[From the diaries by susanhu. Steven D is da bomb.]
Drumroll, please . . .
Number 10: Iraq Had Better Targets.
Let’s face it. Afghanistan was too backwards. Too many mountains. Even our Daisy cutter bombs couldn’t kill Osama protected by them. Iraq, on the other hand had Palaces! You know how much fun it is to blow up a palace? I get goosebumps just thinking about it. All we had as targets in Afghanistan were tents. Tents are a waste of good cruise missiles, frankly.
Number 9 through 1 after the fold . . .
Number 9: Saddam Was a Better Villian than Osama
You might think this is a trivial excuse for pre-emptively invading a country, but let’s face facts. Specifically facts about faces. Osama’s beard was just to scraggly looking. Couple that with his kidney disease, and his generally gaunt appearance, and the man just didn’t look menacing enough to be Enemy No. 1 of the United States of America. And his wardrobe? Always with the flowery flowing “robe” type stuff (you must admit it looks like he’s wearing a dress half the time) and that silly headgear. He could talk all he wants about America being the Great Satan, but he never did look the part of a proper villian.
Saddam, on the other hand was a magnificent looking despot. Great Boltonish mustache, and his always wearing military apparel increased the macho factor. That and his fondness for pictures showing himself shooting rifles into the air made for great phot ops. Frankly, he looked the part. And the man had an Army! Yes, sort of a lousy Army, but still, he had real tanks that provided great target practice for our boys. All in all, he just fit the role of global terrorist menace better than Osama.
His name even sounds fierce, doesn’t it? “Saddam Hussein” has such a nice sinister ring to it. “Osama Bin Laden” sounds like the name of some character in a bad Saturday Night Live Sketch.
Number 8: The Saudi’s wanted to Increase the Rents for our Military Bases.
Landlord/Tenant disputes are never any fun, no matter which side of the equation you fall on. Imagine Dubya and Bandar Bush and all those awkward silences whenever the subject would come up over dinner at the White House. Luckily, Iraq had some prime real estate right next door which we were able to pick up for a song. Okay, the renovations and upkeep may be a little costly, but you want the best for our troops don’t you?
Number 7: Promotion of Iraq’s Olympic Soccer Team
You know it was a real crime how poorly managed and operated Iraq’s national soccer team was under the leadership of Saddam’s son, Uday. Dubya, a man with experience in turning around sports teams using government funding obviously knew a great opportunity when he saw one. And, hey, they almost won a medal in 2004! So what if they were a little ungrateful for all we did for them. We know in their hearts they’re truly thankful.
Number 6: The Iraqi Beautification Project
Now, admittedly we’re still in the early stages of Iraq’s makeover and perhaps things could have gone a little smoother, but I’m sure the end product will make us all proud of the work we’ve done there. For now, we can be certainly satisfied that that all the unsightly statues have been removed thanks to our troops valiant efforts.
Number 5: Charity Work
People in the US just aren’t being told of all the generous charitable work that has been done in Iraq by our Government. Why just the other day I learned that we have literally disbursed billions of dollars in cash to worthy causes in Iraq, without any strings attached apparently. Why the American media isn’t covering this feel good story about what Operation Iraqi Freedom has accomplished is beyond me
Number 4: We Needed Better Training Facilities for the War on Terror
The truth is, it’s hard work simulating fighting Jihadi terrorists in the United States. And if we want to win this global war on terror, we need real life training exercises to prepare our boys (and gals) for the long struggle ahead against the enemies of freedom. Iraq was frankly the perfect place to get that sort of hands on experience under live fire conditions. With all that we’re learning about terrorist tactics there, and the superior training experience that only being “in country” can provide our brave and courageous soldiers, I have no doubt we’ll do even better in the battles to come.
Number 3: It’s good for Our Economy
9/11 really gave a kick in the shorts to our stock market. We could stand there and take it, or we could do what Americans have always done: find a way to spend billions of dollars on National Defense. And what better way to do that than go to war and exhaust our stocks of existing weapons and other military resources? Congress was naturally forced to provide more money to support the troops, by buying new weapons and providing other goods and services needed by our Armed Forces, money which naturally went to good ol’ American Corporations like Halliburton. Their profits naturally get passed on to their shareholders who then trickle down those profits on ordinary Americans like you and me. I can almost feel the golden shower of our economy working, can’t you?
Number 2: Bringing Freedom to the Iraqis
Well, freedom for Iraqi Imams anyway. Iraqi women? They’re used to waiting. I’m sure in a hundred years or so, their great grandaughters will get to experience equality and liberty once again. If their men let them that is.
and The Number 1 Noble Cause: George’s Father Knows Best
No, not that father. Our Father who art in Heaven. He appointed Georgie to go to Iraq, and I for one don’t want to mess with any divine plan, no matter how crazy it might look to us mere mortals.
