Please note: A different version of this diary was posted over at dKos the other day. There have been numerous changes to format and some content plus a bonus link that was not in the earlier dKos diary post. This bonus link will be highlighted with the words “Bonus Link”, thus making it easier for fewer people to find it.
If you would like to see what this looks like with the nifty text boxes please click here. It’s a comment in a dead diary. Don’t ask. Because of html limitations I could not include The Dude’s Pix section. No big loss, but The Dude is pissed. (see below)
Dread: This diary is rated F for frivolity. It is specifically designed to be viewed by adults with a sense of humor and therefore may be unsuitable for those only interested in Pulitzer grade political material. If you are easily offended, you probably want to move along to another diary. This diary may contain one or more of the following: Hostess Zingers (HZ), explicit GIF & JPEG activity (GJ), critter pics (CP), fun (F), crude indecent language (L), dog farts (DF), links to stupid time wasting stuff that may or may not be fun (WTF) and craven stupidity from my co-host (CSFS).
Smee: Hey!
Dread: This diary contains no soy products or additives with extraordinary long names. Also, we provide a heads up for potential spoilers on “Deadwood” and “Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle” in this gig.
In the bowels of an old abandoned disco radio station booth a couple of figures lay hunched over their laptops. The studio is littered with packages and the detritus of packages of Hostess Zingers. There’s a bottle of Patron Reposada tequila (baby, who needs friends) in the grasp of one and an Orange Crush in the clutches of the other. One figure starts to mumble; the mumbling takes the form of a moan and then the words:
No Halle, baby, I swear, I really liked “Cat Woman”. It was a great career move.
Dread: Smee! Wake up, it’s time!
With your hosts Dread & Smee.
Dread: Welcome to our first show. We got our start over at Cheers & Jeers a couple of weeks or so ago and, well, we figured we were ready for the big time. A very own diary. It’s guaranteed to be a downright mess. Right, Smee? What are you doing?
Smee: Looking for my Backwards Bush.
Dread: Your what?
Smee: My Backwards Bush. It’s a little keychain that counts down the hours until the moron is out.
Dread: Alright I checked out the link. I like number 2 on the top ten reasons to have one: Wearing one around your neck keeps Republicans away and smells much better than garlic.
What’s your fav?
Smee: Tough question. I think No 6: It’s worth it just to see how pissed off Republicans get when they see it.
And boy, do they get pissed off. It’s fun to piss off Republicans. They get all bugged-eyed and veins a-poppin’ pissed off.
Dread: I like going for the bright red throbbing vein in the forehead pissed-off level. When it turns blue I usually book. Blue on a Republican just ain’t right.
So what happens if the Backwards Bush stops before the time is up? Are we stuck with him?
Smee: Oh man, don`t even fuxking go there.
Dread: Fuxking?
Smee: New word, just made it up this morning in the shower. Like it?
Dread: No. So, what do we have on tap this week?
Smee: Da Da Daaaaaa!
The Bankruptcy Bill.
Smee: So let’s see if I got this correct. There are safeguards in this bill to protect the asses of the rich…
Dread: Assets.
Smee: What?
Dread: You said “asses”, I think you meant “assets”.
Smee: And there’s, like…a difference?
Dread: Touche.
Smee: Okay, protects the assets of the rich while screwing over anyone without a trust fund or sugar daddy.
Dread: Correct.
Smee: So, why didn’t they just call it the Kenny Boy Bill? I mean, he declared bankruptcy; this bill would save his ass and his assets, not that either are in much danger, with his ol’ pal Georgie at the helm. What they are saying any rich prick who decides to cheat and bankrupt the pensions of their workers gets a free pass, while those workers, who may have to declare bankruptcy because said prick cheated and bankrupted them, get the old Bush (you are not my constituency) finger?
Dread: There’s more, but that pretty much sums up at least one aspect.
Smee: Well aren’t we all just good and f*cked.
Dread: Since November 2nd, my friend.
Smee: So when does the revolution begin? I believe we just heard our greedy and fearless “leaders” say, “Let them eat cake.” Again.
Dread: Zinger?
Smee: Sure. Thanks, man.
<theme music from “Men In Black”>
Dread: You know what that means?
Smee: No, what?
Dread: It’s time for…
aka She who guards the gate to a thousand hell-like places.
Rants: Alright, I am plunging right in and ready to toss an asshole or two into the Ultimate Hell of the Naked Newt Gingriches.
Aha! Among the thousands this week we have two such worthy individuals who deserve a special space in this most evil of hells: Senators Joe Biden & Joe Leiberman. It’s an attack of the Joes. I condemn them for one week for real and imagined crimes against this High Warrior Priestess.
JB, you are a mealy mouthed pretender. To think I once had a measure of respect for you. If you think you have a chance of getting a presidential nomination, be assured that your chance is currently residing on the Hell of Not F*cking Likely, where it will reside for all of eternity if I have anything to do with it.
JL, you are a complete and total disgrace to the Democratic Party. We should make you wear a big red “R” around your neck for your transgressions. If I could, I would condemn you to Naked Newt Hell for the next four years (or until they throw your lame ass out on the sidewalk, whichever comes first) and I would also throw a couple of Naked Bony Assed Ann Coulters and a dozen or so naked Margaret Thatchers in to make your agony in the Ultimate Hell of the Naked Newts complete.
I also condemn Bill Maher to the Hell of the Dripping Corn Syrup for his lameness of two weeks straight. Maher appears to be going sweet on Bush, and I am not talking about the good kind of bush. I have a fondness for mulberry, myself. I do not care if they did grab his ass and put him into the brink with a farting cellmate during hiatus. I banish this worthless worm from my Friday night schedule and wish him Priestess-speed to CNBC where he can rot in obscurity with that other candy ass (made, no doubt with the dreaded evil corn syrup) former HBO talk show host – the craven worm, Dennis Miller. I command that Ali G has the strength to resist the HBO curse.
I condemn to The Hell of Shitty Sitcom Remakes, NBC for trying to do an American version of BBC’s “The Office”. I do not give a f*cking fig leaf if the wonderful Steve Carell of “The Daily Show” is one of the stars. It did not work with “Coupling”, why the hell do they think it will work with “The Office”? Although The Priestess hopes she is wrong about this because of her fondness for Steve, she does not have high hopes.
And why, oh why cannot the Priestess locate those lovely large chocolate covered coconut Easter Eggs from her youth. It sucks and makes her unhappy. And no one likes The Priestess when she is unhappy.
The Priestess Has Spoken
Smee: Thanks, Rants.
Rants: That’s “Your Priestessness”, worm.
Smee: Uh, okay, your Highness.
What the f*ck do you mean you can’t post my stuff? I’m pissed. See? This is The Dude being pissed.
Dread: It’s getting late so it’s time for
Dread: Okay, so since we’ve been on the run from the FCC and The Ninja Sisters of No Mercy…
Smee: Not to mention the Castle Rock Public Library for overdue book fees.
Dread: Almost forgot that, they are the most vicious of the bunch. Anyway, we can’t catch flicks when they’re brand spanking new, so we have to review flicks that have been out for…
Smee: Like, forever, man.
Dread: Yeah. Well, this week we watched “Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle”.
Smee: Great flick.
Dread: It was okay.
Smee: C’mon, Doogie Hauser getting dooooowwn and hot chicks.
Dread: There were loads of gratuitous boob shots, yes.
Smee: And that’s a problem for you?
Dread: No, but it didn’t live up to the hype, is all I’m saying.
Smee: You’re just pissed that they ragged on “Sixteen Candles”.
Dread: No, I’m not.
Smee: Sure you are.
Dread: Here’s the story: Howard & Kumar get high, H&K want to go to White Castle to satisfy munchies, H&K hit road trip hilarity and stock ridiculous situations along the way. We’ve seen it before. The Wilson-Phillips car sing-a-long was the worst movie cliché I’ve seen in a long time. No one will ever top Wayne & Garth, so just stop trying.
Besides the pot, the boobs, and the road trip, the movie did have an interesting Savage Steve Holland sort of vibe in spots. For those who don’t remember or don’t care, Savage Steve wrote and directed “One Crazy Summer” and the great “Better Off Dead” with one of our favorite dudes, John Cusak.
Smee: “Two dollars!” Yeah, it was like they were channeling Savage Steve with the dancing burgers, although that it was stop motion dancing burgers to Van Halen in BOD. Totally bitchin’. It was also a lot like the Beavis and Butthead movie.
Dread: What? Are you nuts?
Smee: The weird trippy stuff when they were in the desert.
Dread: Beavis and Butthead is animated, Smee. The whole damn thing is animated! “Harold and Kumar” was not an animated movie. You’re such a gowk.
Smee: But the weird trippy stuff is the same.
Dread: You’re hopeless.
Smee: I know what I am, but what are you?
<Dread shakes head>
Smee: What? Metabets! I’m gonna go with 88.
Dread: Please. 70, at best.
Dread: 64! I win! You get to clean out the ogre’s den.
Smee: Whatever. I give this one five Zingers.
Dread: Boob whore. Two and a half Zingers from me.
Smee: You suck, man, Molly Ringwald just ain’t worth your devotion.
Dread: You promised you wouldn’t mention her name.
Smee: Admit it. “Pretty in Pink” pretty much blew chunks all over “Sixteen Candles”. They can’t all be winners, dude, get over it.
<bzzz-Ow!>
Dread: You said <bzzz-Ow!> you wouldn’t <bzzz-Ow!> say her name <bzzz-Ow!> again! <bzzz>
Smee: Ow! Cool! Where did you get the cattle prod?
Dread: In Clix today we have a couple of ways to spend you free time that you don’t have. First up join us for art class in Mr. Picassohead.
<warning: load time for Picasso gallery seems to be slow today>
You too can be like Pablo and play around in wild and wooly Picassoland. Here’s my artistic masterpiece.
Smee: Here is mine. Ma already has a copy on the fridge.
Dread: The other click we came across is a bit of fun in the wedding announcement page.
Smee: Oh man, my favorite here is Butts-McCrackin and Drinkwine-Layer.
Dread: Fight The Bull. Gotta love this one, Smee.
In their own words:
The rumors were true. Bullshit now has a number. And you now have the power to calculate it, using the freeware** originally produced by Deloitte Consulting but now distributed as a standalone product.
Dread: Let’s move along to our spotlight weekly review where every week is a week in Deadwood. Until the season ends.
“A Lie Agreed Upon, Part 1&2”
Dread: Deadwood: You can’t spit in this town without hitting a c*cks_cker.
Smee: Swearengen rocks!
Dread: Okay, but what did you think of the show?
Smee: It was like being thrown into a Tilt-A-Whirl mid-spin for part 1, but I was in the grove for part 2.
Dread: “Groove.”
Smee: No man, I actually was in the grove. It took about twenty 100-foot extension cords to get there, but it…
Dread: I don’t want to know. I was in the groove on two, but one was little disconcerting at first. How about that Alma?
Smee: Brought the freaking house down. Would you like some ceiling with your eggs and cockroach biscuits? A slut. Or is it a whore?
Dread: Slut. But Smee she’s in love.
Smee: What was it with the wooly caterpillar on her underarms?
Dread: That was underarm hair, Smee. Deal with it. Now Mrs. Bullock, what did you think of her?
Smee: She’s perfect for Seth.
Dread: Why do you say that?
Smee: Because she obviously buys the stick she puts up her ass at the same Ass-stick merchant as Seth. Boomer’s Ass-sticks: for when you absolutely positively don’t want to look cool.
Dread: Cripes, Smee.
Smee: I’m just joshing, she’s okay. She shares our “WTF does that word mean” award with Doc. I loved the “Escape From Dolly’s Thumb” scene. I also like when Saul went nuts on Seth, “And I like saying “c*cks_cker”, you c*cks_cker!”
Dread: My favorite scenes were Jane’s telling of her suitor and I also liked Al’s escape attempt from Dolly’s thumb. Any other thoughts?
Smee: Not enough Doc in the first one, good to see Ellsworth and Charlie Utter get primo screen time. Joanie is still easy on the eyes and Tolliver is a mad f*cker. Jane is back in the saddle!!! Or not, really since she fell out of it. She totally rules!!! “C*cks_ckers!” One line, and classic Jane intro. And Saul with that tiny pistol; he obviously doesn’t have compensation issues. He must be packing some real heat. Trixie offering up the six shooter in ep 2 might mean she thinks he isn’t packing all that much after all. Tolliver was the standout here. Creepy psycho, but smart.
Dread: Yeah Powers Booth scares the hell out of me. I see an Emmy in his future if he keeps up this intensity. Not surprisingly, Al has the clap. Which brings us to our first WTF? word uttered by Doc Cochoran on ep 2: gleets. Skip this if you’re eating.
gleet, noun
Inflammation of the urethra resulting from chronic gonorrhea and characterized by a mucopurulent discharge.
The discharge that is characteristic of this inflammation.
Here’s more about self-abuse and gleets for those interested.
The second WTF? word was “bundling board”.
Smee: Ooo, you don’t know what a bundling board is? I do. It’s a board you use to bundle your jockeys up before tossing them in the dirty clothes basket so no one can see the skid marks. What kind of cruel bitch removes a guy’s jockey bundling board? Really?
Dread: <silence>
Smee: I mean a guy should be able to rely on his jockey bundling board. Skid marks can be pretty embarrassing. What a bitch. Right?
Dread: <silence>
Smee: Right?
Dread: Shutup, Smee. A bundling board is a nearly body-length piece of wood secured upright between the lovers. Or non-lovers, as this case may be.
Smee: Really?
Dread: Really.
Smee: Then what’s the board you bundling up your dirty skid-marked jockeys on called?
<bzzzz> Ow!
Interesting bundling board info here.
Quotes from the top of our head since we didn’t write `em down when we had the chance.
Calamity Jane: And I just farted, so what.
Johnny Burns: Either Al got God or Dolly just stuck her thumb back up his ass.
Dread: My take on the combined episodes. Five Zingers! Excellent!
Smee: Me too. Five Zingers!
What TV show do you absolutely, positively, have to catch, be it by TIVO, tape, or lying to your friends about your availability to come to their important dinner party because you want to watch it “live”?
Last, but not least we have:
kibosh Noun. To end, to terminate, to finish off. E.g.”We were kiboshed as soon as we set off.” See ‘put the kibosh on’.
Dread: Well it’s time to put the kibosh on our broadcast day. We’ll probably be back next week with an all new edition jam packed with new features, recurring insanity and lots and lots of mental pain for the masochistic of you lot.
Smee: If they got this far they must be into pain in the worst way.
Dread: Ciao.
Smee: Food.
<bzzz! Ow!>
All License & Label Images from Acme.
All bars are from WTV-Zone.
Special thanks to Maryscott O’Connor for all her help and guidance in the art of formatting.
Thanks to Hostess Zingers.
A special thanks also to Brach’s Spice Gumdrops for holding up Zingers during the photo shoot. Couldn’t have done it without you.