Quitting Smoking – day 2

masshol

19 years ago

So I know that there is so much going on in the world right now that affects us all a whole hell of a lot more than my hopefully final attempt at cessation, but I had to share this story somwhere, and to be honest it seems a little easier to share with people who I don’t really know.

Although I have done my best to be as gentle as possible in a story that follows, I do describe a dream I had last night which may offend those of extremely sensitive nature.
So after five years of pack a day smoking (more on the weekends when drinking), I have finally reached the day when I really and truly want to quit. Not the kind of quitting where I feel some sort of guilt or I am quitting because I should, but the kind of quitting one does because one finally really and truly wants to. In my previous incarnations of fake quitting, the attempt has always been done cold turkey, although sometimes supplemented with dipping. For one reason or another, even though my brain tried to say no, I always ended up back at the 711, dropping the fist five of what would become an uncountable amount of MORE dollars wasted.

So this time I decided to admit that I can’t do it straight up all on my own, and I went for the patch. Day one of the patch, yesterday, went by without incident. I had a nice smooth calming behind the scenes buzz all day and only once (as I was pondering bed) did I even think about wanting to smoke a cigarette. I did have to make a couple walks around the block to try and mimic my old smoke break habits, and I certainly chewed my fair share of gum for the oral fixation, but I wasn’t thinking about having a smoke like I usually do. So that was good.

The really interesting part of day one was actually night one. I remembered when i woke up this morning a small warning on the Nicoderm CQ box, something about vivid dreams and only leaving it on for 16 hours if this occured. I awoke with that blurry memory because of two incredibly vivid dreams that I had. One of which would make me consider taking it off to sleep, and the other making me wonder why I didn’t try this glorious dream enhancing transdermal injection before. Let me explain.

I was tired early, and ended up falling asleep around 11. Plenty of time for quite a few REM cycles. Dream one is a bit hazy, and was the bad one. I think it happened between 3:30 and 4:30 sometime, as I sort’ve remember waking up around 4:30 and thinking how I wished I could get out of the dream (which was followed immediately by a hard pass out and an entrance directly back into the dream). Anyhow, here is what I can remember:

On vacation on the beach somewhere with my family. It began at the house on Popponessett, Cape Cod, where we used to vacation when I was a kid. There was a dreadful feeling in everyone’s minds and bodies, and we found out shortly thereafter why that was. Some little evil thing (reminded me somewhat of the infamous Leprechaun from the self-titled horror movies of the 80s) showed up with his incredible physical and mental powers of torture. I remember only a few things from there. The first was that he drove our family car into the ocean. Also, anytime he was within a few feet of you, he had a strange awful magnetism that would pull at you from your insides and make every inch of your body burm with unthinkable pain. I really wish there were more than that, and as the day goes on, more may come to me. But I can be assured that it most definitely lasted way too long and didn’t end well for anyone.

Onto dream 2. In retrospect, this was actually two completely seperate dreams, but both with the same overall theme. That theme is something that has (partially thankfully and partially unfortunately) evaded me for about the past 8 months. That theme needn’t be discussed, as it will become immediately apparent.

So the first part of the dream began with a visit to the apartment of this girl who I had recently met. It wasn’t anyone in particular from my life, just some very attractive 20 something who invited me over. So we are in her bedroom, and she rips all of my clothes off, then all of hers, then sits on the bed, pulls me up to her (I’m still standing) and you can figure out from there. This goes on for a while, then she lays me on the bed and it continues. She then climbs on top of me and over a period of what seemed like 30 minutes (gotta love dreaming), we went through various positions, all seemingly amazing. Then in walks my ex-girlfriend, Christine, a miserable psychotic life-sucking drain of a person, who happens to be the roomate of my newfound lover. She very calmly and uncharacteristically asks her roomate to dismount me, which she does. Christine then apologizes (again, very uncharacteristc) and leads me into their bathroom, where she goes down on me (an unnecessary detail, but this was also not like her ;-).

Cut to next part of dream

I hop in a car in my neighborhood back in my hometown and start driving like an absolute madman around and around our neighborhood, which I am clearly screamed at for. I end up driving to this house where I am babysitting (I know, who the fuck babysits?) the younger siblings of a friend of mine. I can’t remember which friend, but I think that was definitely part of the dream. Anyhow, their mother gets home unexpectedly early and is exhausted and wants to get out of her dinner clothes (husband was nowhere to be found). So she slips off her skirt as she walks in the door, and hugs her two little kids. I, being the king of couth that I am, point out to her in front of her children that she has a remarkably attractive figure, and that she should show me more of it. So she takes off her top and takes me into the next room, where she proceeds to go down on and then mount me.

Cut to the neighbors house, where almost the exact same thing happens, except it is out in the back yard this time. And this one wasn’t quite as attractive, but I was apparently on a roll, so why stop? This one ends when we notice someone walking through the woods towards the house, and we run inside and try to put our clothes on. We weren’t quick enough, and in walks this woman’s husband, who seemingly unfazed, says thanks, have a good one, and lets me out the back door to walk home (must’ve lost the car somewhere?).

As I am walking through the woods, I come upon two little 10 year old who start shooting nerf balls at me with these little plastic guns. I start throwing them back at them, at first softly, and then harder when I tell them to stop and they wont (yes I will not be having children). As I continue to walk on, who do I come across, but their mother. And yes, you guessed it, she is also attractive, which I point out, with once again the same outcome.

And my alarm goes off.

Now what is most remarkable about these dreams is not the fact that they happened to be explicit, it was the sheer lucidity, which I know I cannot express as it was completely in my brain, but trust me, I have NEVER had dreams like that before.

If you have gotten down this far, thanks for sharing my story with me. I won’t post any more of these here, as there is plenty else going on, but I do plan on keeping up a day-by-day account of the next 6 weeks on my blog: http://masshol.blogspot.com

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