Author: bood abides

New ad which will appear in the Sunday edition of the New York Times

New York, NY (Rotters)- In a vote of 3,100,000 to 100,000 yesterday, the members of a massive nationwide progressive political action group voted overwhelmingly to place a second ad in the New York Times this weekend condemning the U.S. Congress for wasting time condemning a previous ad condemning General David Petraeus as “General Betray us”. The ad implies that both houses of Congress, in particular the leadership, are “Ass-kissing little chickenshits”, a term which has been used to refer to General Petraeus by his superiors in the past.
The text of the full page advertisement in it’s entirety stated:

Congress is a group of elected officials constantly at war with the electorate. In 2006 they continually insisted that if elected they would bring an end to the disastrous war and ongoing occupation of Iraq.  Last week the leaders of both branches said, “We have achieved progress, and we are obviously going to do everything that we can to build on the progress.”

Yesterday, they had the opportunity to pass two important bills to advance their support for our troops in Iraq and alter the direction of the ongoing catastrophe. Instead they chose to condemn an article placed in the New York Times. We hear of bruised egos, hurt feelings, and improprieties.  But we don’t hear of how many more troops will be hurt or killed because of their willful inaction.

More importantly, Congress cannot admit what everyone knows: Iraq is a bloodbath with or without us.  They will not admit that American troops are condemned to remain in Iraq through at least one more election cycle.

CENTCOM Commander Admiral William Fallon has referred to “Surge Architect”
General David Petraeus has an “Ass-kissing little chickenshit”, far worse than the “Betray Us” invective coined by his own troops and pointed out by us. Today, perhaps, it is Congress that has actually betrayed us.

Congress has vowed to convene a special session this weekend to vote on another condemnation of the latest ad. Preliminary polling of the Senate indicates that the condemnation would pass handily with 80 votes for and 20 votes against. This margin guarantees that there would be no veto from the president.

The White House refused to directly comment on either the ad or Congress’s proposed response. “Unlike the blatantly partisan smear directed at General Petraeus, they may actually have a point here,” stated White House spokesperson Dana Perino. “The President is happy to see the national dialogue gravitate towards these more important and debatable issues, but is clearly disappointed over the language.”

BLACKWATER

Well, we don’t need no draft, in this war we’re promotin
That ol’ Euphrates, she’s crawlin in shame
Blackhawks are thumpin
That minigun’s  pumpin
Blackwater keeps throwin Iraq to the grave

Oh Blackwater, rockin and rollin
Mercenary Goons , don’t you keep on shootin at me
Oh Blackwater, rockin and rollin
Mercenary Goons , don’t you keep on shootin at me
Oh Blackwater, rockin and rollin
Mercenary Goons , don’t you keep on shootin at me
Yeah, keep Shiites in your sights
Gonna grease everything, from a hummer
Gonna grease everything all night
And we ain’t facin juries
For complaints as they  scurry and fall

Hell, we rain lead, we don’t care
Don’t make no difference who flees
Just stop that neat car from blowin up now
Yeah, I’d like to see that punk named Cheney stand
Stop the dance and walk th’ walk
And we’d be fillin all the body bags all roun

Oh Blackwater, rockin and rollin
Mercenary Goons , don’t you keep on shootin at me
Oh Blackwater, rockin and rollin
Mercenary Goons , don’t you keep on shootin at me
Oh Blackwater, rockin and rollin
Mercenary Goons , don’t you keep on shootin at me
Yeah, keep them Sunnis in sight
Gonna strafe everything, from a hummer
Gonna strafe everything all night
We ain’t facin no juries
No complaints as they scurry and fall

I’d like to see that punk named Cheney stand
By my hummer come and bake here in the sand
In the sand, bake here in the sand by my hummer
Walk th’ walk, who’s your daddy, we’ll live long
Wanna see that honky balk, honky balk, honky balk
We’ll shoot all night long

Bring it on baby! Bring it on baby! All night long!

Profound apologies to Patrick Simmons, and one of the greatest groups of all time, The Doobie Brothers

Former pop star Britney Spears and Al-Qaeda front man Osama bin-Laden rehearsing for upcoming video

Hollywood, CA (O! Online) – Reporters for O! Online have learned that there are plans in the works for a possible joint comeback tour for Britney Spears featuring Osama bin Laden. This comes after independent disastrous performances by both over this past weekend. Bin Laden had released his latest video, which has been universally panned by critics for its post-editing flaws and obvious overdubbing and lip sync problems. A noticeably nervous Britney Spears was blasted last night for her performance in her long heralded comeback appearance on the MTV Video Music Awards. Spears was noted to suffer as well some of the same lip sync problems and lack of animation as displayed by bin Laden during her performance last night.

Noted terrorist video producer Adam Gadahn, or “Azzam the American”, stepped forward last night on an Islamic fundamentalist website to claim responsibility for bin Laden’s poor performance in his latest video.
“No one was more disappointed than me,” stated Gadahn, “and honestly I came this close to being decapitated. It was a real miscalculation upon my part, and the new material we came up with for Osama just didn’t work. Also, but this is no excuse, choreography, rehearsal, and other production concerns are a little difficult in a safe house.”

A spokesperson for Ms. Spears who was contacted admitted that a possible deal was in the works, and that the previously frosty relationship between Spears and bin Laden had been warming somewhat. Spears, a formerly adamant supporter of President Bush and his policies has said after 9/11, “I think we should all just trust the president”, but now may be rethinking her affiliation over the five year Iraq war.

Photographs from rehearsals are rumored to have have cropped up on the Internet, but spokespersons for both artists have denied that any collaboration has begun in earnest as yet.

A number of sticking points between both artists have been identified.

Spears reportedly has been adamant in her refusal to wear the black sequined burka insisted upon by bin Laden stating that, “it chafes”. After critics made light of her possible weight gain during her MTV performance last night, Spears is rumored to be reconsidering the burka. A deal has also reportedly been worked out in which Spears, who has had to face growing criticism over her parenting, will hand over childcare responsibilities of sons Sean Preston and Jayden James to a local Los Angeles madrasa.

The Spears camp reportedly has been concerned in regards to bin Laden’s overall stage presentation, but his recent trim and dye job appears to have alleviated this. Bin Laden’s insistence upon a position for his niece, performer Wafah Dufour, had been a minor sticking point, but a spokesperson for Spears stated that they have given her, “a second look”. The Spears spokesperson admitted that Dufour was very attractive, and talented, and could possibly be featured as a backup singer and dancer to Britney.

“Give Me Bush” will reportedly be the first collaborative video between the two.

“This one could really be magical and controversial,” stated Hollywood critic Jiminy Glick. “Let’s be honest, both of these folks are going nowhere right now. They just may be able to provide that certain creative spark for each other that will allow them to be able to electrify audiences once again. Everything has changed since 9/11.”

The Unofficial Official Rules of Surgeball

The Unofficial Official Rules of Surgeball

 1.1   Do not talk about Surgeball.

1.2   You do not talk about Surgeball, there is no debate.

1.3   If someone says “stop” they’re limp and liberal, Surgeball’s not over.

1.4   Only 12 factions to Surgeball at a time.

1.5   Surgeball will go on until the decider says it is over.

1.6   If this is your first Surgeball, and you have money or you’re a Republican, you don’t have to play.

1.7   All players must wear Surgeball armor and masks.  No one questions the armor.

*IMPORTANT — the following rules are subject to be changed, amended, deleted, or ignored if the decider is involved.

2.1 The decider may declare a new rule at any point in Surgeball.  The decider may do this audibly or clandestinely, depending upon what zone his opponents are in.

2.2 The decider may use the Surgeball in any way the decider sees fit, whether it be to incur injury upon other players, or to deny benefits for the players.

2.3 Any penalty legislation may be in the form of rendition, slander, or any degradation the decider wishes to execute upon the other player.

2.4 The Surgeball field should consist of tiny areas or zones which are governed by a set of rulers decided upon by the decider.  Zones may appear, shrink, and disappear as often and whenever the decider decides. For example a green zone would enable the decider to subcontract any services. Or a pernicious car bomb place would require the decider to deny what the name implies. Or an opposite zone would enable the decider to declare reverse casualties and blame them on the others.

2.5 Swag shall be stolen by players whom the decider has also assigned the power and rules which shall govern that swag.

2.6 Spins are an integral part of Surgeball, and talking points must be broadcast spontaneously throughout the game when constantly denied screw ups occur.

2.7 Score, if kept, may be fudged or disregarded.  In the event that score is kept, it shall have no bearing on Surgeball nor shall it have any legal consequences.

Any rule above that is carried out during the course of Surgeball may be recycled repeatedly, in the event that it causes the same result as the previous game. Surgeball must always be played out the same way.

CLICK TO ENLARGE

Surgeball Equipment

3.1 Mask-All participants are required to mask their true objectives

3.2 Surgeball – A Surgeball may be made of yellowcake uranium, or oil fields, hardened military bases, or any other unreasonable goal.

3.3 Surgeball Field- The Surgeball field should be any small to moderate sized, poorly defended country, preferably with desert, rocks, sand, oil, and other natural resources.

3.4 Miscellaneous- Other optional equipment includes swag, benchmarks, helicopters, tanks, Humvees, mosques, phosphor, landmines, IED’s, and anything else the decider wishes to include.

Apologies to one of my favorite cartoonists, Bill Watterson.

 

Six of twelve lucky servicemen set for early rotation home aboard Air Force One

Al-Anbar, Iraq (Rotters) – Citing tremendous successes with his surge strategy during a surprise visit to Iraq, President Bush today announced that the Pentagon would be able to begin sending a number of GIs home early. A dozen servicemen will accompany the president to Australia for his meeting with Australian President John Howard and the APEC conference, after which they will return home to an early discharge if desired, with full honors.

President Bush informing a unit stationed in Al-Anbar province that one of their members had been selected for early rotation home.

The president cited the individuals and the work they had done as evidence that his surge strategy was continuing to pay off. He stated that their sacrifice had ultimately rewarded themselves with an earlier rotation home as many of their comrades have endured extended 15 month or longer tours.

“Iraqi civilian deaths are way up over the last few months,” stated Bush , “which is evidence that Al Qaeda is becoming more desperate. Every dead Iraqi means one more that won’t be attacking our troops or being threatened by Al Qaeda.”

“We’ve all got to continue to make sacrifices in the war on terror,” Bush stated to reporters. “As you might know Laura didn’t accompany me on this trip because of problems with her back. There was plenty of room for her to recline and fly in comfort, but instead she elected to give up her seat for one of these fine young men.”

The White House stated that they were anticipating being able to rotate home another 500 troops by years end, provided Congress elected to continue funding the war effort.

Hillary Clinton at a campaign appearance with newest campaign staffer Karl Rove

Washington, DC (UPSI) – In a stunning yet somewhat predictable turn of events this morning the Hillary Clinton campaign announced the hiring of soon to be resigning Bush aide and master strategist, Karl Rove. Rove had appeared on a number of news and opinion shows over the past weekend during which he declared Clinton to be the likely Democratic presidential candidate, and one whom he described as “fatally flawed”.
“Our curiosity was ultimately piqued by what Mr. Rove considered the Senator’s fatal flaw,” stated a Clinton campaign staffer. “The desire to see Ms. Clinton as the ultimate nominee is one which we of course have in common, and his would most certainly be a valuable insight.”

Clinton welcomed Rove on board the campaign team last night at a public appearance, stating that he would be joining after his formal resignation from the Bush administration takes effect on August 31. The Clinton campaign refused to speculate over rumors that a deal had been struck in regards to the possibility of Mr. Rove having to testify before Congress in connection with alleged misdeeds.

“What can I say, I love a challenge and the money was good,” stated Mr. Rove after the campaign appearance. “These character flaws are a piece of cake considering what I’ve had to work with in the past. I sincerely do believe that I can ultimately hand her the Democrat nomination. The archetype of the cuckold will be a tough workaround, but you go to the election with the candidate that you’d like and not necessarily the one that you have.”

President Bush moments before being bundled aboard Marine One for an emergency flight to Bethesda Naval Hospital

Kennebunkport, MN (APE) – President Bush was rushed via Marine One back to Bethesda Naval Hospital for emergent treatment of what doctors suspect was an exacerbation of chronic problems with lime. The president had flown earlier in the day to his parent’s compound in Kennebunkport, for an extended visit and vacation with France’s newly elected president Nicolas Sarcozy. Mr Bush apparently collapsed after losing an impromptu foot race with the French president, and after taking a few sips of a beverage for re hydration, according to the White House. This incident occurs after the president was given a clean bill of health by physicians following extensive examinations this week.
The White House stated earlier today that 5 non-cancerous polyps were removed from Mr. Bush’s colon this past weekend, and that his personal physician had admitted that the president had been treated successfully earlier this year for a previous problem with lime. The president had fallen ill at the G-8 summit, missing but a morning of talks thanks to his doctor’s interventions.

“Naturally, some degree of dehydration might have had a hand, today,” stated Dr. Richard Tubb, personal physician to the president, “but the real culprit appears to have been the lime. The president was hot, and thirsty after the run and simply didn’t realized that the lime was in his beverage. Lime can lead to all sorts of complications from nausea and vomiting all the way to asphyxiation and allergic reactions in sensitive individuals. The president was also taking medications that might have interacted adversely with the beverage itself.”

Upon further questioning from reporters, Dr. Tubb admitted that a complete psychiatric evaluation had not been a part of the routine physical workup the president had received over the last few days.

A White House spokesperson stated that the president was resting comfortably and that presidential power had been turned over to Vice President Cheney until further notice. A spokesperson for the Vice President, currently in an undisclosed location, stated that Mr. Cheney was not worried in the slightest over the president’s state of mind and had in fact rushed staffers to his bedside to consult and pursue authorization for important defense issues.

Space station astronauts on a recent EVA removing what was originally described as an ammonia tank from the space station

Houston, TX (APE) – NASA authorities are today admitting that the ongoing investigation into alcohol consumption by astronauts is now to include current and former occupants of the international space Station.  NASA officials have stated that they wish to question the current occupants of the space station specifically over the recent EVA in which an “ammonia tank” was removed and controversially jettisoned into space as junk

Close-up of an official NASA photo from a recent EVA

Upon closer scrutiny of official NASA photos, experts are now saying that in actuality the equipment that was jettisoned into space amounted to a specially designed 55 L keg. Officials are rumored to also be interested in discussing with astronauts the contents of an EVA suit presumably containing “space junk” which was jettisoned some years ago.

“Admittedly this is a high stress job with a severe degree of loneliness and isolation,” stated a NASA official, “but we have made more mission appropriate accommodations such as stationary bikes and other exercise equipment to relieve stress. There is simply no excuse for the risk that this type of behavior engenders.”

A Tanzanian man displays what appears to be a fused wine bottle which he claims landed in his flower bed

After consultation with legal experts, NASA officials are also expressing some fears over possible liability in regards to unauthorized jettisoning on the part of space station crews.  This comes at a time when there has been an increase in claims worldwide of sightings and damage from items that appear to have reentered the atmosphere and come to earth as “meteors”. Previously, NASA has maintained that occasional re-entries were mathematically insignificant in that they were done in a highly calculated and controlled manner.  Legal experts now maintain that alcohol consumption may open the door to successful litigation and recovery of damages in such instances.

Veteran US Astronaut Roy Fleming

US astronaut Roy Fleming, a veteran of the Gemini, Apollo, and the space shuttle programs has reluctantly come forward in support of his fellow astronauts.  He maintains that alcohol consumption is nothing new throughout the history of spaceflight and that sometimes a little “liquid courage” is warranted.

“If you think about it,” said Fleming, “historically these guys, and now gals, have always been sitting atop what amounts to a huge time bomb if things don’t go right.  Who in their right mind would deny somebody a drink in that situation?  It’s not like they are actually piloting the spacecraft anymore, it’s all done with multiple redundancies from the ground.”

“It is a lonely job,” continued Fleming, “and believe it or not, there tends to be a lot of boredom. It’s a real rush to drop your dead soldiers from the ultimate highway overpass… I’ve done it, and just about everyone in the program would probably admit to having dropped something.”

“Things have changed an awful lot in the last few years under the current Bush administration,”  stated Fleming. “Just about all of us are scientists but we have been pretty well muzzled when it comes to discussing important things such as the space program and global warming.  I suppose one could argue that this may have led to an increased rate of alcohol consumption as well.”

NASA officials stated that their investigation would continue and announced that they would be shortly unveiling a 12 step program to address the problem.

“We are looking to be totally honest and forthright about the situation,” stated NASA chief Mike Griffin.”The first step is to recognize that you have a problem.”

Two suspected British terrorists detained at Miami International Airport

Miami, FL (APE) – Transportation Security Administration authorities today confirmed the arrest of two British suspects in connection with a recent spate of what are described as “dry run” airline bombings. Authorities stated that the two may likely have been complicit in what are described as fake devices using modeling clay or block cheese that were seized in four separate incidents in the last two years at various US airports.
The two were detained at Miami international Airport upon entering the US from Great Britain. At a routine customs inspection, carry-on luggage was found to contain timers, wiring, screws, batteries and other unspecified gadgets apparently duct taped to three blocks of “Wensleydale Cheese” , and 5 pounds of flesh colored modeling clay. The cheese appeared to have been densely coated with chopped walnuts to produce a shrapnel effect upon detonation.

Officials stated that one suspect has given the authorities the name of “Wallace”, but is refusing to divulge a surname. The second suspect has steadfastly refused to speak with authorities and appears to interact with the first through means of a special visual code and gestures, leading authorities to suspect that he may indeed be the mastermind. “Wallace” has thus far maintained his innocence and has denied any terrorist affiliations for the two, and insists that the cheese, modeling clay, and other devices were necessary for his work as a self-proclaimed inventor.

Authorities urged Americans to remain frightened, but not overly so. The FBI and CIA are investigating the possibility that the two suspects may have indeed posed as physicians and a variety of other occupations in the past.

Homeland Security Chief Michael Chertoff issued a brief statement praising the efforts of domestic security services in the unraveling of the Miami plot, and urging Americans to maintain vigilance. “Always trust your gut on these things,” Chertoff stated to reporters, “unless, of course, you happen to be lactose intolerant.”

Vice President Dick Cheney exits his limousine after a private showing of the new Harry Potter movie “Order of the Phoenix”

Washington, DC (APE) – Daily activities around a Washington, DC Megaplex ground to a halt late yesterday afternoon as the vice president and his security contingent swooped in for an unannounced visit and the vice president took time out from his busy schedule to enjoy the latest Harry Potter film. Disgruntled moviegoers were forced to accept refunds or tickets for alternative shows as the entire complex was shut down by the Secret Service for over three hours.
Mr. Cheney is reportedly a silent but avid fan of author JK Rowling’s immensely popular series of children’s books, and he yesterday apparently succumbed like other fans worldwide to the urge to view Hollywood’s latest movie offering.

“I would tend to disagree with many in our conservative religious base who feel that there is something evil or satanic about these stories and characters,” stated Mr. Cheney. “For God sakes, they celebrate Christmas and Halloween just like anyone else in the books. On the contrary, there are many valuable lessons for America’s youth in regards to fear, loyalty, the effective use of power, and the importance of keeping secrets that are stressed throughout the books and movies.”

Over identification with fictional characters “a waste of time” according to Vice President

“Of course you are going to have people out there who tend to get a little fanatical, and go overboard on some of these things,” countered Cheney. “Dressing as your favorite character, or spending any time at all imagining you’re Harry Potter, let’s say, is a little frivolous and a waste of time.”

Reporters present then asked the vice president if he was planning on reading the final installment of the seven book series when it is released on the 21st and what he thought would happen to the boy wizard in the end.

“I’ll have to say that Ms. Rowling has been a real trooper, and the ending that she came up with after working very closely with us on our suggested revisions is overall outstanding.” concluded Cheney. “I’m afraid that I’ll have to claim executive privilege for now as to the final outcome, but let’s just say that I’m very satisfied with what finally happens to Mr. Potter.”