In this issue (Cross posted at UNCONFIRMED SOURCES):
“Absentee Ballots Give Bush Overwhelming Iraqi Constitutional Victory”
and
“Orange a Smash Hit with Fashions this Fall”
(after the fold…)
10/15/05 Absentee Ballots Give Bush Overwhelming Iraqi Constitutional Victory
Baghdad, Iraq (Claw News Service) – After failing to clinch a deal with Vladimir Putin in Russia over Iran nuclear talks, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice salvaged the trip for the Bush Administration as she hand delivered millions of absentee ballots to polling centers in Iraq. The ballots had been gathered from all over the US and the world in the weeks leading up to the referendum vote today. Preliminary poling data show that this was enough for a landslide victory in Iraq.
Spokesperson Scott McClellan explained, “We were fortunate that we already had a lot of infrastructure in place from this past year’s election. We concentrated on identifying Iraqi expatriates living here in the United States, and primarily the elderly who were missed in previous ballots. It was truly heartwarming to find and identify these people. Many really wanted to help, but were far enough along in the aging process, that they had almost no knowledge of ever even having lived in Iraq. An overwhelming majority had become so acculturated to American life that they were now practicing Christians and had to be assisted with reading and speaking Farsi.”
McClellan continued, “The President is confident of victory, thanks to the selfless sacrifice of these new American citizens. President Bush spent a large part of today touring Senior Centers nationwide and personally thanking folks for all their hard work.”
The ballots delivered by Ms Rice were off-loaded from Air Force One and distributed under armed guard to various precincts throughout Baghdad for the most expedient and efficient processing. Announcements about the official outcome were expected by morning, but are largely viewed as a formality by the Bush Administration at this point.
Mr. McClellan concluded, “Tomorrow will certainly be a great and historic day for both of our countries. We are pleased that the Iraqi people have chosen an American style of Democracy.”
10/16/05 Orange a Smash Hit with Fashions this Fall
Paris, France (Rotters) – European and American fashion designers this fall are embracing the color orange. Fresh on the heels of a successful movement in the Ukraine presidential election to the popular Orange Revolt in Israel’s Gaza strip, to the “Frog March” craze in the United States, designers, it seems, are listening to the public. No less than twelve of Europe’s most famous designers unveiled orange lines and accessories in the Fall fashion show in Paris.
Meanwhile, in the United States, a small new fashion design company based out of New York City, known simply as “46664” is taking the the country by storm, one mall at a time. 46664 has earned millions in its first year by concentrating on one particular color, which it calls “Correctional Orange”.
Chief designer for 46664, Patty Fitzgerald stated, “Orange is versatile… it represents so many things. A brisk fall afternoon, a cold glass of juice, danger, risk, change, standing out in a crowd, incarceration, and ultimately redemption. A person in orange says, “You can’t make me!”…”
What began as joke T-shirts is now branching out into other fashions in America. 46664 recently put on a celebrity fashion show in Washington, DC to rave reviews. The show was put on as a benefit for the victims of Hurricane Katrina, and featured noted controversial politicians and journalists. Striding down the walkway for the cause were Bush Administration officials, Condoleezza Rice, I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby, Karen Hughes, Karl Rove, and New York Times journalist Judith Miller. all are noted for their possible involvement in the Valerie Plame incident currently under investigation.
“One of the goals of 46664 is to desensitize the public to incarceration and imprisonment… to show that people can, and do, get on with their lives.” continued Fitzgerald. “The Martha Stewart story is truly inspirational to us all. Why must people also be punished with the clothes they’re forced to wear behind bars… a sense of style is good for morale and helps the time move faster. With more of our population migrating behind bars, America, is fast approaching a time when key leaders and thinkers may have to continue their positions behind bars, and they’ll have to look professional… “Frog March”, what a demoralizing and dehumanizing term…”
46664 is currently in secret negotiations with a number of women’s correctional facilities throughout the country to revamp prison issue clothing, and if studies prove successful, they will begin work on men’s clothing.
