Welcome to Crawford, Texas. You are standing on the front porch of the George W Bush Presidential Library and Saloon®. This building is the ranch house the Bushes used as the Texas Whitehouse. The president, of course, doesn’t live here, and Mrs Bush has moved to a much nicer home located in a much more pleasant place, all at the taxpayers’ expense. If you made it this far, then you’ve been over to Mr Rove’s Downtown Café, where you bought the bus tickets, the tour tickets, your admission tickets, the virtual pickup truck ride tickets, the IMAX movie tickets, and, knowing ole Karl, he probably took you for a coupla dollars on souvenirs and maybe a few more in his Authentic Texas Crooked Card Game.
Now many of you are probably here to see the gun. I won’t be telling you anything you don’t know if I say that President Bush had it liberated from one of Sadam’s palaces and it became The Most Important Gun In American History®. Its near the end of the tour, but I guarantee it’ll be worth the wait. And for just an extra ten american dollars, you can get right up close.
Lets walk right this way on into the main entryway. This is how visitors would enter the ranch house. If you were a visiting head of state, or a Senator the President didn’t like but was trying to impress, then you would be greeted by Mr and Mrs Bush here. If you were in his inner circle you would probably come into the house through the garage, either driving up in an armored limousine, or with Mr Bush in his special bullet-proof Ford F250. If you had been Secretary of State in the Bush Administration, you probably used the kitchen door, `round the back.
The members of the press were corralled over there. From that location they could fawn and dote, all while enabling Mr Bush in his vision quest for the restoration of the World Order demanded by God. Note the saliva sluices built into the floor.
Here we are in the library. If President Bush had read books, he liked to imagine he would enjoy history books, historical novelizations, and Zane Grey Westerns. As you can see this room is well stocked with those types of books. And over here we have a collection of historical religious books, including true, or Christian, bibles from the actual Crusades, as well as sacred texts from other less godly religions, including the Quran Mr Bush used to win a bet he made with Donald Rumsfeld about whether a Quran could actually be flushed down a toilet.
Now lets walk over to the situation room. This was the most important room in the whole ranch complex. It was here, and only here, that the president was allowed to talk about sensitive matters of state. It was in this room that the President might have discussed stealing the election, ignoring warnings about planes being used to attack skyscrapers, the torture at the hands of US military personnel, the use of Chemical Weapons by the United States Armed Forces, the destruction of the environment, the wanton disregard for civil rights domestically and human rights globally, the policies that literally robbed the poor to give to the rich, or the horrendous results his presidency had on the children of this nation.
Since Mr Bush might have to go into the situation room on a moments notice, you’ll see one of its entrances is right from the President’s private bathroom. If you’d like to hear the tinkle of your piss on Presidential Porcelain, you can have three minutes of private time in here for just twenty five extra american dollars. No number twos.