Come meet the face of dissident thought and organized terrorism facing the United States today: Hello! Fat Lady Sings, here! And I am about as dangerous a fugitive as there comes. I have read, in their entirety, the works of Voltaire, Sartre, Camus, Plato, Adler, Ionesco, De Sade (that ought to twist your knickers) Jefferson (as in ex-president) and that hothead of organized dissent – Benjamin Franklin (who happens to be a relative). I am also Irish – and that makes me ethnically dangerous as well. My Uncle stood up to Black Watch thugs in 1920 and was almost beaten to death for the privilege, and my cousin used to be Taoiseach – so you see – there is no hope; my gene pool has been irrevocably corrupted (O’Reilly notwithstanding). I know I should hang my head in shame – but I refuse! I am proud my people spawned the likes of Wilde and Shaw and C. S. Lewis (yes, that bastion of Christian thought was not only Irish but Catholic to boot!). I also hereby promise that on this March 17th I will join my fellow greenies and quaff generous amounts of Guinness in celebratory bliss. So put that in your pipe and smoke it!
And you don’t have to look far for my record! Oh no, ma petite! It’s in your own FBI files – go ahead; look carefully – its there; I know – I’ve seen a copy! During the late 1970’s I joined one of the most subversive organizations around; no, not the Communist Party (though I’ve read Marx, and trust me- it wasn’t much of a party). I became a card-carrying member of The Society for Creative Anachronism. Yes, I know I should once again hang my head in shame – but those swords and all that armor looked so inviting! Yet you saw through their medieval charade, didn’t you; and pegged them for the anti-American’s they truly are. I mean – these people frequent Ren-Faires, for heaven’s sake; and play D & D – a definite no no under Reagan’s heavy hand; not to mention conducting their own wars – without Herr Bush’s permission I might add! Hell – Nixon was convinced the SCA meant to blow up the Capital (though God knows no one at Pennsic would know a firearm if it shot them in the ass). So the government sent you, the Fucking Ball-busting Imbecile’s to suss it out. Pity your investigator decided to join up, though – wasn’t it? Doesn’t look good in the final analysis. I guess he got all corrupted and shit after whacking hay bales with a broadsword. Or maybe it was the kilt – you cannot discount the lure of homo-eroticism, you know. It’s what’s kept the military strong since history began.
How do I know all this? It’s in my file; along with that guy I dated when I was in High School whose dad worked with some mob idiots and (gasp!) worst of all – my college friend who had joined the evil Hispanic support gang Venceremos. Of course – there was that whole Cinque, SLA, Patty Hearst connection; and we might have been involved – but where did you think we kept her hidden? In our snoods? Guess it didn’t matter that they turned radical some years after she left – but it was terribly important to harass 18 year old girls back then. And you did such a crack-up job at it! Tapping her phone, following us around – those transcripts you made of our term paper discussions were pitch-perfect – word-for-word – but (shhhh – here’s a secret) that was code! You knew it then, you sly dogs – when you put down that she had a friend (me) whose boyfriend was (horror of horrors!) black. I guess that made me guilty by association – and that’s all the rage now, I hear. After all, didn’t I approach your surveillance vehicle and tell your agents to fuck off and die? Well there you go – a direct threat to the FBI and all of its employees! Why, I could have done more damage than John Walker Jr. or Robert Hanssen combined (though they really did catch you with your pants down – hmmm?).
Finally, let us not forget I have an ARREST record. Oh yes – you all remember – that unexpected stop in Madera, California, where I was arrested for being the only white girl in a car full of young black men – one of them being gay? Flamboyantly so, too! Sporting an afro, paisley pants, pointed collars and extra high daisy covered orange platform shoes! Horror of horrors – look who I was associating with – one religion major, a math whiz and a loquacious budding theatre professional named Theo; yes, all claimed to be college students going to Mexico for the weekend, but we know that was nothing but a ploy. After all, as the arresting officer so kindly pointed out – no decent white girl would be caught dead with a black man; so that makes me indecent, and you know how those evangelicals feel about decency! Of course, it may weaken your case that the judge let us all go after I promised to contact the media and raise a huge stink (didn’t want his quaint little town to look racist) – but you can always doctor the records to make it seem I was guilty. Something I suspect you have lots of experience with, yes? Why don’t you say we were all sporting Black Panther t-shirts, or carrying copies of Mao’s little red book. Though I’d nix the latter – might piss off the Chinese and screw up trade.
So here I am – The Fat Lady Sings – right out in the open where you cannot help but find me. I promise not to run and hide, either. And if it makes your job easier – I smoke pot (or used to), support human rights, have friends who are not either straight or white and point blank refuse to knuckle under to this illegitimate, criminal, immoral, iniquitous villain of a President and his cabal of convicts in waiting. So come and get me, motherfuckers; I’ll remember to leave the light on!
