it would be frightening. I wouldn’t want to be there, but if she can get past that fear, that defiance, and let herself go, let herself open up to different possibilities, maybe it is the right place to be. For safety reasons she definetily needs to be there. But her future, if she chooses to have one, is still ahead and only she can decide what is worth fighting for.
I wish you the best, really.
I wanted to say something about medication. I just learned two days ago that the anti-depressive medication that my wife’s psychiatrist had been giving her carried a risk of destructive and abnormal behavior. I don’t know what it was called, but she had just started taking it recently. Apparently, after the first of three events with her this week she recognized something different about the medication. Her psychiatrist then brought samples of her old medicine to her at her job, but it was too late.
I hope you are letting your doctor know that the meds aren’t working because this is so important for them to find the proper one that best suites your needs.
Good luck, and please let me, or us know how you are doing from time to time.
super
Thank you. I do have an appointment this Monday to reevaluate the meds
which are not working. I am not suicidal -just angry and bummed out at how long it takes. This is the third medication that hasn’t worked and 4 months.
My plan for today is to take a shower, put clean clothes on and go sit outside in the sun. Also to call a friend to ask her to help me get to the appointment Monday.
I’ve done some reading on depression but I could use some tips on books others have found helpful.
Thanks again.
Keep trying new meds and new dosages.
Keep talking to friends.
Keep your plans small – getting showered and dressed and sitting in the sun is PERFECT for today!
I suffered from untreated depression for more than 15 years and it stole a big portion of my life. I recently found a med that works and it’s as if I put on glasses that suddenly cleared my vision and made me see things that I didn’t even know existed.
Write to me if you feel like it – I always write back.
Hi visual,
I agree with SN. Your plans for today do sound perfect! Soak up some sun indeed! And please remember to eat. I’ve found that I exacerbate my depression/anxiety if I’m not eating properly throughout the day. I don’t know specifically of any books to recommend, but for me, I do know that writing out what is in my head is very helpful.
Have you tried Lexapro? It’s faster-acting than other depression meds (2 weeks to kick in vs. a month). I don’t mean to pry or anything, just want to offer you some of my experiences. I’ve been there myself, and I simply wish you the best.
visual,
Please, please e-mail me. I’ve been there. I’m still living it off and on. I’m sure I can point you to some helpful resources and I can certainly provide you with support from someone who truly understands.
I rarely post at BT anymore, but I think people will tell you here that you can trust me and that I am sincere.
llamg88 at hotmail.com
I tried getting in touch with you but the email kept getting bounced.
So here’s mine.
sivisual@yahoo.com.
My heart and soul go out to you Super.
There are a million things I would like to say, but for now, all I can say is I am with you in spirit. You have graced this place with your warmth and humanity and love and I just want you to know that you have that much and more coming back to you.
Blessings to you and your family.
Thank you Kamakhya,
there’s a million things more that I’d like to say, but I think I’ve said enough…for now ;o)
I have a little time now to touch on some issues that you raise. I worked with abused children with my mother. She was a volunteer children’s advocate and as such represented many kids who were raped by their fathers, step-fathers and others. By far, the most common reaction by the mothers at discovering this behavior in their lovers was to blame the child. I heard the “walking around in panties” excuse more times than I can stomach. Why do women do this? Because a child will grow up and leave, but one hopes that the lover is forever. I know this is sickening and wrong and not all women do this, but many do. It is fear and selfishness and wrong, but true. It was my mother’s job to convince these women that their daighter’s came first, and it wasn’t an easy job. I don’t know how she did it year after year; I was heartbroken with the first case I saw and it never got any easier.
My husband was horribly abused by his parents. His dad was a cop and routinely put a gun to his head. He broke bones, he routinely humiliated his child, he did everything possible to make his son regret ever being born. By the time he was 16, my husband had tried to commit suicide several times. He was finally referred to child protection services, but since his dad was a NYC cop and well respected in the forces, it was a joke.
I thought he was getting beyond it all, but he was seriously bi-polar as a result and suffered from extreme PTSD. I did the doctors and the hospitals and the drugs and all that. When he was good all was heaven, but when he was bad, life was sheer hell. I thought if I could just love him enough and give him stability and show him a good life, we could get through it. I spent a huge amount of energy to make it work. I loved him more than anything else and I never wanted to leave him. When I got pregnant, he found another lover. He wanted me to welcome the other lover and stay home and take care of the kid while he went out with his girlfriend. What is surprising is I did this for three years. I wanted to make him happy and I knew he was just scared at being a dad after what his dad did to him. It makes no sense, but I loved him, just as you love your wife. The lengths I went to to please him would shock every single person here.
It has been nine years since I found the strength to leave him, and I am still recovering. In fact, I have never really divorced him (though that will change soon). This was my soul mate, my partner, my husband. I have yet to find another who could fill that void for me, but I do not regret my decision to leave him. I miss him, but in return I have a daughter with whom I have a fear-free relationship. It was the right decision to make for my daughter and myself, even if it took several years to make and was the hardest thing I ever did.
I can’t speak for you or your relationship, all I can say is I have been there and I understand. For all we want to do and be for our loves, we cannot change what they are. I can not take away the guilt, but I can say that my daughter is better off, even though she misses having a real dad.
Super, I have seen your posts and I have heard what others have said about you after meeting you and I know, I am sure, that you are a good person, a good husband and a good father. If you really do follow through with your thoughts of leaving your wife, know that you are a good person, a good husband, and a good father.
My thoughts are with you and if you ever want to talk, write me at lynx at zimpatent dot com and I will give you my phone number.
You’re very brave to share this Kamakhya. I too have done things to maintain some sense of stability that would probably leave the common person’s head spinning with confusion. Coming from a broken family myself made me that much more resolved to keep my own family together, even if it meant I had to sacrifice my inner integrity and pride, trust, and stability. On the outside I was always seen as some sort of hero really. Her family treats me that way. Too many times I’ve been the only thing standing between her and suicide. They know it, and they’re thankful to me for it. But they also realize now that I won’t be here forever to block her path. I think they are coming to terms with the possibility that she may never be alright. Her diagnosis promises no cure in fact. Only a semblance of maintaing and containing. They also know that she might ultimately kill herself. I’ve been a hostage to that fear too. Feeling that the moment I turn away from her for good will be the falling away of her last lifeline, leaving her tumbling into nothingness. She says that I’m her rock. Yeah…I guess I have been. But why smash your hammer against the rock that provides you the only stability that you have? Those things I will never understand, but might be able to come to terms with one day.
I appreciate your offer of contact Kamakhya. It means much to me. You sharing this here with me has given me a little more hope to continue stepping away.
Thank you
Kamakhya, thank you for being forthright wityh your story. Your story is encouraging because you are a strong and wonderful woman and I know you are such a wonderful mom to your daughter. It was very brave of you to step away from someone you loved but who was treating you and your daughter poorly. Hugs from across the world.
and I weep.
Mental illness has become a part of my life — my brother-in-law, who is bipolar with mild schizophrenia (but has finally found the right combination of meds to keep him on an even keel); my sister-in-law, herself a victim of years of emotional and mental abuse, who has become a new person with a combination of medication and diet…and even me, as I struggle with some of the demons of my own past, mostly related to losing my father at the age of 11 (when the spouse doesn’t come home when he’s supposed to, I tend to panic, but that’s another story). I’ve seen what it can do to families, but have seen families who fight for their loved ones. But I also know that eventually, you get tired of fighting, and just want to lay down your weapons and surrender.
Geez, I’m starting to tear up here…but I have to hide it till the spouse goes out to get dinner, or he’ll worry about me…
I can see why San Diego wasn’t in the plans last month — Real Life issues can be a bitch. But all of us are with you in spirit.
I hope that somehow, you and yours can find peace…
Please don’t cry Cali,
You’re going to make me cry with you. I’ve done enough crying for now. But you go ahead if you need to. I’m sorry to find out in these comments that so many more of us are dealing with these torments in our lives, and watching our afflicted loves being tormented, knowing deep down there is little we can do. My wife has a diagnosed illness. Not something I want to lay out here, but it is as severe as schizophrenia, only she doesn’t have to take medication as powerful as those burdened with that awful diagnosis have to take.
Yes, San Diego wasn’t in the cards as soon as her Grandmother passed away the week before the meetup, and the countdown to the next breakdown began.
I hiope you find peace too, thank you so much
Hey Super:
Are you OK guy?? Don’t know you except from your writing here. Today’s is a real eye opener. I feel for your wife, you and your kids. Tell me that you will seek help for yourself and your kids, if that is what the situation requires! I’m trying to read between the lines. Let me ask again, are you OK??
Thank you for the email keepinon
You already know that I’m okay, just shot, and drained out. I’m sorry if I came across as unstable. I don’t do unstable, though sometimes I wish I were afforded that luxery.
Thanks
I know all too well how writing can provide a small release of the pressure that builds up when having to deal with something so volatile and all-encompassing. Thank you for having the trust and courage to give us a glimpse into what you and the family are dealing with at this difficult time. Know that you will all remain in my thoughts and prayers. If there is anything we can do to help you walk this hard path, please know that there are many who will answer your call. Paz
It is all about trust here for me Manny. But it’s not about courage. My wife is the courageous one. I’m no stranger to reaching out. Just never did it in such a public way before. Even still, I’m comfortable, mostly, doing it here. That’s a testimony to you and all the others here, that I feel free to reveal these subjects here.
Peace my friend
I knew you were dealing w/ some RL issues lately, but I didn’t realize … I am so, so sorry and I’m not really sure what to say — You and your family are in my thoughts and I hope that you get a measure of comfort from us, your virtual family and friends, who care about you … Please let us know if there is anything we can do. {{{{{{{{super}}}}}}}}
It’s alright Olivia, really. I did what I needed to do here, and now i feel much better for having gotten it out of me. I couldn’t contain it anymore. I’m so blessed to have you, and everyone here.
Last night was harder because I can’t keep doing this, and I know it. She will choose life…or not. My best efforts were never going to be enough.
I’m alright, thank you
Healing wishes to you and your family during this difficult time, supersoling.
Thank you Indy,
I’m better for having reached out….
Supersoling, you and your family will be in my prayers…
I appreciate those thoughts Denim. If I were a religious man I would keep you in my prayers as well, but I will thank you and keep you in my thoughts.
This is the best piece of writing that I just won’t recommend. I don’t want us all to feast on your pain. Though I do want us all to give you are love, as best we can.
We’ve seen some tragedies here in the last year. It is hard to read them.
You aren’t alone. So many families are ripped apart by these things. As a prosecutor, I saw so much of it. It is hard to imagine it is ripping families apart on a such a wide scale. But you’re okay. You’ve fought so hard for your loved ones. Admirable man. And you are not alone.
I hope time will pass and dull the pain. Allow you to find peace. Wish I had more than words to give you. I don’t even pray, or I’d say I’d keep you in my prayers. But I’ll keep you in my hopes.
I sort of wish no one would have recommended it now. And I sure hope Senator Feingold isn’t pissed at me for knocking him off the top of the list. Senator, if you’re listening, I’m with you man, all the way :o)
Sorry if I freaked you or anyone else out BJ. I’m alright now. I just desperately needed to get this out of me because I was close to bursting last night. Really close, and I’m a sloppy crier so I did the next best thing.
Thanks friend for holding me up when I needed it most.
Peace
You don’t ever have to say you are sorry for being human, Super. I think that is a part of what is put on us by this myth we live in. That we are somehow flawed. Broken apes. Incapable of making it all right, when the world has become so unfriendly to great apes in general. You are fine. A little crying. A little self-reflection on after a tragic week. We could wish the silver back, Cheney, showed such reflective skills.
You are a beautiful man, BJ. You make me cry. Hugs, from far away.
Oh, super – the burden is unevenly spread. Some times to the extreme that you now experience. Do take care of yourself to remain strong. My thoughts are with you.
Ask,
I wanted so much to meet you in Manhattan today, at that Pub, or Tavern you mentioned. Obviously that can’t happen now, but the world being in the state that is will, unfortunately, present other opportunities for us to march together. Then when the marching is over, we’ll all get together to celebrate the overthrow of tyranny in this country ;o)
I’m alright Ask.
Thank you for your kind and encouraging words.
Me too, super, but there will be other opportunities. Be well!
Give them hell for me.
I am right there with you. You know this. I have been your wife to my ex. I have been you to my mother. I am both of you and your children as I type.
Nothing will ever take away your pain, her pain, or your love. But you must live again.
I won’t give trite words because they are meaningless. You know in your heart what is right and what you have left to give, as well as what your children can, or should, bear. And that is enough. It is not easy, but life as I’m coming to realize, never is.
Just know I am here for you and that, even though we have not met yet, you are one of those special people who I knew from the first second of our interaction was a kindred spirit. And now I know why. Because in so many ways you are me. Or you have had to put up with someone like me. But you don’t give up. You care too much for that. I won’t say your wife was lucky to have you, because she is, but that you were both lucky to have found each other, no matter what the future holds. You have 3 beautiful children and you have love and life in front of you, whatever shape that may take.
Be kind to yourself. You deserve it.
Thank you so much for sharing this with us. Stay strong and know that we are only an email, a post or a phone call away.
Namaste my friend.
If sharing these things is what it takes to pull you back here Spiderleaf, then I’ve got plenty more, because I miss you here, and think about you often. You’ve shared some of your secrets here too, and you know it’s not easy to do it.
Kindred Spirits, yes. There are many of those here. Some much more than others, and you…well, you are topping the Kindred Spirit list my friend. Thank you for all you’ve shared here. More insight into who you are, and how it is that we have these experiences in common, even if from different perspectives. We’ll meet soon enough Spiderleaf, and believe me, that is a day that I very much look forward to.
I’m alright now, because of you, and because of all this tenderness and support here.
Thank you so much
But I believe in sending love and positive thoughts your way and you have both in giant bundles from me.
I understand how hard it is to love someone with a mental illness and how it makes the whole family sick. People think I’m kidding when I say that depression is contagious but it certainly was in my case. My children were sad, angry, quiet, careful not to bother me or cause me aggravation. I raged at my husband. I screamed. I cried. I told him to leave me the hell alone and he did.
I finally found a magic bullet, Michael, just a few months ago. I finally fought my way through terrible side effects up to a clinical dose of medication that has me in such a good mood that I smile with no good reason. That’s not right – I do have a good reason, lots of reasons, I just couldn’t see them before.
You are such a jewel to be there for your wife when she needs you the most and is simultaneously pushing you away.
I don’t know what else to say. I wish you strength and I wish her healing.
I’ve always payed close attention to you Second Nature when you’ve let us have glimpses into your own struggles. I’m not saying that there are any similarities that I see, only that, especially lately, as you’ve expressed relief, and happiness that the new medication is working well for you, there is a sliver of hope that I find there for my wife and for me and the kids. I can’t stand directly by her side anymore. I just can’t do it. I’ve thrown myself against that wall for too long now, and I really am beginning to sense deadness within me, and I can’t allow it to linger there because I want and need so badly to thrive now. I remember what it was like to be happy, at least once in a while you know? I miss it. I miss it terribly, and I feel time creeping up behind me now. Something I never thought about before. I used to think I was immortal, unstoppable, but not anymore. My feet have been forced to plant themselves on the ground. I just need to move one of them, then the other. I just know I can’t stay here, in this hole any longer.
Thank you for your thoughts and kindnesses.
Super, I am with you here. I too suffer at the hands of the mental illnesses of close family members. Though I am lucky to have avoided it within my own small nuclear family, the home that I grew up in and the home that my wife grew up in were not run by stable individuals and the fallout for each of us continues to this day. Though we have made and continue to make great progress, it has been a lifelong pursuit for each of us to achieve health in mind and soul and body.
I can imagine what you are going through, and I say to you that you can and you must take steps to get the nurturing and love that you so richly deserve. No one can live for someone else. I know how very difficult it can be to be around someone who is mentally ill, and I have had to strongly curtail my own exposure to those of my family members who are seemingly inescapably and irreversibly so. It seems that throughout the course of my life, I found myself trying so hard to love them enough that it would heal them, that I did not care for myself.
You cannot fight inside another persons soul on behalf of their soul. That is work that each one must do for themselves. No amount of you loving and supporting someone will absent them from the need to do it for themselves. In fact, your attempts to do so might be a crutch for that person to avoid the reality of having to face soulwork alone.
The call to love oneself is an often overlooked and very important part of the call to ‘love thy neighbor as thy self’. If you do not preserve and forgive and cherish yourself, you will have nothing of worth to give to anyone. For the sake of your admirable goals of helping others, you must take great care to nourish your own soul. Whatever this means that you must do, you must do it or lose your own soul to the illnesses of others. This is not failure, it is reality, for no one can continue to strive against madness in any of its forms without the energy necessary to do so. You will ultimately be of greater use to those children if you take great care of yourself. You must remember the value of time and patience, with yourself and with them. Much of what they do not now understand, and which may bring them pain in the moment, will become more manageable in the future if you are available to help them sort it out.
I hope that within my ramblings here, something I have said will be of some help to you. I respect and cherish you more than you know, friend. Remember, you are loved here. I encourage you to share your burdens with us. I will take my share and carry it for you now, while you are weary.
Your ramblings here have gone a long, long way towards helping me to feel much better this morning. I’m always interested to read your comments Blueneck because, what I like most about you is that you never back away from a confrontation. Yet you do it in such a way as to leave no doubt that you value the opinion of your opponent, or adversary. I’m not always so kind, nor am I as nearly articulate as you. But we all express ourselves as best we can.
I’m happy…and hopeful for myself, that you’ve managed to keep your nuclear family relatively free of these terrible things. I wish more of that for you in your future.
Thank you so much
Thank you for your kind comments. I have noticed that you notice my comments, and when I get a four from you, I know that I am behaving myself 🙂 And don’t you think for a minute that you are any less articulate than me or anyone else. Your writings here are very special, and you are a special man. You are -at least- as kind as I hope to be, and more so. I only hope that I could bear, with such grace as you, the things that you are living through now.
Also, I do not want to leave the impression from my previous comment that I am not concerned for the mentally ill, my own family members or your wife. I do care greatly for the afflicted and want only the best for everyone involved.
My instinctive reaction now is to become very careful of investing my own feelings of self worth into the equation when dealing with the family members that I have mentioned. If my original comment reveals this about me, it is because it is true. I have learned (the hard way) to stop my auto-empathy circuits and offer them sympathy instead. It hurts when I have to do that, but I have found it necessary.
My family members, for the most part, are receiving appropriate care if and when they choose it. I always support and encourage them in their times of need. And though I may not spend lots of time with them they know that I am a phone call away in an emergency and that I will never refuse to help them get medical attention.
I’m happy if I have indeed shared a thought that lifts you up or makes your day better – even a little bit. Please don’t hesitate to reach out here whenever you want or need help from our community. Speaking for myself and, if I might, for the many of us here who value you, we stand ready.
P.S. Jorma rocks :O) “I’ll be Alright Someday”
I could not agree more with you that super is a very special man. In fact, while reading comments on BT I have often thought that supersoling was a woman, and that, as you women will appreciate, is a particular compliment.
If I were a woman, I’d be the most god forsaken, ugly woman that ever set foot on the planet LoL Who, or what ever is controlling this universe was wise enough to provide me with the proper chromosome set, and provide innocent people everywhere with protection from what could have only been the most ghastly creature that ever lived :o)
Parents do blame children for things that are beyond anyones control. My mother, to this day, blames me for my epilepsy–it “embarrassed her.”
And, she has perfected the denial of my traumatic brain injury. No matter what has happenned to me in my life, it was always “my fault”. Hell, it was even my fault that my ex-husband was abusive. “If you were a better wife, he wouldn’t have treated you like that.”
As a result, she prefers to think that I don’t exist, and is totally amazed that I cannot live on $600.00 a month. Actually, I just received a letter to that effect, saying that she “doesn’t know what is wrong w/me, why can’t I stick to a budget?”
And, when I do not contact her, she calls me and complains that I never tell her what is going on in my life, and that she is dying (she has been doing that for the past 10 years).
Why do I even bother worrying about that? It would be really nice to have a family that cares. Everyone is scattered all over the country. My brother has had little contact w/anyone in my family, me included. He cut his ties w/my mother, as she didn’t like his wife and made no bones about it.
But, she has the “poor little old lady act” down pat, and gets a hell of a lot of mileage out of it. And, the woman lives on my late father’s Big 3 pension plus his social security/widow’s benefits.
(If I’m lucky, she’ll send me twenty bucks a couple of times a year.)
I am not excusing her behavior or that of your mother-in-law. I really want to cut all ties and start my life again somewhere new, where no one knows me.
Why did your mother-in-law blame your wife? Probably for the same reason that my mother blames me for everything–she is a self-centered idiot.
I think my Mother in law blamed her because of her own insecurities. In other words, jealosy. Doesn’t that sound like the sickest effing thing you can imagine? Well it is.
Like you said, it is the sickest thing one can imagine. And, the only thing that you/your wife can do is cut all ties (assuming you haven’t already) accept what happenned and that your mother-in-law was actually more at fault for not believing your wife.
Neither of you need someone in your lives who treats people like that, nor do your kids.
There is nothing that can be done to change it–it happenned. Just look toward the future. And that is tough, especailly when you don’t see one, or the one you see consists of pain.
IMO, there is jealousy in my situation as well–I was my Dad’s girl. Plus, my parents were in their early 40’s when I was born. And, as I eluded to earlier, the phsyical resemblance and similarities in personality are another thing.
Take care. My thoughts are with you and your family.
May Peace find you and your family.
Peace and Blessings my friend.
Thank you Dada
We’re working on it :o)
“Because now I feel dead too.” no. You’re not dead. You’re just spent and a bit empty. Drained.
I hate this internet some days. It brings people closer to you while all the while they are physically far away.
I love you, Michael. So many here have you wrapped in their hearts and minds.
Your family is outside in the air and sunshine. Please don’t think of you wife as locked up… she’s being cared, she has her journey to finally begin. We can’t do it for her. That’s what is so hard with loving people … we want to take it all away for them and we can’t.
I know I’m not dead, but it feels that way sometimes Janet. I’m okay, the kids will be okay, and my wife is where she belongs, safe and cared for. I slept well last night for the first time in a week, knowing I didn’t have to anticipate the next shoe dropping. For now, I need to take smaller bites of this stuff so that I can pace myself and retool for the long haul. That feels overwhelming right now, but it’ll pass, at least far enough for me to better function.
I love you too Janet, thank you
I’m okay.
Well, not exactly okay, but I’ve learned to cope, and writing this was obviously my way of coping tonight. I didn’t know what else to do. These things…aren’t easy. I can see that many of us here deal, or have dealt with a loved one afflicted with these demons. I know that I can’t make it better. I know it. That’s hard for me you know? Because I want to save the world……I’d be better though if I could save my wife…..
I don’t know what to say to you all. I’m reading this and, well….I’m okay.
I needed you all, and you all came.
Thank you, thank you
Peace as always
And, the fact of it is, unlike it is w/me and my mother, the only there is only one thing you can do, be there.
(And damnit, I hate saying that.)
But, on the other hand, your wife is lucky to know you are there.
We’re here for you, my friend. Just don’t let go of that piece of twine I know you’re still holding onto, and whenever we feel a tug we’ll tug back so you know we’re with you.
I almost missed you in here buddy. Can’t have that. Thanks for reminding me about the twine. The bonds that we all share and care for. The reason I left all of this here last night was because of the tugging I felt in my hands. But I think you know that, as so many here seem to know it.
Thank you EJ
Hang in there. My thoughts are with you.
This has been a tough year for our family. Our son was murdered last year. At times it is tough to go on. I know I will never get over it, but I will get through it.
Peace be with you and your family.
Glen
My God, Glen. I am so sorry.
{{{hugs}}}
My older brother was murdered in 1990, and the first year or two was absolutely horrendous for my entire family, but it does eventually get better. I’m so sorry for what your family is going through.
My uncle (on my father’s side) was also murdered–this was before I was born. And, all of the things that my late father said about him, hell, all that everyone said about him, he was the glue that held my whole screwball family together. From what I was told, after his death, nothing was ever the same again. Still remember my late grandfather saying I reminded him of Joe–wish I could have known him.
I really hope you get through it. There are times when I think my late father (his brother) and grandfather never did. I get some comfort of picturing them all playing cards or pool now. And, you can’t miss what you never had, still, I wonder…
You hang in there Glen.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your son. I’m stunned really into speachlessness. There are hardships and tragedies, but the loss of a child, to me, has to be the most unbearable sadness for a soul to bear. You’ve reminded me in a stark and wrenching way, how short life is. How we all need to cherich every single moment shared with our families, and friends.
I wish you serenity…somehow.
Glen, I’m sorry to hear your story. My younger brother was murdered (by New Jersey police officers) in 1977. It destroyed my mother. She was never the same. She was a suicide in 1984.
I’ve had so many tragedies in my family, I always thought I was extra strong at survival. But the tragedies keep coming, and I’m wearing down. For what it’s worth, the main thing that keeps me going is praying for Hope. I dunno, that seems to help me.
Lots of murders here! Any statisticians about?
Hanging strong, praying for Hope, trusting in life–these are good things. It’s enabled me to rescue many hundreds of people in the last 15 years through my law practice. I came very, very, very close to killing myself several times 20 years ago. I’m miserable nowadays in lots of ways, but I keep getting little rays of Hope.
By the way, some people may not realize what I mean by “Hope” with a capital H. I don’t know how to explain. It’s the way you feel on the days when you’re not in despair and suicidal. I guess that’s it.
–Arminiums
P.S. Why am I posting this in the middle of a long thread on a beautiful Saturday afternoon? I just spent all day (left 9:30 a.m. got home at 4 p.m.) at the Emergency Clinic with my wife, who last night was viciously bitten by a very large dog on the right hand, two gaping puncture wounds going almost all the way through. Her hand has swollen to the size of a grapefruit and she is in incredible pain. I’m worried to death.
P.P.S. I have a weird theory for the past 20 years. I think God is fair, so I think suffering ends up being equally suffered by all humans. Some are destroyed or worse. Some are refined and perfected. I’m not sure which category I’m in yet, but I’ve survived a lot so far!
I hope your wife is in a good hospital where she can get some real help. I know from personal experience having worked for 5 years at a psychiatric hospital that some of them are really awful. They just give drugs and no real emotional care or insight therapy of any kind.
You are very brave to open up and I add my support and good wishes to all of those already expressed. I can really identify with your wife since I was also subjected to very harsh and prolonged abuse as a child. As a result, I sometimes get depressed when things go badly in my life and learned long ago to think of suicide as an option when I just can’t face the pain of life. There have been times when I have been very close to the edge, and I know that it has been hard on my loving husband and son.
My two sisters were also abused and they have both learned to cope with it in very different ways. My older sister is in complete denial so it is impossible to have an honest relationship with her, and my younger sister is lost in some twisted state of paranoid psychosis where she blames the whole world, including her sisters, for everything that has ever gone wrong in her life. So I miss my two sisters, casualties of the childhood we never had.
There are so many so many children who are suffering right now from the same kind of abuse that happened to me and happened to your wife, and so many so many more who have grown up to be women with emotional scars that can never be erased. It is terrible to have to live through something like that, terrrible to carry it with you through your life, and even more terrible to know that through your own suffering you may be emotionally abusing the people who love you. That was an important lesson for me.
We are all with you in spirit, super soling!!! You are not alone.
Dear SuperSimian ;o)
Thank you. You understand more than I do what my wife is living through. I’m so sorry that your family has been torn by these things too. I will never be able to come to terms with adults who are holding the fate of a childs future in thier hands, who instead of nurturing them, rape their bodies and their futures. Those people who do such things to children have my deepest contempt and rage. I’m inclined to say that they’re not fit to live, but that is a strong and dangerous thought.
I hope that the future opens a way for you and your sisters to come back around to where you began.
Thank you, Super Soling! I’m glad that you came here to talk to us about the difficulties you are facing. It’s painful, but always better to know, I think, that you are not alone.
I agree about adults who prey on children, they are the degraded, stinking scum of the earth. Whatever makes a person descend that low is incomprehensible to me. As a mother, if anything like that ever happened to my son (and thank God it has not), I would not hesitate to deliver a death sentence. People who prey on, exploit, and abuse children are truly the “enemy combatants” of the human race.
Super, sometimes being strong becomes almost crushing and the strongest thing you can do is to reach out and ask for help or have someone listen to you. To cry or rage, talk calmly-whatever your mood is on a particular day with this whole heart and gut wrenching issue.
Someone in my immediate family is bi-polar..every day I hope we don’t get another phone call about this person who I love so very, very much(who I helped raise) saying again he has tried to harm himself..a feeling I think too many people are living through besides myself and my family. Yet I know my feelings pale beside the thoughts and jumbled feelings that race through my nephews head-that I can do nothing about..that is the true despair-that there is not that much or only so much we can do to help.
I know I can do nothing to help your wife or you and your family-if only I could it would be done, the magic wand waved and your wife would be at peace as would you. So far now I simply hope that any words we here in this community have written will be of some comfort and solace to you if however brief.
sometimes being strong becomes almost crushing
That is it exactly. You become so used to doing things on your own and for yourself, because no one else gives a damn, other than saying empty words that don’t mean anything. I really wish I wasn’t so hard and cynical all of the time, but, I don’t know how else to be, as that describes the majority of all that I have ever experienced. Another one of the consequences of playing strong, even if you are not.
But, at least, I try.
Yes, sometimes the perception that you’re a strong person and thus people tell well hey you’re strong you don’t need any help or I’m to busy to listen to you right now or whatever..that can really suck..strong people need a shoulder to lean on every once in awhile also. Maybe more so because when they finally ask for help, someone to just listen to them and be there for awhile for them they or at least myself have been pretty desperate. I’ve mentioned this before but I went from being a real Pollyanna-man was I naive about everything-personal and political to being very cynical-don’t really like that particularly but events during life have shaped me that over the years.
strong people need a shoulder to lean on every once in awhile also. Maybe more so because when they finally ask for help, someone to just listen to them and be there for awhile for them they or at least myself have been pretty desperate
Exactly…and no one takes it seriously.
I’ve tried hard to maintain. You understand maintaining, I know you do. But you’re right,being the strong one can be more crushing because it’s harder to reach out most times. And when we do it’s because we have nothing left. That’s how I felt last night. Empty and dead inside. But I feel a little renewed this morning for all of these kindnesses given here.
Thank you
Dear Friend,
I gather you in my heart-thoughts, surrounding you with shades of purple – from a delicate, pale lilac to a deep, rich aubergine.
Thank you.
Tampopo,
You I know….
Purple? :o) Thank you for remembering. I’m okay. Really I am. I’m much better now than if I hadn’t written this, though I feel a little funny about it now. That funny feeling will pass, but the love given here by you and everyone here will never pass. I won’t let it.
Thank you so very much, friend
we are raised to not expect too much emotion or true caring from people, especially when you are dealing with someone who will never feel that they are getting enough love and that people will always leave. So it can be a bizarre sensation when you get the overwhelming support from those you’ve (mostly) only met virtually… and everyone has a story. That’s the most surreal part for me. Each and every one of us has been touched by how fucked up life can be at some point.
But maybe, if we all keep opening up to each other bit by bit we can start to heal and ultimately change our worlds.
Supersoling,
My heart goes out to you and your family. Our family has had to deal with my wife’s very serious health issues recently but I haven’t had to face the difficult choice that you made.
I wish you and your family well. If you need any help or just someone to talk to, Westchester county is not too far away from you. Please feel free.
Thank you Boran,
Sometimes I forget how close many of us are to each other. Though even thousands of miles are no barrier to closeness here.
Thank you
I often think of you asking for advice on how to be a good father to your girls, and now I understand more. Bless you, and bless your wife and your children. I hope you and the members of your family can find some peace in this sad time. I join the others here in holding you in our hearts and sending best wishes your way.
Thank you,
I guess this would make my first diary a little more clear wouldn’t it? These aren’t the sort of personal issues I would normally leave out in the open. But even though this place is public, there’s an insular feel here too, and from the start I’ve felt I could be more open here than any other place.
supersoling, This is one of the most beautiful and poignant stories I have ever read. I love the poetry interjections. They are very nice, and I assume they are yours.
“I never looked away. I never looked away.” I hear you, friend.
April is the cruelest month.
I come from a family of suicide, mental illness, and also great poetry and achievement. Suicide: my mother, my brother, my beloved grandmother who came to me as a ghost when I was 4, at least three others. And one of my dearest life friends suffered very much what your wife suffered in childhood.
Pray for hope. I think that’s the main thing to hold on to. For what it’s worth, I will add you to my daily prayer list. Sometimes that helps.–Arminius
Thank you Arminius,
The poetry is a song. Not mine, but Jorma Kaukonen’s
It’s called Genesis. I can’t get it out of my head today. I keep playing over and over.
Thankfully no one has committed suicide in my family or my wife’s family, but…. she attempted it two years ago, and I was the one who found her. You know…she planned it that way. Remember, I hate you, don’t leave me. Prove how much you love me. I have nothing left to prove. I only have hope.
Peace to you
Reading your diary reminded of a different song. One with an ironic name.
I’m really sorry to hear this news. Let me know if you need anything. Best wishes to your wife and for her recovery. And I hope you two can find peace somehow, someway.
Thanks Booman, that means a lot.
Sorry to clog up the top of the recommended list. It’s not often you get to knock a Senator off the top ;o)
you haven’t knocked him off, it was the tribbers who felt you were more important…
We are here, but is that enough? You sound so exhausted; it is so hard right now.
You are in a hell not of your own making, and not of hers. You need relief, as much as she needs help beyond what you can give her, and you’ve given her so much.
If you need someone to talk to, I would be pleased to listen. This is familiar, difficult turf, as I know from my own family and from my work. It’s no substitute for close, familiar ties or nearby, neutral listeners, however.
I’m sure there are others here who know you much much better than I do who would do the same.
Right now, you have done what you can for her for this time, now do for yourself what you need, please.
I very deeply appreciate your offer Kidspeak, and I am working on finding some support again. I’ve always sought out help for the kids and myself in these times, and this time will be no different.
Thank you, so much
Dear Michael..I am holding you in my heart You have done all anyone could do, been all anyone could be for her. You sound so terribly tired, and so badly in need rest and a chance to refill yourself.
I see love as an powerful healing energy that can be transmitted from one to another, evenm across all distance, so whether you can feel it or not..it is enveloping you right now, from me and all the others here who care deeply for you.
Just as you can forever send your love to her..from wherever you go..to where ever she is.
Who does it serve if two die from the illness of one?
You are a father, and they need you to stay whole..however you must accomplish that task..for them, and for your own precious self.
Thank you scribe,
Being a Father has been my greatest source of strength all these years. There is no giving up when babies depend on you. Even when all seems black and lost, I’ve found enough strength to get up and go, just because they need me. I’m trying…hard, to reach for something to make this feel better for me. I’m not good at that. But I’m trying.
I know of all the alternative pathways for love and support to flow from one heart to another. Afterall, I’ve had Shirl beside me all night :o)
Yes you have, and it will ever be so. As Shirley McClaine sang in Post Cards from the Edge. . .”I’m still here!” And as my good friend ET said. . .”I’ll be right here.”
As you and I and so many other Strong Souls know, the deeds and actions that others often perceive as strength or as courageous are not so much that as a willingness to be there through it all. The real courage is what you did when you wrote and posted this diary. The courage to be open and to invite others in is indescribable. The courage to say I am worn out and I just can’t stand up for or stand in for anyone else right now is Courage beyond the call of duty.
You know I am here. And if you had any doubts, you also know that the number of others that hold you in love, respect and caring in their hearts is really stunning.
We’ll go flying together later and it will lift a bit of the weight from your shoulders. I am so blessed to be on the same planet as you that there are no words to describe it.
In your deepest heart and soul you know that we are ONE. It is so and ever will be.
Love and hugs
beyond beyond
Shirl
Rest awhile my friend. Wrap yourself in the love and high esteem your friends here hold you in. You have done all that you can for now and more than most beings probably would have. Be still and know that you are loved.
May your wife find the help and healing she needs. May your children breathe a little easier in the quiet that must be in your home now.
You know how to reach me my dear one. My heart and my door will always be open for you. Let go and let the Universe be your light. Please pick up the phone at any hour of the day or night if only to say I need an ear. You have mine.
Much love and peace,
Leezy
My friend,
Thank you for that open door and open heart. If I ever need to I will call, knowing that you’re there. For now I’m alright and I know I’ll be alright in the long run. Just that I waver, a little, once in a while, and this is one of those times. I came to the only place left for me last night and found many open doors and hearts. That is the soul of this place, beyond our hopes for this world.
Thank you
Supersoling, I cannot say it any better than all the others who have posted before. Your writings here have consistently touched me and earned my respect and admiration.
I wish you peace, my friend. This world needs people like you.
I’m here Chinook, and I don’t plan on ever relieving the world of my presence ;o)
Thank you
It’s tough, it’s a bitch and there are days you just feel like giving up completely. But hang in there and be strong for your wife and your kids.
Treat yourself with lovingkindness. Take care of yourself. Meditate. Take walks. Put your kids first so that they don’t have to bear the scars of the abuse your wife suffered. Love your wife (as I still do my ex) but know that what’s right for you, yourself and your kids may not be right for your wife. Hold fast, you can always support her, married or not.
The “Art of Mirrors” that you so beautifully referred to is what survivors do every single day. We paint a pretty picture to show the world, while inside is darkness, pain, and loneliness. And it’s always dualistic even on the good days. How can this happy, beautiful day be so good? But we walk forward through the mist and the rain, not knowing where we’re going, not knowing where we’ll end up, but knowing ultimately that life is in fact beautiful, precious, worth living for, and worth fighting for. So we take baby steps and learn to live, and learn to love, learn to cope, and learn to deal.
The fact that your kids are out tonight while you’re wife is in the hospital is a good thing. They have to live their lives and you have to live yours. And though this sounds harsh, your wife needs to decide how she will live hers. Will she succumb to the darkness or will she rage against the dying of the light? You can love her and be there for her, but ultimately it’s her decision and her actions and there’s very little that you can do except hold her and support her as her husband or as a friend who’s been through hell and back with her.
But first and foremost, treat yourself with lovingkindness.
Rage on against the dying of the light!
Peace
that was so beautifully said northcountry. I ache for you both but I know you are both strong and will keep on keepingon. Namaste
Thank you and Namaste.
Mirrors, and dancing, I know them well. So does she. We all deserve Oscars for our portrayal of an intact family. Though I’ve never placed the burden of secrecy on the kids. We’ve all been helped over the years by many caring professionals. I’ve never hesitated to reach out for help, especially for them. For now they seem to be taking it in stride, but the uncertainty of the future is in the back of their minds still. That I can’t answer for them. Only let them know, by showing them again, that I’m here. I’ll always be here for them no matter what.
Weebles wobble, but they don’t fall down ;o)
Absolutely, beautiful my brother.
You are doing the right thing. In all my decisions, I’ve always put my kids first, and you know what, it was always the right thing to do.
my sincerest good wishes to you, just you Supersoling.
your wife has experts to care for her at the moment and your children have you to care for them as well as their mother when she is able.
who is caring for you? i hope you have a support system (off-line!) of friends, siblings, co-workers etc. to just sit and listen sometimes.
and also some folks to take you out on a night like tonight and just see a movie or grab a bite to eat, little things like that go a long way.
Thank you Wilfred,
Believe it or not, I do have offline friends :o) But the truth is that sometimes these dramas wear even them out. They don’t have to be here. I do. So most of the time I’m good in that way, but last night I wasn’t, and I turned to my only other source for understanding friends, this place.
Thanks, I’m okay now
{{{{{supersoling}}}}}
You are a kind, caring, beautiful person and I’m so sorry that you and your family are going through this. I can only repeat what everyone else here has said: know that we’re here for you.
I worry about you my friend. You are such a strong person; but no one can be strong every minute of every day. Allow yourself to rely on other people; it’s not a sign of weakness. You can’t take care of other people if you don’t take care of yourself.
I’m holding you in my thoughts and prayers.
Thank you Maryb,
I’m glad for all the times you de-lurk :o)
I’m alright. But now as I read all of this I feel a little strange. like maybe I left too much out here. I think it comes from hiding all of this from the world for so long. It’s hard to let the light in for others to see because there’s a risk of being judged. People judge my wife all the time because they don’t understand her, or me, and why I’ve stayed this long.
I knew I would find understanding here.
…I feel a little strange. like maybe I left too much out here. I think it comes from hiding all of this from the world for so long.
Yep, it’s that “art of mirrors” you talk about. You walked away from the mirrors and you feel uncomfortable without them. But trust me, not only do you need to do this, you need to let your kids see you do it. Believe me. Help them learn to throw the mirrors away.
My parents both came out of childhoods that caused them to be virtuoso practitioners of the art of mirrors – each for vastly different reasons. My mother was the child of an alcoholic; my father grew up in a local political family. It was a marriage of two people who believe it is natural to deflect all attention from their private lives. Instead of one convincing the other that maybe a little disclosure was good, they reinforced the tendency in each other and took it to new heights of performance. For no reason. They had created a successful family. There was no child abuse or spousal abuse in our family. There was love. My mother suffered on and off with bouts of depression but she was functional and we were never unloved.
That’s the irony. In their childhoods they had reason to lead double lives. As adults there was no reason. But they still to this day perform this exhausting act of trying to look perfect to the world, when if they let the world see them warts and all – they’d look pretty damn good. Even writing this makes me uncomfortable because I know how much my mother would hate it if she knew I was doing this. So IMO you will give your kids (and grandkids) a tremendous gift if you help them smash the mirrors. They may think they need them now, but god willing some day they will create lives that don’t need them. And will they know how to let go?
I’m so glad you chose to tell us what you are going through and about the really hard choices you are having to make. I support you, whatever you choose. As I said, I’m sending all good thoughts and prayers your way.
Thank you for sharing. Great pain often brings great wisdom and you have shared lots of wisdom and calming words here.
I understand the loss you are feeling. My alcoholic husband deserted me for his illness. I should be relieved and glad that the insanity is over in my house, but the pain of his absence shreds me to pieces. I was so sure I could ‘fix’ him by loving him. Why that doesn’t work is beyond me.
But we keep trying don’t we?
I’m sorry…
Your husband has deserted both of you. I went through so many times like that. Where I felt abandoned and abused myself. It’s taken me a long, long time to come to terms with my failure to heal her with love and steadfastness. I’ve resented her for it. How can she do this to me after all these years of me picking up the pieces of her trails of destruction? For standing by her when my own inner self was shattered repeatedly?
I understand what you’re feeling, very well, and I wish there were some comfort I could pass to you. But that peace you see in your house could be the beginning of peace for you if you hold tight to it.
I wish to join this choir of support and hope that the harmony of our voices brings you some measure of peace, solace, and even joy.
I know you only through the thoughts and feelings that you have shared with all of us at BT but the cumulative effect of your words leads me to believe that if ever there was a person who could and should trust himself to make the best choices for everyone he loves, you are that person.
Thank you Andi,
Having the faith in myself, and the trust in myself to know how to make the right decisions is very, very hard for me. Three nights ago I had to make a decision between two bad choices. Though one of the outcomes resulting from those two choices could have been tragic. I chose to go with my instinct that she wouldn’t do something to herself that night. The problem was that she was beyond my reach, and I also had to try and reassure the kids that I was doing the best I knew how to. My son wanted me to call someone, but in the end looked me in the eye and told me that he trusted me to make the right decision. Maybe I should have felt better for him having shared that. Instead the pressure fell harder on my shoulders as I spent the entire night agonizing over that decision. It eventually turned out that I was correct in my assumptions, but if I hadn’t been, something really bad might have happened.
I guess my point is that even when I don’t completely feel like I trust myself to do what’s right, for all, I do have a sense that my instincts are right most all of the time. That is comforting somewhat. But it also shows how close I’ve been existing to this madness.
My experience, growing up with an alcoholic and violent father, is that the experience/process of family dysfunction means that it can be difficult to trust your own judgement about people and situations. I hope that you are able to appreciate the fact that you made the right call, super. You have good instincts. You are a good partner and dad.
.
Love can drain one’s spirit in times of extreme difficulties. The natural response is to focus on the nucleus of one’s family, the ones close to you and in need of protection and love. You have a lot of passion and sense of responsibility, and a drive not to give up. Yet, don’t forget to find a balance in nature and relaxation outdoors. Physical labor can be used to clear one’s mind and find time for meditation. Supersoling you have a lot of passed emotions that need to find a place in your life, yet not weigh like an anchor and keep you from moving forward.
Love to you supersoling and your loved ones.
I went to the hospital already knowing in my heart that the man who will always be bigger and stronger than me, had passed on to some other world. A world that I can’t reach. I was allowed to see him one last time, alone, because my dear wife could not do it. It was too hard for her. I understand. I held my father, and kissed him on his head. I told him that I loved him. I told him I was sorry that I was not there when he needed me. I am his first son. I was not there.
Re: Life & Death in the blink of an eye
Spiderleaf, I know personally how witnessing what you witnessed can cause a person to stop and consider how quickly life can come to an end. I saw a woman breathe her last breath and close her eyes for the last time.
Tue Mar 7th, 2006 at 06:04:56 AM PST
This is written with love for those that have lived this story and those that love the ones that have lived this story. I always recommend reading this with a box of Kleenex handy…but that’s just because I always need them. This is a response to a dear friend with love in my heart.
Choices were made by a little girl – decisions well beyond her years. The choice was to escape violence and sexual abuse. The choice was to not live with incest as her sister had. This is a little girl’s story…and a woman’s.
“But I will not let myself be reduced to silence.”
▼ ▼ ▼ MY DIARY
Thank you Oui,
I need to share something regarding my written moments with my Father after he died, that you shared in your comment, and thank you for that. My wife was taken to the same hospital that my Dad died in last year, and as I walked up the ramp to the emergency room for the first time since kissing him goodbye that night, I was nearly overcome with grief. Because it seems like I keep cycling through these tragedies, and returning to painful places. I think I even sat in the same chair as I did the night he died. The chair found me……
I’m so sorry to read this, but I also know that you are doing what is right for your children, for you, for your wife. As hard as that might be at the moment… You do have the support of this community, and yes, sometimes the best thing to do is to write and let it out. Peace of heart to you and your family. And Hope…
Thank you Shermanesqe,
I feel wrapped in support here. No doubt.
super, it’s the end of a long day here, and I’ve just read through your diary and all the comments after coming home from not one but two friends’ fiftieth birthday parties.
I’ve always admired you for your contributions to the BT dialogue. Right from the first diary where you talked about the ‘little wolves’ (boys) who were calling for your daughters. It struck a chord, even though my eldest daughter is only eight!
You are a great dad. I wish I were so good. You are a good partner, too, and it is clear you have tried to make things right by being steadfast, loving, supportive and understanding.
Courage, my friend. Your judgement has proven correct. You are a good man. Look after yourself, and your children. We all hope that your wife’s situation will improve.
Please do call upon your friends, relatives and nearby BooTribbers to debrief.
Let us know how things progress.
Hugs…
and blackened every perception, I didn’t want to be any more. But the Universe flung its wonder around me. When I got to Blue Buck Overlook to drive off the bluff, large concrete barriers had been erected. When in desperation I sought a psychiatrist one day, the doctor doing “intake” that day happened to be among the very best. When I got the text-only Internet in the early ’90s, I stumbled upon an internet support group, Walkers in Darkness (now http://www.walkers.org).
“We create ourselves in relationship,” I was taught when I went back to school in mid-life. Some of the relationships that were defining me, including my demanding relationship with myself, had to diminish sharply, and some had to end. It was a long and sometimes difficult journey to the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. I don’t know where I’d be (or if I’d be) without the many helped me along the way, the beauty of nature that sustained me, and the medication-with-talking that played such a large role in changing who I was.
I feel self-centered writing about my experiences, but I also feel compelled to tell you what helped me. As I’m sure you know, early-morning awakening and feeling dead inside are symptoms of depression. When you have done all you can and it doesn’t work, you may develop “learned helplessness,” which is often at the core of depression. My talking psychiatrist told me thoughts create neurological pathways, so mental illness is a brain disease. He also taught me the most successful treatment includes both talking and medication.
Supersoling, I hope you will get the best help for yourself so you can walk this path all the way to a comfortable place. I hope the Universe offers you and your wife many lights along the way, whether you are together or apart, whether the time is long or short.
Each person’s situation is unique, so please forgive me if I have said too much. You are a gentle voice here, and I hope you will be gentle with yourself and find a place of quiet hope within.
I hope you’re feeling better today Super. Didn’t know what to say when I read this last night. It’s so hard when you sorta know someone. I am one of the legion here that have come to admire you as a person, patriot, and father from reading your diaries and comments. But I also know that your days and real life are more complex and complicated than any of us can really know.
As I read the comments, I thought of the role Andy Garcia played as husband and father in the movie “When a Man Loves a Woman.” I really fell in love with him in that movie. But its too much of a burden to take on Super. I too support you in letting your wife find her own desire and hope for healing. It really is the only way it will ever happen – and the only way you’ll be able to find your own.
Thank you so much for sharing. I lurk here often and read your words and can always feel your heart through your words. Now I understand why.
Yes, you must move forward and live your life. So must your children. There is no use allowing the same monster who took away your wife’s life to continue stealing away the all of your lives as well.
I ache for you right now. Tears are shed for you and your children. I send all of you my love.
I am sending as much good karma as I can your way. Take care of yourself. Bearing the brunt of such sad times can wear you down, so take some time for yourself and make sure that your kids have a little fun and have a professional to whom they can talk.
Peace and Love {{{{super}}}}
One of my poems – on love. And loss.
Love is a thing with Feathers
Impossibly light, improbably hued
cupped, held earthbound
in my two hands
Sheltered against breeze
or breath lest
it be spirited away
You offered me this feather
knowing that I would stroke
its downey plumage against
my skin
Tilt its bowed back
against the sun – catching the
irridescent shifts of light
-Marvel at its resplendant utility-
You offered me this
token of your own arrested flight
And a promise to linger yet awhile
in my two hands
The most any of us can promise – is to linger awhile.
p.s. You can count me amongst those on anti-depressive medication and trying to cope with mental illness.
Beautiful, keres. I copied this and am keeping it if you don’t mind.
You’re more than welcome to a copy, SN.
Supersoling–your diary had haunted me –and I don’t have the words to convey how deeply sorry i am at your pain. You are one of the best things at BT, always ready to help, reassure, comfort all of us who needed your wisdom and humor. What can I say? All I can do is send you all my best hopes and wishes and trust that things will work out the way you want them to.
I’m coming in at the end of this very long thread, and I just want to say that I’ve always appreciated your comments, your logic and your sanity – and I intend no irony with that.
I think everyone above me has contributed more wisdom than I myself have to share. Except to try to find some things to do that make you happy. Whatever those might be. I mean, simple things, actions. Take your kids to a ballgame. Or a museum. Take a walk. Go to a nice restaurant. Small actions that bring you some pleasure and aren’t overwhelming to plan or execute.
Hang in there. Even Atlas has to put down the world sometimes…
To Canberra Boy, Poco, Other Lisa, keres, SanDiegoDem,Teacher Toni,CotterPerson, and NLinStPaul,
I’m sorry I didn’t get to respond to each of you the same way I tried to further up thread. I never anticipated (maybe hoped?) so many responses to this and seeing as I hate typing so much, I thought I did alright with my responses. Nah, the truth is that I wanted to inflate the comments and make the diary look more impressive by adding so many of my own ;o)
Seriously, today I was really, really uncomfortable seeing this up here all day. I considered asking you all to un-recommend it so it could slip out of sight faster. That’s my learned caution in revealing these specific aspects of my life to anyone at all, let alone out here in the open. Even as i feel safety here. But the more I thought about it, and reread the comments, I noticed that so many of you took this opportunity to reveal many similar things that you are experiencing, things i never knew about you. I started to think that maybe we all helped each other here almost as much as you all have come to my aide and helped me. Realizing this made it a lot less uncomfortable for me, and once again underscored what is at the core of this place, at least to me. That no matter where we come from, why, or how we fight, or not fight, in the end there is a feeling of goodwill, and an eagerness to help one another that separates this place from all others, at least for me.
So…thank you all one last time. Your concern, compassion, love and sharing of yourselves has overwhelmed me, and left me feeling much stronger and un-alone today.
Peace
Can anyone imagine this happening at Big Orange… ?
It is difficult to find words. My heart goes out to you Supersoling and also to the others here who suffer. My wife and I travel the same journey. We cherish the times between cycles. After over twenty years, I somehow remain mostly optimistic and hope for better days. Sometimes we get them. May you and your family come to find serenity and peace.
At first I was regretting the fact that I came so late to this diary, even though there was really nothing I could say beyond what others have said… but I did (and still do) want to offer my support.
Reading through it, though, and all the comments was… an experience. The very structure reminds me of a tree – the top branches drooping a bit at first, in need of substance, and then the support appearing underneath to shore up the top… some forming their own branches, dipping in their own wells of past and present pain to help pour healing waters on yours, while yet others come along to shore these up, lifting them up towards the top of the tree and the sunlight, offering their own balms.
All of it interconnected, sending strength where needed, up and down the line, the top of the tree and all the branches and the trunk now sturdier, fuller and sustained for a bit – leaving each with a little more than they came with.
Take care of yourself, Michael and I’m sure you’ll do what is best for you and your children, and your wife.