“President Bush said Alito was ‘imminently qualified.’ Then he said ‘Unless imminently means not.'” –Conan O’Brien
It’s time I came out of the closet. Although many of you know me as judybrowni (or judybrownibot) the annoyingly persistent poster of links to anti-Alito actions, in real life I’m the mild-mannered (well, actually kinda bitchy) editor of a series of joke books (which include The Comedy Thesaurus).
I come from a yellow-dog Demcrat family (of at least four generations back), who also believed in the power of humor. As Sigmund Freud wrote in his book, Jokes and Their Relation to the Unconscious, “Every joke is a judgement.”
And I’ve even injected my general interest joke books with a progressive slant.
So much so, that I once received a letter from a wingnut with time on his hands, who complained that he’d counted 50 jokes in one of my books with a liberal bias. To which I replied, “If we have to deal with your dangerous clown of a President, the least you can do is take a joke — or 50 of them.”
Now that I’ve revealed myself, I’ve decided to combine my avocation with my vocation: every time I hit you up with an action, I’ll reward you with jokes.
“Observers say that Alito makes them miss the hyper-charged sexual electricity of a Ruth Bader Ginsburg.” –Conan O’Brien
“During Sen. Graham’s apology, Martha-Ann Bomgardner, Alito’s wife, was so overcome with emotion she broke down in tears and left the hearing. To get an abortion.” –Tina Fey
CALL YOUR SENATORS!
If Repug, tell them “No” to Alito; if Democrat: FILIBUSTER!
CONTACT YOUR SENATORS (Click here)
“They asked Alito a lot of questions, to see if he’s in touch with the average American. What is the price of a loaf of bread? How much is a gallon of milk? What is the cost to buy a congressman?” –Jay Leno
“According to a Finnish medical study, if you have a bad or incompetent boss, it increases your risk of a heart attack by 30%. More bad news for Dick Cheney.” –Jay Leno
“Have you watched any of these confirmation hearings for Supreme Court nominee Sam Alito? Senators are given thirty minutes to question the guy: thirty minutes exactly. Senator Joe Biden’s question took 23 1/2 minutes. And Alito is smart. He’s brilliant. Do you know what he said? ‘I’m sorry, could you repeat the question?'” –Jay Leno
“Have you been watching the Alito Supreme Court nomination hearings? The Democrats are upset, they’re crazy, they’re already accusing him of giving vague, contradictory answers. And Alito was on that, he shot back, ‘Maybe, maybe not.'” –David Letterman
Frist is denying Democrats time to speak on the floor. We need to get the word out about why Alito needs to be filibustered: Write a letter to the editor of your local newspaper.
“Supreme Court confirmation hearings are under way for Judge Samuel Alito. It’s pretty interesting. Democrats want to know his position on privacy, while Republicans want to know his position on prison terms for bribery.” –Jay Leno
“The American Bar Association gave Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito their highest rating. President Bush gave Alito his highest rating, too, because he called him ‘Super’ and ‘Duper.'” –Conan O’Brien
“A Texas paper is reporting that lobbyist Jack Abramoff charged a client $25,000 to have lunch with President Bush. Not surprisingly, this is the most anyone has ever payed for lunch at Chuck E. Cheese.” –Conan O’Brien
Phone, fax, and email addresses for the Judiciary Committee.
“There was also the emotionally-charged saga of Mrs. Alito. I myself will never forget the sight of her crying as she listened to Sen. Lindsey Graham defend her husband from Democratic attacks on his character. It was a sign of how brutal and hard-hitting these hearings can be, especially for a woman who, due to a tragic laundry accident, was forced to show up wearing her grandmother’s couch.” –“Daily Show” correspondent Ed Helms
“The government is scheduled to launch a mission to Pluto. Apparently this is President Bush’s last chance to find those weapons of mass destruction.” –Jay Leno
“Democrats are worried Alito might be a threat to the Endangered Species List. They started worrying about the Endangered Species List when they found out they were on it.” –Jay Leno
And here’s your government at work. This week — this week, the Consumer Product Safety Commission issued a recall for thousands of Christmas lights that they say may pose a risk of electric shock. They’re recalling Christmas lights. Good timing. What is it, January now? You think this is maybe where the ex-head of FEMA wound up?” –Jay Leno
People for the American Way has collected nearly 65,000 signatures to send to the Senate, please add yours: Save the Court Petition
“President Bush was asked how he came up with a conservative like Alito, and he said he got the idea over the weekend while turning the clocks back.” –Jay Leno
“It was reported this week that when he was in college, Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito supported gay rights. Apparently, his exact words were ‘Let’s get Jenn and Stacy drunk and see if they make out.'” –Conan O’Brien
“If Judge Alito is confirmed, this is an interesting fact, there would be two sitting Supreme Court justices from New Jersey. Experts say this could cause a reversal in the famous case of Mullet vs. Backhair.” –Conan O’Brien
CALL YOUR SENATORS!
If Repug, tell them “No” to Alito; if Democrat: FILIBUSTER!
CONTACT YOUR SENATORS (Click here)
“The president tried to counter the growing criticism of his Iraq policy by gathering together 13 former secretaries of defense and state, a regular who’s who of who’s blown up what. … Also on the guest list, Robert McNamara, defense secretary during the Vietnam era. The White House invited him to ensure that at least someone in the room had fu*ked up more than they have.” –Jon Stewart
“Big battle brewing in the Senate over the Bush’s Supreme Court nominee, Samuel Alito. Bush said the reason he chose Alito was because he did such a good job in the O.J. trial” –Jay Leno
Frist is denying Democrats time to speak on the floor. We need to get the word out about why Alito needs to be filibustered: Write a letter to the editor of your local newspaper.
“Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito says he’s embarrassed by some of the things he wrote in the 1980’s. Yeah, apparently Alito wrote the song ‘Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go.'” –Conan O’Brien