What to Write About?

Martin Longman

19 years ago

I’ve got an unusual problem today. I have too many things I want to write about and I can’t decide what to do. What do I want to write about, you ask? Well, I want to talk about why Rumsfeld has muzzled the witnesses that were prepared to testify about Able Danger yesterday. I want to respond to Kid Oakland and Meteor Blades’s criticism of Armando and me over Max Baucus. I want to talk about Hurricane Rita and Jeb Bush’s invocation of his warrior spirit guide. I’d like to get to the bottom of the British prison break in Basra. I’d like to talk about the protests this weekend in Washington (which I will be attending).

Is this an omen?

At just past noon on Wednesday, anti-war activist Cindy Sheehan and the rest of the Bring Them Home Now tour were stopped by a pair of squad cars two blocks from the US Capitol by members of the Capitol police force. Officers explained that they wanted to use bomb-sniffing dogs to inspect the caravan of three RVs and several cars.

Yeah? Bring it on!

I feel like writing about personal stuff. I feel like writing a fantasy piece where I get to take over CNN and direct all the programming decisions. I picture matching up Ductape Fatwa on a Crossfire-type show. We take a jackass like Clifford May and a clown like Paul Begala, and then we put Ductape in the middle. It would be total mayhem.

The morning show would be called Froggy Bottom Cafe. It would be hosted by a different person every day, and it would be dedicated to the better things in life: travel, food, cocktails, photography, sex… whatever.

Maybe we could have the Sue and Boo televised radio program. We’d put Don Imus out of business.

Lou Dobbs? Gone. Replaced by Jerome a Paris and Bondad. Instead of harping on illegal immigration they would harp on alternative energy.

Anderson Cooper? Gone. Replaced by our best looking member (yet to be determined) who will make fun of the vanity of musicians, athletes, politicians, and movie/television stars. Bood Abides will provide the graphic parodies.

Larry King? Gone. Replaced by Charlie Rose, (ratings be damned). I will instruct Charlie to attempt to boost his ratings by insisting that he physically remove any guest who lies, and to ban them for life. This should effectively remove all Republican guests from his rolodex in fairly short order.

Aaron Brown? Gone. Replaced by an unknown philosopher that concludes every program by saying:

We’re all faced throughout our lives with agonizing decisions, moral choices. Some are on a grand scale, most of these choices are on lesser points. But we define ourselves by the choices we have made. We are, in fact, the sum total of our choices. Events unfold so unpredictably, so unfairly. Human happiness does not seem to have been included in the design of creation. It is only we, with our capacity to love, that give meaning to the indifferent universe. And yet, most human beings seem to have the ability to keep trying and even to find joy from simple things, like their family, their work, and from the hope that future generations might understand more. link

Is that asking too much? Can America handle it? And can they do without their daily dose of Paula Zahn? I hope so, because I plan on replacing her too.

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