Common sense on same-sex marriage

NOW THAT WE have celebrated the paper anniversary of same-sex marriage in Massachusetts, may we pause for a moment to admit that the opponents were right: Same-sex marriage is proof of a crisis in traditional marriage.

But gay marriage is not the cause of the crisis, it’s a consequence. The true culprit is, well, Cupid.

What’s Love Got to Do With It? Precisely. Until roughly two centuries ago, the institution of marriage was considered far too important to leave up to the emotions of two people. Marriage was about economics and politics and, more than anything else, about creating new in-laws.

To see how far we’ve strayed from the rule of in-laws to the rule of love, just compare the 16th-century ”Romeo and Juliet” to the 21st century — forgive me, Will — ”Shrek 2.” In our modern fairy tales, a father is expected to support a love match even if his daughter marries an ogre. Any mother who interferes is a ”Monster-in-Law.”

From the get-go, social conservatives warned of disaster. If love were the only criterion, people who hadn’t fallen in love might remain single, people who had fallen out of love might demand divorce, and even homosexuals could lay a claim to marriage. As Coontz says, they were right. They were just 200 years early.

Heterosexuals said marriage should be about love. Heterosexuals claimed the right to decide whether to have children. Heterosexuals said marriage wasn’t about gender roles but about individualized relationships,” says Coontz. ”Then gays and lesbians said, `Knock, knock. You are talking about me.’ “

As Anne and Chad Gifford, former head of Bank of America, wrote this week in the Globe, their son’s wedding ”brought home the reality that marriage is about two people who love each other and who desire to commit to a life together.”

James Dobson of Focus on the Family has countered by insisting that ”the homosexual agenda is not marriage for gays. It is marriage for no one.” But the nearly 6,200 gay couples who got married in Massachusetts suggest quite the opposite. Marriage, with all its vulnerability, remains the gold standard of relationships.

Conventional wisdom tells us that gay marriage mobilized the religious right and helped turn the 2004 election. But here, as they say, the sky didn’t fall, the Red Sox won the World Series — and public approval rating for same-sex marriage went up from 40 percent to 60 percent.

Over the years, same-sex marriages will be subject to the usual ups and downs, risks and rewards. But now, love has everything to do with it.