Wherein I Challenge Ann Coulter to Debate Me

UPDATE:

Let’s Do It For the Troops!

Any and all funds raised by our debate will immediately be donated to DISABLED VETERANS! Whaddya say, Annie baby?

That’s right, Ms. Coulter. I hereby issue you a challenge: Meet me in St. Louis, or wherever you please – and let’s have ourselves an honest-to-goodness debate.

Now, I realise that the concepts of both “honesty” and “goodness” are foreign to you, but you can do the research, right? — you’re a big girl.

 (Metaphorically and chronologically, of course —  god forbid you take that phrase literally and make the panicky teenaged decision to eschew even the meagre sustenance you’ve allowed yourself thus far. By the by, Ann – may I call you Ann? – where on earth did you get the idea that heroin chic was still fashionable? My god, woman, that is SO 1993).

Where was I? Oh, yes – a debate. ‘Twixt you and me, Annie baby. We can find ourselves a suitably impartial moderator – say, anyone who hasn’t ever seen you or read you. I wouldn’t want the inevitable revulsion of any sentient being to your previous work to create a bias in my favour.

Now, you may be saying to yourself (no doubt with your trademark sneer pasted on your Botoxed visage – how DO you do that, by the way? Do you get the injections WHILE sneering, in order to preserve that look?), “Why the heck should I debate this nonentity? What do I have to gain?”

Weight, for one thing – but never mind that now.

If I were you, Annie darling, I’d be asking the same question. Let’s start with the purely superficial advantages to your accepting this challenge:

• I’m a good 40 pounds heavier than you – you get to look even THINNER!
(Be still my heart! – I’d wish you the same, but I’m pretty sure yours has been still for at least a decade.)

• It’s one more chance for you to demonstrate your superior debating skills while looking as fabulous as you can. Perhaps it might even be televised, thus assuring you another chunk of film for your archives.

• If you DO manage to talk someone into televising it, you can get your roots touched up and call it tax deductible.

• Free publicity – now what media whore (and I use the term with every ounce of disrespect I can muster) could resist that?

I have absolutely no doubt you will reject this challenge, should it cross your unprincipled path. Cowardice and self-interest demand you never set foot near a podium facing anyone who has even the slightest chance of upstaging your shallow, venal vernacular. Your rabid right wing talking points wouldn’t do you a bit of good, Annie dearest, in the face of actual facts delivered by someone who actually outmatches you in obnoxiousness AND wit (granted, the latter is an unfair comparison, since you seem to have plagiarised most of what you try to pass off as wit, anyway).

And trust me – I have it on excellent authority that I not only outweigh you physically, but intellectually, as well.  (That authority being, oh, everyone I’ve ever met.)

Nevertheless, I am compelled to issue this challenge to you, Annie, sweetheart; too often lately, I have accidentally been exposed to your risible claims as to the inferiority – nay, TREASON – of the average liberal, and it will not stand.

Accustomed as you are to the cushion of your Fox News berth; to the faux-gallantry of your fellow traveler in fascism, Sean Hannity; to the woefully inadequate foils offered in sacrifice to you like so much rotting meat to a vulture… it is high time someone who is your intellectual, moral and physical superior threw down the gauntlet and dared you to pick it up.

I dare you, Annie, dollface, sweetums, puddin’ – I double dog dare you. Debate me. All I need is a couple days’ notice to raise sufficient funds for travel and accommodations wherever you decide to meet me.

(Okay, it will take less than an hour to raise the funds — but I need the rest of the time to arrange babysitting and get MY roots touched up.)

Let’s see if my hunch about you is right; let’s see if you really are the craven coward your curriculum vitae evinces you to be…