Walter and the Dude walk to the Dude’s car. The ‘Pomeranian’ trots happily behind Walter who totes the empty carrier.
DUDE
You can’t do that man. These guys, you
know, they’re like me, they’re pacificists.
Smokey was a conscientious objector.
WALTER
You know Dude, I myself dabbled with
pacifism at one point. Not in Nam,
of course–
DUDE
And you know he’s got emotional
problems man!
WALTER
You mean–beyond pacifism?
DUDE
He’s fragile, very fragile!
As the two men get into the car:
WALTER
Huh. I did not know that. Well,
it’s all water under the bridge. And we
do enter the next round-robin, am I
wrong?
DUDE
No, you’re not wrong–
WALTER
Am I wrong!
DUDE
You’re not wrong, Walter, you’re
just an asshole.
WALTER
Okay then. We play Quintana and
O’Brien next week. They should be
pushovers.
They watch a squad car take a squealing turn into the lot.
DUDE
Man, willya just, just take it easy, man.
WALTER
You know, that’s your answer for everything,
Dude. And let me point out something–pacifism
is not–look at our current situation
with that camelfucker in Iraq–
pacifism is not something to hide
behind.
DUDE
Just take it easy, man.
WALTER
I’m perfectly calm, Dude.
DUDE
Yeah? Wavin’ the fuckin’ gun around?!
WALTER
(smugly)
Calmer than you are.
This irritates the Dude further.
DUDE
Will you just take it easy?
Walter is still smug.
WALTER
Calmer than you are.
We pan off the Dude, driving, to his point of view through the front windshield. The headlights play over Walter standing waiting in front of the storefront of SOBCHAK SECURITY. He is wearing combat fatigues,and holds a battered
brown briefcase. He also holds an irregular shape bundled in a news paper wrapping.
The car stops in front of him
DUDE
Where the fuck are you going, man?
WALTER
Take the ringer. I’ll drive.
He opens the Dude’s door and hands in the briefcase
The Dude takes the briefcase and slides over.
DUDE
The what?
WALTER
The ringer! The ringer, Dude!
The car drives off.
The Dude opens the briefcase and paws bemusedly through it.
DUDE
What the…
WALTER
Have they called yet?
DUDE
What the hell is this?
WALTER
My dirty undies dude. Laundry,
The whites.
DUDE
Walter, I’m sure there’s a reason
you brought your dirty undies man.
He closes the briefcase.
WALTER
Thaaaat’s right, Dude. The weight.
The ringer can’t look empty.
DUDE
Walter–what the fuck are you
thinking man?
WALTER
Well you’re right, Dude, I got to
thinking. I got to thinking why
should we settle for a measly fucking
twenty grand–
DUDE
We? What the fuck we? You said you
just wanted to come along–
WALTER
My point, Dude, is why should we
settle for twenty grand when we can
keep the entire million. Am I wrong?
DUDE
Yes you’re wrong. This isn’t a
fucking game man.
WALTER
Oh, but it is a game. You said so
yourself. She kidnapped herself.
DUDE
I said I thought–
The phone chirps. Dude grabs it.
DUDE
Dude here.
VOICE
(German accent)
Who is this?
DUDE
Dude the Bagman. Where do you want
us to go?
VOICE
Us?
DUDE
Shit. . . yeah, you know, uh, me
and the driver. I’m not uh,
handling the money and driving the
car and talking on the phone all
by my fucking–
VOICE
Shut the fuck up.
Walter looks over at the Dude and bellows:
WALTER
Dude, are you fucking this up?
VOICE
Who is that?
DUDE
That is the driver, I told you–
Click. Dial tone.
DUDE
Oh shit.
WALTER
What the fuck’s going on?
DUDE
Walter!
WALTER
What the fuck is going on?
DUDE
He hung up, man! You fucked it
up! You fucked it up! Her life was
in our hands man!
WALTER
Easy, Dude.
DUDE
We’re screwed now! We don’t get
shit, they’re gonna kill her!
We’re fucked, Walter!
WALTER
Nothing is fucked Dude. Come on.
You’re being very unDude. They’ll
call back. Look, she kidnapped her–
The phone chirps.
WALTER
Ya see? Nothing’s fucked here,
Dude. Nothing is fucked. They’re
a bunch of fucking amateurs–
DUDE
But Walter, Walter will you just shut the fuck up!
Don’t say peep when I’m doing business here man.
WALTER
(patronizing)
Okay Dude. Have it your way.
The Dude unclips the phone from the battery pack.
WALTER
But they’re amateurs.
The Dude glares at Walter. Into the phone:
DUDE
Dude.
VOICE
Okay, vee proceed. But only if there
is no funny stuff.
DUDE
Yeah, yeah.
VOICE
So no funny stuff. Okay?
DUDE
Just tell me where the fuck you
want us to go.
A HIGHWAY SIGN: SIMI VALLEY ROAD NEXT LEFT.
It flashes by in the headlights of the roaring car.
DUDE
That was the sign man.
Walter wrestles the car onto the two-lane road.
WALTER
So, all we gotta do is get her back,
no one’s in a position to complain,
and we keep the baksheesh.
DUDE
Yeah, terrific, Walter. But you haven’t
told me how we’re gonna get her back. Where
is she?
WALTER
That’s the simple part, Dude.
We make the handoff, I grab one of ’em
and beat it out of him.
He looks at the Dude.
WALTER
…Huh?
DUDE
Yeah. That’s a great plan, Walter.
That’s fucking ingenious, if I
understand it correctly. That’s a
Swiss fucking watch.
WALTER
Thaaat’s right, Dude. The beauty of
this is its simplicity. Once a plan
gets too complex, everything can
go wrong. If there’s one thing I
learned in Nam–
The phone chirps.
DUDE
Dude.
VOICE
You are coming to a vooden bridge.
When you cross the bridge you srow ze bag
from ze left vindow of ze moving
kar. You’re being vatched.
Click. Dial tone.
DUDE
FUCK.
WALTER
What’d he say? Where’s the hand-
off?
DUDE
There is no fucking hand-off man.
At a wooden bridge we throw the money
out of the car!
WALTER
Huh?
DUDE
We throw the money out of the moving
car!
Walter stares dumbly for a beat.
WALTER
No, we can’t do that, Dude. That fucks
up our plan.
DUDE
Well call them up and explain it to
’em, Walter! Your plan is so fucking
simple, I’m sure they’ll fucking
understand it! That’s the beauty of it!
WALTER
Wooden bridge, huh?
DUDE
I’m throwing the money, Walter!
We’re not fucking around man!
WALTER
Ok, dude the bridge is coming up! Gimme the
ringer, Chop-chop!
DUDE
Fuck that! Walter I love you, but
sooner or later you’re gonna have to
face the fact that you’re a goddamn
moron.
WALTER
Okay, Dude. No time to argue.
DUDE
Hey man! hey–
WALTER
Here’s the bridge–
DUDE
Walter! hey–hey walter hey–
There is the bump and new steady of the car on the bridge.
The Dude is holding the money briefcase from
the back seat. Walter reaches one arm across Dude’s body to
grab the laundry.
WALTER
There goes the ringer.
He flings it out the window.
DUDE
What the fuck!
WALTER
OK Dude, your wheel!
DUDE
Walter Hey, Hey what the fuck?
WALTER
At fifteen em-pee-aitch
I roll out! I double back, grab one
of ’em and beat it out of him! The
uzi!
DUDE
Uzi?
Walter grabs across the seat at the paper-wrapped bundle.
WALTER
You didn’t think I was rolling out
of here naked did ya!
DUDE
Walter, Walter what the–
Walter has flung open his door and is leaning halfway out
over the road.
WALTER
Fifteen! Dude This is it! Let’s
take that hill!
DUDE
Walter hey Walter–
Walter rolls out with his parcel, giving a loud grunt as he
hits the pavement. The car swerves and lurches and the Dude,
cursing, takes the wheel.
OUTSIDE
Walter tumbles onto the shoulder and–RAT-TAT-TAT-TAT!–muzzle
flashes tear open the wrapping paper.
INSIDE THE CAR
The car rocks and the Dude wrestles with the wheel.
OUTSIDE
The car clunks and screams around in a skid.
INSIDE
The Dude is thrown forward as the car hits something.
OUTSIDE
As the Dude struggles up holding the satchel of money.
There is a distant engine roar. A motorcycle bumps up onto
the road from the ravine under the bridge and, tires
squealing, skids around to speed away in the opposite
direction. It is closely followed by two more roaring
motorcycles.
DUDE
Ah, ahhhh,
The front of his car is crumpled into a pole. The car body saps
back to the left, where the rear wheel has been shot out.
WALTER is just rising from the ground massaging an
injured knee.
The Dude runs up the road toward the bridge,
frantically waving the satchel in the air.
DUDE
WE HAVE IT! WE HAVE IT!! WE HAVE IT!… WE…have it.
The Dude and Walter stand in the middle of the road, watching
the three red tail lights fishtail away.
AFTER A LONG STARING SILENCE:
WALTER
Ahh fuck it dude, let’s go bowling.