Just as a warning to anybody out there who’s here because you’re bound and determined to believe everything you see posted and get upset when everybody isn’t serious enough… well… have a good evening, and move along… nothing to see here!
This being said, I apologize for the absence of Today’s Topical Limericks for the last few days… they’ll be back… probably starting tomorrow… My shall remain nameless internet provider hosed me for about three days last week…
I have a new gig for satire at Unconfirmed Sources and I guess it’s going OK, but hard to tell without feedback… Submitted for your approval… or firewood… a bunch of pics and the latest tales from “The Oiligarchy”…
Dubbers seems back in the groove,
Dodging the masses reprove.
Brings those that are near,
To bunkers of fear,
Terror makes ratings improve!
09/20/05 Levee Riots Break Out in New Orleans
New Orleans, LA (UPSI) – Louisiana National Guard troops had to be summoned to break up a near riot and looting incident along one of the city’s many levees being rapidly repaired in preparation for the possibility of a hit from Category 4 hurricane Rita making its way through the Gulf of Mexico. Fighting broke out amongst the workers who were busy shifting and arranging the giant bags that were earlier in the week dropped from government helicopters.
Soldier standing guard over recovered bills.
Apparently one of the bags ruptured and it was discovered that the contents was several hundred thousand dollars in $100 bills. A fight broke out amongst the workers, and they also began digging and tearing away at the reinforced levee. The National Guard stepped in and quickly broke up the disturbance, but it is not known just how much damage was done or how much money escaped.
A spokesman for the Louisiana National Guard stated, “We will have to take some of the blame for this mishap. Our unit had been shifted back emergently from Iraq just after Katrina. In the confusion, we just got some of our bags mixed up.”
White House spokesperson Scott McClellan stated,”The President’s recovery plan for the Gulf Coast continues. This administration continues to show what can be accomplished with careful planning, fiscal responsibility, and not resorting to “throwing money” at a problem as has been done in the past.”
09/22/05 Cheney Forced to Leave New Orleans Recovery Efforts
Metarie, LA (Rotters) – Vice President Dick Cheney made a surprise visit to New Orleans today, a day after the levee riots which occupied workers and National Guard. He inspected the damage to the levee and took into formal custody the money exposed. He went on to inspect the efforts to recover dead bodies in the area.
Problems arose as the Vice President seemed to become a severe hindrance to the performance of the cadaver dogs working the area. Dogs from miles around seemed to inexplicably home into this particular location.
“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said Juan Delamuerta, a cadaver dog handler of five years experience. “Normally, it’s pretty easy to refocus the dogs, and get them back on the trail. These dogs have a highly trained sense of smell, that isn’t easily fooled.”
The Vice President eventually had to be escorted via Hummer from the area, after dozens of hounds and their handlers began converging. This was a rare appearance for the normally reclusive Vice President, who has refused to respond to questions over his health status recently, only announcing that he will undergo elective surgery this weekend for an aneurism in his knee. The Vice President has reputedly recovered from at least four heart attacks to date.
White House spokesperson Trent Duffy stated that the administration was concerned over the legalities of Mr. Cheney’s taking the recovered money into custody. “We had Alberto look into it,” he stated,”and apparently, it’s all legal. He can indeed take it with him.”
09/23/05 Nation Goes on High Alert Condition
Colorado Springs, CO (Claw News Services – Jim Gammon reporting) – In a rare move of efficiency, yesterday, President Bush elevated the country’s alert status to DubCon 4. The administration cancelled the President’s planned visit to Texas yesterday to survey and supervise FEMA’s preparations for Hurricane Rita, and instead headed for the NorthComm mountain bunker system in Colorado. There they are to monitor progress of the hurricane as well as unfolding events with anti-war protests in Washington, DC. The DOD will be simultaneously conducting exercises with new non-lethal technologies involving crowd control which have been reputed to be successful in Iraq.
Donald Rumsfeld explained, “This system involves a combination of low frequency sound and microwaves. The target first begins to feel a pain and pressure behind the eyes, as if they are being pushed inwards. If the target does not then quit the area of conflict, this progresses to severe, incapacitating headache with nausea and vomiting. It’s damn impressive Buck Rogers stuff! We press a button here, the target, or targets there look for all the world like they’ve developed food poisoning or sun-stroke.”
The remainder of the exercise, dubbed “Operation Strangerove” involves mobilizing and relocating the administration in case of a catastrophic attack, nuclear, biologic, or otherwise. Spokesperson Scott McClellan stated,” We admittedly were kind of caught with our pants down with hurricane Katrina. We felt it was time to take out some of those old scenario playbooks and dust off the cobwebs. Some of the directives haven’t been reviewed since the Reagan cold war era. Everyone has been really co-operative, I must say, despite trying to figure out the reasoning behind some of the directives.”
Mr. McClellan continued, “Kudos especially, to Brooke Shields. She has been a real trooper! We’ve all been trying to figure out the importance of having her transported to the bunker, but, no clue. We showed up at her residence, and although she was a little puzzled at first, she’s cooperated and played right along.”
Operation Strangerove is scheduled to continue throughout the weekend, along with oversight and management of the impending Hurricane Rita disaster. Mr. McClellan stated that the President may make a brief exit late Sunday to survey possible damage to his own residence in Crawford, Texas. “The bottom line,” Mr. McClellan stated, “is that America sees her President in command and working hard to see that resources are not wasted in crisis.”
As a side note, the name for “Operation Strangerove” appears to have been inspired by the 1964 Stanley Kubrick film, “Dr. Strangelove”. The film was a landmark in Kubrick’s career, largely making fun of the fears of nuclear war at the time. Some say that this societal fear has been resurrected for “The War on Terror”, but the Bush administration has hotly refuted any parallels along these lines, as well as those to the Vietnam war.
The late George C. Scott from a scene in Dr Strangelove
The late Slim Pickens in a classic role
Dr. Strangelove as portrayed by the late Peter Sellers
09/25/05 Rumsfeld Unveils the “P-Pod”
Washington, DC (Rotters) – The Bush Administration, responding to suggestions that the standing military ought to be more involved in planning and disaster response in the wake of hurricanes Katrina and Rita has given Donald Rumsfeld additional duties as a liaison with FEMA and the Department of Homeland Security. Rumsfeld immediately unveiled the new FEMA temporary housing units which will be put into use by the hundreds of thousands for the victims of the recent disasters in America.
“This is a concept which we have obviously been working on for some time”, stated Mr. Rumsfeld. “We know form our studies and experiences at NASA, and Pentagon studies in Guantanamo Bay and other places, that the amount of space needed by the typical person is vastly over rated. Also, when there are problems, there are very effective medications available.”
The “P-Pod” or “People Pod”, the new housing unit unveiled today by FEMA
“The results of all this hard work are what you see here, the most efficient, cost effective temporary housing that the American tax dollars can buy. This IS the equipment you want to go to a disaster with.”
“Each unit is self contained, and features passive heating, shower, waste disposal, cooking, entertainment, all rolled into one efficient unit. Will people be upset about the space? Sure. Will they want out and into nicer accommodations? Absolutely. But this is good for America… more incentive to work harder towards that goal…better for the economy.”
“We calculate that the shelters themselves may very well also have an impact upon unwanted births, particularly when one realizes the statistical likelihood of increased birthrate in the wake of war or disaster. Birth control that doesn’t involve messy contraception or taking the life of an unborn child.”
“These units will go a long way towards preserving intact families, as now children who previously never even had their own room or privacy at home, will. Units have the capacity of being attached together in a modular fashion to accommodate even the largest extended families, and possibly even entire communities.”
“Also, for those who are unable to master the sometimes difficult task of vertical somnolence, FEMA will be rolling out the horizontal models within the next few weeks. There have been a few supply-sided issues as well as some technical difficulties which we are working on. Anyone who needs the horizontal model will receive a voucher. We anticipate that once the body count from both hurricanes is known, and the situation in Iraq stabilizes after the upcoming constitutional vote, there will no longer be a shortage of the horizontal models.”