This just in: The Cogitator has learned from multiple sources that President George W. Bush was caught last week in flagrante delicto with that Eternally Lusty Siren of Sin, known simply as The Truth.
None of the sources would go on the record describing the actual carnal acts committed but did say they involved multiple twists and turns, various dipsy-doodles, and a series of jaw-dropping embellishments.
“Casanova ain’t got nothing on our President,” said one envious admirer. “He worked The Truth every which way but loose.”
“Curveball, screwball, highball, in-out, high-low, comin’ in through the backdoor, Bush’s repertoire is simply immense,” said another acolyte, who added, “He literally makes all in his orbit just swoon…or else.”
Another, estrus visibly evident and looking vaguely akin to Harriet Miers, chimed in: “Plus, he’s got just the right amount of bad boy nastiness that makes him sooooooo attractive.”
At a subsequent presidential news conference, The Cogitator attempted to get to the bottom of all this and directly asked about this scandalous rendezvous with factualism. President Bush immediately launched into a Texas two step move, followed by a boot-scottin’ boogie, then a Texas tango and finally said: “look here feller, ya dance with them that brung ya.”
The Cogitator then politely asked, “Is that an affirmative Mr. President?”
Bush replied: “Sez who? You musta been talkin’ to them terr’rists, those who wanna massacre our people, peel the skin off our children, boil our babies and carve the fetuses right out of the stomachs of our sacred life-carrying mothers, right?”
The Cogitator gamely replied: “But Mr. President, the Congressional Research Service (CRS), a branch of your government, and mine, just issued a 14-page report that contradicted your long-standing assertion that members of Congress had the same access to national intelligence that you did.”
Bush, silent for a moment, finally firmly and with manhood most evident said: “Ya know, we’ve been checkin’ out that CRS group and the British government sez it’s a slam dunk that there’s documentation of some of them buyin’ aluminum tubes full of yellow cake in deepest, darkest Africa. In fact, one of them CRSers, why he has the first name of Saddam and was seen talkin’ to that Osama guy from Illinois. Makes ya wonder, don’t it? I say there’s a connection.”
Then President Bush departed the podium, daggers shooting from his eyes and was caught apparently describing The Cogitator on an open mike to a member of his Secret Service: “That guy is in the Hall of Fame of major league assbites. He’s guilty of somethin’, I can feel it in my gut. Look in his eyes. Send him off on a waterboardin’ …ahem…vacation and then on to, to, you know…Guantanamara. NOW. I’ve always said that justice delayed is justice denied and …well…hey…wait just a minute…justice delayed has a nice sound to it. Call Alberto VO5 and have him dispose of that Alito dude, I’m gonna nominate Tom DeLay as the next associate justice;”
But at least President Bush avoided deepening his pool of callousness, something he accomplished last week when he cracked a joke after recounting that 30,000 Iraqi civilians had died since the U.S. invasion.
Still, raping the truth time after time is bad enough.