I’m doing a series of radio interviews across country — publicity for my new book Squeaky Clean Comedy, 1,512 Dirt-Free Jokes from the Best Comedians — but today I couldn’t resist providing counterpoint to the sick comedy of the show that was to follow me: Bill O’Reilly.
Hey, I figured Joplin could use the balanced viewpoint, and the DJ should have been warned when we were setting up the interview yesterday. “You mean O’Leilly comes after me?” I asked, from liberal Los Angeles.
He laughed, that great, fake announcer’s chortle, and I thought, “Don’t get me started, buddy.”
So for my half-hour on air, announcer guy would quote from the corny stuff of Henny Youngman and Rodney Dangerfield he preferred, and I’d hit back with:
“You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: It wasn’t that long ago that we were swept away by the Macrarena.” — John Stewart
I’d prepared myself beforehand by digging through a file of political jokes NOT EVEN IN THIS BOOK, but would DJ guy know that? Nope!
(Here’s a hint: when you’re live, on air, on radio — the host can’t do much about whatever you say, especially if you sucker punch ’em.)
And it was rope-a-dope time, baby:
Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan. — A. Whitney Brown
We already know the winners of the next elections. They’ll be old white men who don’t care about you or your problems. — Craig Kilborn
I could hear the DJ’s discomfort, but managed to squeeze in still more lefty propaganda in answer to his most innocuous questions.
Who did I think were the best comedians? “Millions seem to agree with me on Jon Stewart, who helms the third highest-rated cable news show, even if it’s as he says, ‘Fake news.’ But then again, Fox is fake news, too.”
Isn’t it true that comedians found it difficult to joke about 9-11? Well sure, 3,000 deaths are hardly a laughing matter (dumbass), but comedians know that eventually, we all need to laugh to lift our sorrow.
“And here’s what I think is a great 9-11 joke:”
An investigation has been launched over pre-war Iraq: we’re going to find out why they had our oil under their sand. — Craig Kilborn
Did I have any good, clean jokes to round off the half-hour. Yes, Missouri, I do:
It takes a lot of money to run for President. Almost three bucks a gallon. — Jason Love
Remember that kid in high school who always had a bandage on his face, always started fights for no good reason, but had a rich dad who made sure he never got in trouble? Now he’s our President. – Troy Conrad
Ba-dum-ump.
If you want more, Boomaners, send best wishes that I sell my next book to a publisher: The Blue State Joke Book: In which liberals, the left wing and democrats get the last laugh, for a damn change
Laugh so hard you’ll turn your red state blue!
You’ve been a great crowd, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you, and good night.