From the diaries by susanhbu. Ghostdancers way’s diary is the second in a special BooTrib series of the ten most overlooked stories in the world. Please sign up here to shed light on another ignored story.
I chose this diary for personal reasons. One having grown up in a family permeated with violence not only toward women, but children as well. Second because I chose upon finding recovery to seek help for a problem that I deemed would take me back to using drugs and alcohol, I was an abuser of women. Not something I am proud of and not something I relish in openly discussing on a blog, but there it is. I have been clean and free of drugs, alcohol and violence against anyone for more than 17 years. I spent more than 9 of my 17 years in seeking help and treatment for my violence and uncontrolled rage. I am happy to report that I actually have a life that has been free of violence and my wife and children are the most glorious gift I could have received in this life. More below:
I thank the Great Spirit for all the gifts, joys, happiness and pleasure I have found in this life. I am blessed each day and hope that this small contribution will help someone become free of the horrors of these despicable acts against women.
· The Story
Violence against women and girls is a universal problem of epidemic proportions, but its human cost often remains invisible. At least one out of every three women around the world has been beaten, coerced into sex, or otherwise abused in her lifetime. The abuser is usually someone known to the victim.
The Context
· Violence against women occurs in all regions and countries and much of it is invisible. Police in countries around the world say that many rape victims do not report the crime.
· Often, countries reporting the incidence of violence are the ones doing the most to counter it.
· In the Dominican Republic, reports indicate that in cases of violence against women, the aggressors are partners or former partners of the victims in 40-68 per cent of the cases. In Georgia, it has been reported that 50% of families experience some form of domestic violence. In India, statistics indicate that 14 wives are murdered by their husbands’ family every day.
· According to a 2002 report by the World Health Organization, studies in Australia, Canada, Israel, South Africa and the US have shown that 40-70 per cent of women who have been murdered were killed by their intimate partners, usually in the context of an abusive relationship. The World Health Organization (WHO) reports that in the United Kingdom 40 per cent of female homicide victims are killed by their husbands or boyfriends.
· A study in Sweden found that 70 per cent of women had experienced some form of violence or sexual harassment. Statistics from the Netherlands show that about 200,000 women are subjected to violence each year by their intimate partners.
· It has been reported that 6 in 10 women in Botswana are victims of domestic violence, while in Moldova, 31 % of girls and young women (ages 16-19) are reported to have experienced sexual violence.
http://www.un.org/events/tenstories/story.asp?storyID=1800
Women and Violence
Violence affects the lives of millions of women worldwide, in all socio-economic and educational classes. It cuts across cultural and religious barriers, impeding the right of women to participate fully in society.
Violence against women takes a dismaying variety of forms, from domestic abuse and rape to child marriages and female circumcision. All are violations of the most fundamental human rights.
In a statement to the Fourth World Conference on Women in Beijing in September 1995, the United Nations Secretary-General, Boutros Boutros-Ghali, said that violence against women is a universal problem that must be universally condemned. But he said that the problem continues to grow.
The Secretary-General noted that domestic violence alone is on the increase. Studies in 10 countries, he said, have found that between 17 per cent and 38 per cent of women have suffered physical assaults by a partner.
In the Platform for Action, the core document of the Beijing Conference, Governments declared that “violence against women constitutes a violation of basic human rights and is an obstacle to the achievement of the objectives of equality, development and peace”.The Work of the Special Rapporteur
The issue of the advancement of women’s rights has concerned the United Nations since the Organization’s founding. Yet the alarming global dimensions of female-targeted violence were not explicitly acknowledged by the international community until December 1993, when the United Nations General Assembly adopted the Declaration on the Elimination of Violence against Women.
Until that point, most Governments tended to regard violence against women largely as a private matter between individuals, and not as a pervasive human rights problem requiring State intervention.
In view of the alarming growth in the number of cases of violence against women throughout the world, the Commission on Human Rights adopted resolution 1994/45 of 4 March 1994, in which it decided to appoint the Special Rapporteur on violence against women, including its causes and consequences.
As a result of these steps, the problem of violence against women has been drawing increasing political attention.
The Special Rapporteur has a mandate to collect and analyse comprehensive data and to recommend measures aimed at eliminating violence at the international, national and regional levels. The mandate is threefold:
· To collect information on violence against women and its causes and consequences from sources such as Governments, treaty bodies, specialized agencies and intergovernmental and non-governmental organizations, and to respond effectively to such information;
· To recommend measures and ways and means, at the national, regional and international levels, to eliminate violence against women and its causes, and to remedy its consequences;
· To work closely with other special rapporteurs, special representatives, working groups and independent experts of the Commission on Human Rights.
http://www.un.org/rights/dpi1772e.htm
Stop Violence Against Women
The Power of Change Is in Our Hands
Welcome to the Stop Violence Against Women Campaign. Every day, women and girls around the world are threatened, beaten, raped, mutilated and killed with impunity. It’s time to recognize that violence against women is a global human rights scandal that affects us all. Across the world, Amnesty International members will unite to work towards making women’s human rights a reality.
http://www.amnestyusa.org/stopviolence/index.do
Worldwide scandal
Violence against women is the greatest human rights scandal of our times.
“I really don’t know what it was that evening that made me decide to call the police, but I always say it was the sight of cleaning up my own blood.” Lorraine, a British woman, was regularly beaten by her partner for eight years before telling anybody. “People have asked me why I didn’t just leave, but …. I was very, very frightened of him. So you get to the point where you live with it, it becomes a normal pattern of life, you adapt, you cope, you hide it.” In the UK, emergency services receive an average of one call per minute about violence in the family.From birth to death, in times of peace as well as war, women face discrimination and violence at the hands of the state, the community and the family.
· At least one out of every three women has been beaten, coerced into sex, or abused in her lifetime. This figure comes from a study based on 50 surveys from around the world.
· More than 60 million women are “missing” from the world today as a result of sex-selective abortions and female infanticide.
· Every year, millions of women are raped by partners, relatives, friends and strangers, by employers and colleagues, soldiers and members of armed groups.
· Violence in the family is endemic all over the world; the overwhelming majority of victims are women and girls. In the USA, for example, women account for around 85 per cent of the victims of domestic violence.
· The World Health Organization has reported that up to 70 per cent of female murder victims are killed by their male partners.
· Small arms and light weapons are the main tools of almost every conflict. Women and children account for nearly 80% of the casualties, according to the UN Secretary-General.
Your introduction is courageous and admirable, Ghostdancer’s Way. I congratulate you on breaking the cycle of violence and substance abuse in your own life. The information you present makes me realize that there are many many forms of abuse. I only hope that when I do my diary on human rights groups, I can find some evidence of human compassion, and a glimmer of hope.
Your story is remarkable. Thank you for having the courage to share it.
One good thing that come out of the Laci Peterson broohaha was the publicity of how many pregnant women are subjected to assault or are murdered by their husbands.
I’ve wondered what it is about a pregnant wife that makes a man so angry. Do you have any insights on that?
It’s significant that 60% of the respondents so far have been the victims of abuse. And it’s a sign that abuse knows no economic or educational boundaries.
Actually it should be higher for the percentage of abused women, as I clicked that I know someone, and I also have been a victim both of female abuse and child abuse. Also I know many others who have been a victim of abuse in their lives, not to mention raped as I have known many women who were raped at some time in their lives.
Thanks for doing this diary, ghostdancer and it is indeed courageous of you to admit your past and to have risen above it and now speak out against it.
Violence has no boundaies and if you were raised, as I was, in a mostly verbally abusive but sometimes physically abusive home it can become “normal”. It is what we know. I too am in recovery and I know large amounts of the community of addicts start on that path to escape the pain and the black hole in ones belly and soul.Hurt people tend to hurt people.
Ok this is not easy but needs to be said here.It is not just men that become abusers. Even though this incident was over twenty-seven years ago, I can clearly see it in my mind. In a drunken stupor I chased my then eight year old, defenseless son around our home and just kept hitting him, all the while him pleading with me to stop. It was not the alcohol that made me do that to him, it was the rage I had kept inside, the pain I had kept inside since the abuse of my own chilhood.
The shame and guilt and the feelings of self loathing took years to come to terms with. I made my amends with my son and am blessed today to have a loving, healthy relationship with him. It was not until he said to me one time about ten years ago when I was still trying to heal myself, “Mom, I forgave you a long time ago and now it is time for you to forgive yourself.
I know that violence against women is much more prevelent than any of us can fathom but remember there are men out there being abused too. Al these victims deserve our compassion, even maybe(not all by any means)some of the abusers. They are very sick and the answer is not in killing them or locking them away for life but my feeling is to find them treatment such as Ghostdancer and I were able to find for ourselves.
Don’t turn away and keep silent next time you see your best friend or sister with a black eye. Instead reach out to help in anyway possible. Be there now!
I think verbal abuse is worse, most of the time.
Let me tell ya…I thought my name was stupid idiot or little dummy for my first five years…lol.
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh. I empathize. I got called “lame brain” a lot, and more…. and I thought children were an incredible inconvenience and nuisance and burden.
That kind of c-r-a-p never goes away. And, I found it made it tough for me sometimes as a parent. The words were just ready to spit out of my mouth many times…. just from conditioning. It’s hard enough to parent without having to intellectual de-condition one’s reactions to one’s child.
Due to verbal abuse/name calling by stepmother/stepsisters I realized first hand how incredibly destructive that could be. I have two nephews(now 33 and 25) who I helped raise and I would not allow them to call themselves stupid(nor did I ever use any terms like that regarding them)..I went so far as to take away their desert or tv time if they called themselves stupid… lots of kids just say oh gee I’m stupid..and that is a bad cycle to start with.
Anyway any terms like that were absolutely banned from use by me or them. It is amazing how when you absolutely ban words like dumb/stupid etc in context with yourself or using toward kids how much you notice those words being used by others.
And thank you Ghostdancer for your ability to allow yourself to be transparent and show us who you were then and the wonderful man you are today. What a blessing to have you amongst the family here.
From AI:
Survivors of domestic violence in Spain face considerable obstacles in getting help, protection, and justice, according to a new Amnesty International report released today (12 May). Those who report such crimes are met with indifference or face insensitive interrogations which discourage them from pursuing their case further.
(12th May, 2005)
Thanks GDW for your story and Diary and to all others who posted here.
I never realized it but I was quite lucky to grow up in a fairly nurturing environment and escaped any serious abuse, verbal or otherwise, as a child.
First by working in a hospital and then later in law enforcement, I can tell you the statistics mean nothing, that they are much much higher than any numbers or reports can show.
American society (can’t speak for UK, Spain, etc) is awash with predatory acts against women and children. This is not just a tragedy, its an undeclared war. And just like “conventional” wars, the fall out on the civilians is ghastly and long-lasting.
Pax
You touch my heart and soul most asuredly. There is so much that goes on behind closed doors that is abusive in so many ways. We are beings that seem to have very little understanding of the ways to deal with our own inner and outer pains, and our own personal demons.
Many of us attempt to kill our pains with alcohol, drugs, food, gambling, mean spiritedness, and taking it out on others. Usually the others we take it out on are those nearest us in family or personal relationships.
All of the years I have been dealing with my own abuse as a child, I know it still brings up many things. I am not so personally outraged any more about my own circumstance, but I know what it does to children and what it takes from them that can never be regained, and that. . .That outrages me! The innocence of a child, the trust that a child puts in adults, especially those closest to him/her, or those they are supposed to respect because of their position in a church, a school, or some other organization, what is taken is far more than innocence, it is even far more than trust, it is such a complete betrayal that it is almost impossible to weigh the costs.
It is a very big problem. Way too big a problem, yet I don’t see that we are making a lot of progress either here in our own country or anywhere else in the world.
Thank you for the information and sharing your story. It gives me hope that others can change too. And thanks everyone for your sharing here.
My husband spent 4 months in jail for DUI, although that would not have happened if I hadn’t called 911 for a physical attack (which he got a year suspended sentence???) Driving drunk was considered more serious.. Anyways I am still with him- he is not drinking and therefore not being violent or abusive. The direct connection was the alcohol.
I see drugs and alcohol at the root of most bad behaviors. If I didn’t believe that was the case in this marriage I would be divorced by now.
I also agree that Verbal Abuse was the worse as far as having long term affects..”Sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me..” Remember that little diddy? I wonder where that got its start? It certainly sends the wrong message- Look at all the damage done by bullies. Bush is a bully also.
Maybe prohibition against alcohol and drugs would curb much of the violence in the world- oh and I would add ‘religion’ into the prohibition..
Hey Rosie…good to see you on a thread here my friend. I am sure in your experience but this bares repeating the saying, “Alcohol is but a symptom of the dis-ease”. Hope things are going better for you.
The saving grace for me is that I was able to get help through therapy and thus pass a healthier way of reacting to anger,stress, resentments, baggage to my son. He is a phenominal father and husband but early on suffered from rages which he too has dealt with. Thank God he never became an abuser, verbally or physically but a lawyer instead…lol!
First I’d like to thank everyone, especially ghostdancer, for this diary and thread.
Perhaps, in part, the rage that gets directed outward at children or a “weaker” partner has its roots in the resentment a young child feels when forced to take care of dysfunctional parents. Need and helplessness in a parent is a real threat to a child. But when that child grows up he will respond to the genuine needs of a child or the trust of a spouse as if he were under attack.
A person who grows up in circumstances like that may beleive that they are only “safe” when they have solved the problems of those around them. Being a lawyer makes you a problem solver- and even when you aren’t charging your clients an arm and a leg it is pretty acceptable to be at the least arrogant and controlling towards the client.
It has been estimated that 30 to 50 percent of lawyers have (or have had) a drug or alcohol abuse problem. I hope and pray for you that your son is not part of that number. The law gives you every excuse to avoid yourself and your own feelings but there is a price for that:
These are the words of David K. Demergian, an attorney who was disbarred for what he did (stealing client funds) during his addiction. The quote is from an article by Barbara Mahan which appeared in the July 1992 issue of California Lawyer. If you are interested, Mr. Demergian is still recovering and while he was (as of 1992) still disbarred, he provides an invaluable service to the legal community and society at large as a councelor for other lawyers who find themselves in similar situations.
I chose that quote because I know what it is like to slam the door in my father’s face while he weeps from the sight of his son willfully killing himself.
While many, many lawyers are fine decent people without painful ghosts driving their lives- some of the “best” most driven and kindest attorneys you will ever meet are driven by some pain or emptiness inside of themselves.
If you are a lawyer, or love one, and you see any signs of substance or alcohol abuse- or outwardly directed rage- please confront them. And if they do not immediately seek help report them to their Bar Association. The various state Bars have excellent programs to assist lawyers suffering from addictions and other mental and emotional problems and early intervention will save them from a sickness that will otherwise inevitably lead to disbarrment or worse.
And if fear and rage drove them to be a damn fine lawyer- I can assure you that motivation based in love makes for an even better lawyer. I’ll take your word for it that your son is an example of the latter and not the former. But if anyone who reads this thinks they are in the same situation or knows someone who is, please act. If you feel you can’t for whatever reason- just get in touch with BooMan’s lawyer (his ad is right there on the side of your screen.)
BooMan helped save my life once upon a time and doing the same for someone else is maybe the only real way that I could ever repay him.
Cicero..thank you for your thoughtful post and sharing your own experiences with us. I am so pleased to say that my son is doing what he has a passion for. He was at first a lawyer in a very large corporate firm. He left that firm after a year and opened his own office because he felt that that way of using his degree was not in integrity. He does consumer protection law now and truly loves that he is helping others. He is a very bright young man and has not had alcohol problems and considering he comes from a long line of alkies I consider that a big blessing. He chose to take the experiences of his childhood and grow to be a better person because of them. I also believe had I not gotten help things may have been(most likely been) much different. So the cycle was broken and hopefully each generation in our family will improve and become less dysfunctional. Make any sense?
And bless you for it. I hope I can be as good a parent as you are.
I know you will be a fabulous parent because of your depth of love and compassion. We are all here trying to heal ever since 9/11. A tragedy that brought this country together as one for awhile, A president who used it to divde us.
Thank you all for our kindness. I have worked diligently to make sure that this outrage will not occur in my life again. I have also volunteered in many different organizations to help counter the indifference that has permeated law enforcement, the judiciary and the legislatures. I volunteered in a domestic violence program, to help women become enpowered to escape the violence that was heaped upon them. I also volunteered in that program to be a listener, allowing women to express verbally how and what they felt about being the victim, as many of thier abusers would not or could not allow them to express themselves to them about how the victim felt. I did this not because I was courageous, but because I knew in my heart that it would help me heal and allow another person to experience some cleansing of this blight on our society. I was the recipient of some of the same cleansing, through a program I went through, where I was allowed to express how I felt being the victim and knew it was the right course for me to take. In my recovery I have been blessed with many wonderful and magnificently loving people, who guided me and offered me hope. I like to say today that I am a dopeless hope fiend, not a hopeless dope fiend. I can see, yes I can see the greatness of the human spirit. I can feel the splendor of a life worth living. I can share the love of life that was so freely given to me, by people I hardly knew, yet loved me in spite of myself. I can never repay the great gift I have been given, so I give in every little place I can, showing others that one small pebble rolling down a hill one day can become an avalanche. That gift I was given, it was being able to love myself, so I could love others. I know that I still have many lessons to learn in life, I even may one day stop calling the Reichwingers, Reichwingers and come to accept that they are as they are. NOT today though. Life is to precious and fragile to not address the injustices, the lies and distortions that others would place before us to further their own distorted needs. I will fight the good fight and know when I am called before my Great Spirit that I had strived to achieve all I could in a positive way in this life. Giving Love in the face of Hate, giving solace in the face of retribution, giving Grace in the face of evil. I am blessed each day to walk in the Grace of Great Spirit and thankful for the opportunity to live my life as a Human Being, not a Human Doing. May you all be Blessed by the Great Spirit and find all the joys and happiness you all so richly deserve in this life.
That is the wisest comment I have ever read. You have my deepest admiration.
http://stopviolence.care2.com/ I know I have posted this link before but think it is worth repeating and one I feel very strongly about. This takes about a second to click onto and help this organization which is affiliated to Amnesty International. The best part is that it costs you absolutely nothing.
Simply a click a day helps generate calls/information etc that human rights groups are involved in to help stop violence against women.
Verbal abuse is a terrible legacy that keeps on giving so to speak -followed through usually from one person to another until that cycle can be broken.
Actions many times speak louder than words yet I believe words and our language are who we are and the start of our actions. I don’t know if I’m making myself clear but feel very strongly that words do so effect us and most especially when we are children and teenagers…for good or bad.
All of us can only do so much but the most important first step is to keep reminding ourselves to respect everyone and that starts with children, all children, not only our own or those in our families.
Ghostdancers, a diary no doubt painful for you to put out here for the world to see but one that has touched a chord with everyone posting and I am sure all who are reading your diary.(and not posting) Thanks is a bit inadequate but thank you.
You had a diary a little while ago that has a lot of stuff very relevant to this topic.
I can’t remember the title of it, so I can’t search for it, can you find it and post a link to it in this thread?